Will you walk into my parlor? said the Spider to the Fly
She and He
She bites, he doesn’t. Her lustrous ebony dwarfs his matted dun. In life, his time is short, but in death his life gains notoriety; the overly sensationalized victim of post-coital cannibalization (“eat me,” he gently cooed). He quests for the jewel, but her reclusive setting conceals its obsidian solitaire. Chance upon this boudoir, transmogrify into baby formula. But he accepts the risk; he has no choice, what are the odds of finding another long shot, another procreative “Jeanie” in a bottle?
ID and Habitat
The roughly one inch long femme fatale sports a shapely hourglass figure (a reddish-orange “hourglass” decorates her bulbous ventral abdomen). Black widows are nocturnal, spinning webs in weatherproof, secluded places: behind radiators, in corners of attics and garages, in basements and crawl spaces, and in Aunt Trudy’s hair.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not spider food except in monster and horror movies. See fly-sized Vincent Price in 1958’s creep out, The Fly. Famous last words: Help me, help meeeeee! Further proof: the arachnologically correct children’s nursery rhyme…
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly…
OK, so the old lady dies, but not from the spider; it took a horse, of course. Despite the black widow’s incredibly virulent neurotoxin venom (15 times more powerful than a rattlesnake’s), she flees humans and bites only for food, self defense, and in defense of her young, whom she may later eat.
Hot Tip
Just leave them alone so you can die of something else.
RX
Black widows may leave a “bull’s eye” around their bites. Sanitize and ice the area as you would any garden-variety cut, bite, abrasion, or alien probe. Toxins are similar to strong medications; both create serious unintended consequences.
TV ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
Side effects may include serious systemic
reactions such as severe muscle cramping
in the abdomen, back, chest and thighs,
nausea, vomiting, and headache.
And remember, “Envenomate” (that’s both
venom and anti-venom) is not for
everyone so ask your physician if
Envenomate is right for you.
Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms, fantasies of bulbous abdomens, erections lasting over 12 hours, or spiderlings exiting your urethra.
* * *
Death Meter: 3 out of 10. (They rarely bite people; very few envenomation deaths are reported).
Saturday, December 20, 2008
#9 Scorpions
“It’s in my nature” said the stinging scorpion piggybacked on a swimming frog.
Love Potion #9
Unlike black-widows, scorpion males live la dolce vita “envenom-mating” females during courtship, injecting love potion. Their scary pincer-shaped claws deposit spermatophores; her epidural anesthesia a pleasant aphrodisia. (She’s unaware of the assault with a deadly weapon). Liquor and drugs, are we any better?
One of the oldest known terrestrial arthropods (class arachnida) these ambush predators are near carbon copies of their Paleozoic ancestors, testament to 430 million years of date rape.
ID and Habitat
Scorpions look like, well… scorpions. In daytime, they hide under rocks, inside crevices, and under sand. Active at night, their UV fluorescence is visible with your Jimmy Hendrix poster black-light.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Scorpions envenomate prey by stinging. Here’s Roald Dahl’s Stingaling, that most ugly and repulsive thing.
The moment that his tail goes swish
he has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.
Scorpions actually sting hands and feet unless you suffer “WRS” (wandering rump syndrome). Somnambulists should wear shoes to bed, and the congenitally curious should avoid poking around blind spaces. Of the approximately 2000 species, only a small handful is considered dangerous to people, mostly in North Africa and Australia. Stings from most species are similar to bee stings; they hurt, but you’ll live.
Hot Tip
Check your shoes and avoid walking barefoot outdoors at night.
RX
Calm the victim who should remain immobilized, wound below heart level. Sanitize and immediately ice the area to reduce swelling and slow venom absorption. Symptoms include pupil dilation, eye shaking or wobbling, hyper-salivation, difficulty swallowing and restlessness. Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms.
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. Fatal bites are rare in the United States, but small children are especially at risk.
Love Potion #9
Unlike black-widows, scorpion males live la dolce vita “envenom-mating” females during courtship, injecting love potion. Their scary pincer-shaped claws deposit spermatophores; her epidural anesthesia a pleasant aphrodisia. (She’s unaware of the assault with a deadly weapon). Liquor and drugs, are we any better?
