#8 Mountain Lions (Cougar, Puma, Panther)

And the lion shall lie down with the lamb…
- Biblical misquote

She and He
Cougars don’t play well with others, their solitary existence breached solely for sex. Not mating for life, they prefer short trysts, the “cougar” moniker appropriately given to older women who prey on younger men. Male cougars usually have three to five females within their home ranges (territory) and play rough, sometimes killing undefended kittens and even adult females. It’s unclear why this species doesn’t win the Darwin Award for its self-destructive gene pool.

ID and Habitat
This unspotted, tawny cat is a stealthy nocturnal killer and exploits its camouflage during dawn and dusk, times when people hike and bike. Adult males can reach 8 feet and weigh up to 200 pounds; females can reach 7 feet and weigh up to 120 pounds. Powerful hindquarters and long rear legs enable them to leap 23 feet. Males’ home ranges sometime exceed 100 square miles. They develop and run a relatively fixed “hunting trail,” relying on their excellent memory of each kill. Young males are most likely to encounter humans as they travel long distances to establish territory.

Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not lion prey. Our own predator morphology, e.g., forwarded-facing eyes (known as “binocular vision”), easily distinguishes us from prey morphology (eyes facing sideways). Human effluvium also smells predatory; it wafts of malodorous meat. Cougars, like most predators, instinctively fear other predators. And what are humans if not tall, large, bi-ped mammalian predators?

Lions and people now coexist. Civilization and range destruction force lion “habituation” with its deadly interloper, a relatively new invasive species, Homo sapien. Habituated lions, like domestic dogs, lose instinctual fears making them dangerous, especially to low-to-the-ground prey-sized children, pets, crouching adults and dwarfs.

Hot Tip
Hike or bike with others; avoid dawn and dusk. If you find stashed-away dead prey, leave the area; its owner is likely to return. If confronted, stay calm (as if this is possible). Don’t turn and run; hold your ground. Aggressively stare down “punk-cat” with your binocular vision Betty Davis eyes, look big, make noise, throw things (but don’t bend over or crouch down to pick up anything). Get mean. Get jiggy on its hindquarters:

Yo, yo, punk-cat brat
Where you at, u mo fo scat…
[pause]
You lookn’ at me, suckah?

Slowly drift back, especially if punk-cat doesn’t have a means of egress; lions will neither walk backwards nor turn their backs on fellow predators, like you. Cougar are often encountered while tracking prey. Hold still as deer, cougar’s pixel vision magnifies movement, but blurs details; better deer make the fatal first move than you.

RX
If cougar wants you dead, you won’t require first aid. Otherwise, stop hemorrhaging and call 911 or radio an SOS on your walkie-talkie.
* * *
Death Meter: 5 out of 10. They rarely confront people; follow the rules, don’t become a statistical anomaly.