One of the oldest known terrestrial arthropods (class arachnida) these ambush predators are near carbon copies of their Paleozoic ancestors, testament to 430 million years of date rape.
ID and Habitat
Scorpions look like, well… scorpions. In daytime, they hide under rocks, inside crevices, and under sand. Active at night, their UV fluorescence is visible with your Jimmy Hendrix poster black-light.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Scorpions envenomate prey by stinging. Here’s Roald Dahl’s Stingaling, that most ugly and repulsive thing.
The moment that his tail goes swish
he has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.
Scorpions actually sting hands and feet unless you suffer “WRS” (wandering rump syndrome). Somnambulists should wear shoes to bed, and the congenitally curious should avoid poking around blind spaces. Of the approximately 2000 species, only a small handful is considered dangerous to people, mostly in North Africa and Australia. Stings from most species are similar to bee stings; they hurt, but you’ll live.
Hot Tip
Check your shoes and avoid walking barefoot outdoors at night.
RX
Calm the victim who should remain immobilized, wound below heart level. Sanitize and immediately ice the area to reduce swelling and slow venom absorption. Symptoms include pupil dilation, eye shaking or wobbling, hyper-salivation, difficulty swallowing and restlessness. Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms.
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. Fatal bites are rare in the United States, but small children are especially at risk.
#8 Mountain Lions (Cougar, Puma, Panther)
And the lion shall lie down with the lamb…
- Biblical misquote
She and He
Cougars don’t play well with others, their solitary existence breached solely for sex. Not mating for life, they prefer short trysts, the “cougar” moniker appropriately given to older women who prey on younger men. Male cougars usually have three to five females within their home ranges (territory) and play rough, sometimes killing undefended kittens and even adult females. It’s unclear why this species doesn’t win the Darwin Award for its self-destructive gene pool.
ID and Habitat
This unspotted, tawny cat is a stealthy nocturnal killer and exploits its camouflage during dawn and dusk, times when people hike and bike. Adult males can reach 8 feet and weigh up to 200 pounds; females can reach 7 feet and weigh up to 120 pounds. Powerful hindquarters and long rear legs enable them to leap 23 feet. Males’ home ranges sometime exceed 100 square miles. They develop and run a relatively fixed “hunting trail,” relying on their excellent memory of each kill. Young males are most likely to encounter humans as they travel long distances to establish territory.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not lion prey. Our own predator morphology, e.g., forwarded-facing eyes (known as “binocular vision”), easily distinguishes us from prey morphology (eyes facing sideways). Human effluvium also smells predatory; it wafts of malodorous meat. Cougars, like most predators, instinctively fear other predators. And what are humans if not tall, large, bi-ped mammalian predators?
Lions and people now coexist. Civilization and range destruction force lion “habituation” with its deadly interloper, a relatively new invasive species, Homo sapien. Habituated lions, like domestic dogs, lose instinctual fears making them dangerous, especially to low-to-the-ground prey-sized children, pets, crouching adults and dwarfs.
Hot Tip
Hike or bike with others; avoid dawn and dusk. If you find stashed-away dead prey, leave the area; its owner is likely to return. If confronted, stay calm (as if this is possible). Don’t turn and run; hold your ground. Aggressively stare down “punk-cat” with your binocular vision Betty Davis eyes, look big, make noise, throw things (but don’t bend over or crouch down to pick up anything). Get mean. Get jiggy on its hindquarters:
Yo, yo, punk-cat brat
Where you at, u mo fo scat…
[pause]
You lookn’ at me, suckah?
Slowly drift back, especially if punk-cat doesn’t have a means of egress; lions will neither walk backwards nor turn their backs on fellow predators, like you. Cougar are often encountered while tracking prey. Hold still as deer, cougar’s pixel vision magnifies movement, but blurs details; better deer make the fatal first move than you.
RX
If cougar wants you dead, you won’t require first aid. Otherwise, stop hemorrhaging and call 911 or radio an SOS on your walkie-talkie.
* * *
Death Meter: 5 out of 10. They rarely confront people; follow the rules, don’t become a statistical anomaly.
- Biblical misquote
She and He
Cougars don’t play well with others, their solitary existence breached solely for sex. Not mating for life, they prefer short trysts, the “cougar” moniker appropriately given to older women who prey on younger men. Male cougars usually have three to five females within their home ranges (territory) and play rough, sometimes killing undefended kittens and even adult females. It’s unclear why this species doesn’t win the Darwin Award for its self-destructive gene pool.
ID and Habitat
This unspotted, tawny cat is a stealthy nocturnal killer and exploits its camouflage during dawn and dusk, times when people hike and bike. Adult males can reach 8 feet and weigh up to 200 pounds; females can reach 7 feet and weigh up to 120 pounds. Powerful hindquarters and long rear legs enable them to leap 23 feet. Males’ home ranges sometime exceed 100 square miles. They develop and run a relatively fixed “hunting trail,” relying on their excellent memory of each kill. Young males are most likely to encounter humans as they travel long distances to establish territory.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not lion prey. Our own predator morphology, e.g., forwarded-facing eyes (known as “binocular vision”), easily distinguishes us from prey morphology (eyes facing sideways). Human effluvium also smells predatory; it wafts of malodorous meat. Cougars, like most predators, instinctively fear other predators. And what are humans if not tall, large, bi-ped mammalian predators?
Lions and people now coexist. Civilization and range destruction force lion “habituation” with its deadly interloper, a relatively new invasive species, Homo sapien. Habituated lions, like domestic dogs, lose instinctual fears making them dangerous, especially to low-to-the-ground prey-sized children, pets, crouching adults and dwarfs.
Hot Tip
Hike or bike with others; avoid dawn and dusk. If you find stashed-away dead prey, leave the area; its owner is likely to return. If confronted, stay calm (as if this is possible). Don’t turn and run; hold your ground. Aggressively stare down “punk-cat” with your binocular vision Betty Davis eyes, look big, make noise, throw things (but don’t bend over or crouch down to pick up anything). Get mean. Get jiggy on its hindquarters:
Yo, yo, punk-cat brat
Where you at, u mo fo scat…
[pause]
You lookn’ at me, suckah?
Slowly drift back, especially if punk-cat doesn’t have a means of egress; lions will neither walk backwards nor turn their backs on fellow predators, like you. Cougar are often encountered while tracking prey. Hold still as deer, cougar’s pixel vision magnifies movement, but blurs details; better deer make the fatal first move than you.
RX
If cougar wants you dead, you won’t require first aid. Otherwise, stop hemorrhaging and call 911 or radio an SOS on your walkie-talkie.
* * *
Death Meter: 5 out of 10. They rarely confront people; follow the rules, don’t become a statistical anomaly.
#7 Coyote
Looney Tunes for $1000, the answer is: “Ethelbert”
What is Wile E. Coyote’s middle name?
She and He
Known as jackals outside the New World and the Trickster in Native American folklore, Coyotes practice “facultative” monogamy (males contribute, but are not essential for pup survival) and mate for life. However, alpha males maintain multiple partners and in the Eastern United States (you can guess the states) they conduct inter-species affairs siring hybrid “coydogs.” Fifi and the Varmit Have Pups, Face Ballot Initiative to Restore Traditional Marriage.
Alpha males dominate larger packs and are often responsible for 90% of mating; beta males may sneak sex, but their hoi-polloi progeny is doomed. Females are “monoestrous” (annual cycle) with estrus lasting only 10+/- days; males limit spermatogenesis to this cycle followed by energy-saving testicular regression. Ouch!
ID and Habitat
The cayote[sic]is a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is always poor, out of luck and friendless. The meanest creatures despise him and even the flea would desert him for a velocipede.
- Mark Twain, Roughing It
Typically 20-30 pounds, coyotes are grayish-brown with fluffy, black-tipped tails. Think medium-sized dog. Found throughout the continental United States, they are supposed to be nocturnal, but daytime sightings are common. Their excellent hearing, sophisticated communication, hunting skills and galvanized steel stomachs (scarfing down everything from rotten vegetables to road kill) make coyotes supremely adaptable to humanity. Nocturnal dumpster diving for an all-American dietary cornucopia — pizza, chips, French fries, white bread, fried foods, doughnuts, and cooking grease — this clandestine canine dodges syndrome X, coronary heart disease, hormonal cancers, hypertension, vascular disease, diabetes, and other patriotic ailments.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Coyotes eat small mammals; unless you’re a rodent, fear not. But encroachment, habituation and “making nice” to wildlife contribute to increasingly common attacks. Small to medium sized dogs and cats, infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers are potential prey. Violent encounters with adults are extremely rare, but a brief scan of California newspapers reveals numerous attacks on pets and young children. Reality meter: domestic dog encounters and feral dog packs are underreported and far more dangerous.
Hot Tip
Don’t feed, water or befriend wildlife. Keep them afraid, very afraid; fear is good. Protect pets and children. Use the same precautions and aggressive responses as you would with cougars, “cougars” and your mother-in-law.
RX
Same as cougar, but survival rates are much higher and rabies is more likely.
* * *
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. They rarely confront adults; pets and young children are at risk.
What is Wile E. Coyote’s middle name?
She and He
Known as jackals outside the New World and the Trickster in Native American folklore, Coyotes practice “facultative” monogamy (males contribute, but are not essential for pup survival) and mate for life. However, alpha males maintain multiple partners and in the Eastern United States (you can guess the states) they conduct inter-species affairs siring hybrid “coydogs.” Fifi and the Varmit Have Pups, Face Ballot Initiative to Restore Traditional Marriage.
Alpha males dominate larger packs and are often responsible for 90% of mating; beta males may sneak sex, but their hoi-polloi progeny is doomed. Females are “monoestrous” (annual cycle) with estrus lasting only 10+/- days; males limit spermatogenesis to this cycle followed by energy-saving testicular regression. Ouch!
ID and Habitat
The cayote[sic]is a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is always poor, out of luck and friendless. The meanest creatures despise him and even the flea would desert him for a velocipede.
- Mark Twain, Roughing It
Typically 20-30 pounds, coyotes are grayish-brown with fluffy, black-tipped tails. Think medium-sized dog. Found throughout the continental United States, they are supposed to be nocturnal, but daytime sightings are common. Their excellent hearing, sophisticated communication, hunting skills and galvanized steel stomachs (scarfing down everything from rotten vegetables to road kill) make coyotes supremely adaptable to humanity. Nocturnal dumpster diving for an all-American dietary cornucopia — pizza, chips, French fries, white bread, fried foods, doughnuts, and cooking grease — this clandestine canine dodges syndrome X, coronary heart disease, hormonal cancers, hypertension, vascular disease, diabetes, and other patriotic ailments.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Coyotes eat small mammals; unless you’re a rodent, fear not. But encroachment, habituation and “making nice” to wildlife contribute to increasingly common attacks. Small to medium sized dogs and cats, infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers are potential prey. Violent encounters with adults are extremely rare, but a brief scan of California newspapers reveals numerous attacks on pets and young children. Reality meter: domestic dog encounters and feral dog packs are underreported and far more dangerous.
Hot Tip
Don’t feed, water or befriend wildlife. Keep them afraid, very afraid; fear is good. Protect pets and children. Use the same precautions and aggressive responses as you would with cougars, “cougars” and your mother-in-law.
RX
Same as cougar, but survival rates are much higher and rabies is more likely.
* * *
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. They rarely confront adults; pets and young children are at risk.
#6 Tarantulas
Lo, this is the tarantula's den!... Vengeance will we use, and insult, against all who are not like us--thus do the tarantula-hearts pledge themselves.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra
She and He
Distinguishing the sexes requires an arachnologist with magnifier, although mature adults exhibit sexual “dimorphism” (morphological differences). Females are often bulkier, especially their abdomens. Each autumn, males disperse, making booty calls on burrow-dwelling females. Romeo vibrates his body and taps his legs. If she’s receptive, he gains entrée; if not, he becomes the entré.
An eight-eyed myopic, he’s undaunted by her hairy legs, unshaved beauty in the eye(s) of the beholder. After leggy-spaghetti foreplay (there’s 16 legs between them), his tibial spurs (mating “hooks”) grab her fangs lifting her body—pas de deux—exposing the epigastric furrow, on-ramp to the genital highway. As with black widows, lucky post-coital males bid a hasty retreat, hasta la vista, baby! See YouTube for bodacious arachni-porn.
ID and Habitat
Largest of all spiders, this brownish, hairy, gentle giant reaches five inches long by two inches tall. Its burrow is “J” shaped with a quarter-sized round entrance. An ambush predator, it lays in wait listening for vibrations; a bunker-launched blitzkrieg dispatches unwary prey. Serpent-like fold-out fangs envenomate and liquefy animal innards followed by the pièce de résistance, a straw-shaped mouth Hoovers the goo. Some species have thousands of nasty, barbed, slightly venomous “urticating,” abdominal hairs; used defensively, Tarantulas kick (they have eight legs) them into the face of attackers.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Tarantula, tarantula,
Scuttling out of sight,
Whose bed will your darkness
Glide beneath tonight?
-Richard Edwards—Stowaway
Apparently 007’s. James Bond, horrified to discover Dr. No’s tarantula climbing up his “water spout,” kills the spider, then suffers post-trauma barf. When Bond, James Bond freaks out over a fairly harmless spider, well no wonder tarantula is #6 in our countdown. Tarantulas (except arboreal species) stay grounded, unlikely to climb into beds. Only a non-arachnologist (like Dr. No) would attempt using tarantula as murder weapons.
Tarantulas are unlikely to hurt you, but bites are never pleasant and the barbed hairs often cause serious allergic reactions.
Hot Tip
Hissing tarantulas are pissed off, poised to strike. Don’t piss off wildlife and don’t stick your fingers into quarter-sized holes, or any other cracks, crevices or potential burrowing places like your ear.
RX
Use standard first aid; hydrocortisone for superficial allergic reactions, 911 for serious reactions, such as respiratory distress.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. They are generally harmless to humans.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra
She and He
Distinguishing the sexes requires an arachnologist with magnifier, although mature adults exhibit sexual “dimorphism” (morphological differences). Females are often bulkier, especially their abdomens. Each autumn, males disperse, making booty calls on burrow-dwelling females. Romeo vibrates his body and taps his legs. If she’s receptive, he gains entrée; if not, he becomes the entré.
An eight-eyed myopic, he’s undaunted by her hairy legs, unshaved beauty in the eye(s) of the beholder. After leggy-spaghetti foreplay (there’s 16 legs between them), his tibial spurs (mating “hooks”) grab her fangs lifting her body—pas de deux—exposing the epigastric furrow, on-ramp to the genital highway. As with black widows, lucky post-coital males bid a hasty retreat, hasta la vista, baby! See YouTube for bodacious arachni-porn.
ID and Habitat
Largest of all spiders, this brownish, hairy, gentle giant reaches five inches long by two inches tall. Its burrow is “J” shaped with a quarter-sized round entrance. An ambush predator, it lays in wait listening for vibrations; a bunker-launched blitzkrieg dispatches unwary prey. Serpent-like fold-out fangs envenomate and liquefy animal innards followed by the pièce de résistance, a straw-shaped mouth Hoovers the goo. Some species have thousands of nasty, barbed, slightly venomous “urticating,” abdominal hairs; used defensively, Tarantulas kick (they have eight legs) them into the face of attackers.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Tarantula, tarantula,
Scuttling out of sight,
Whose bed will your darkness
Glide beneath tonight?
-Richard Edwards—Stowaway
Apparently 007’s. James Bond, horrified to discover Dr. No’s tarantula climbing up his “water spout,” kills the spider, then suffers post-trauma barf. When Bond, James Bond freaks out over a fairly harmless spider, well no wonder tarantula is #6 in our countdown. Tarantulas (except arboreal species) stay grounded, unlikely to climb into beds. Only a non-arachnologist (like Dr. No) would attempt using tarantula as murder weapons.
Tarantulas are unlikely to hurt you, but bites are never pleasant and the barbed hairs often cause serious allergic reactions.
Hot Tip
Hissing tarantulas are pissed off, poised to strike. Don’t piss off wildlife and don’t stick your fingers into quarter-sized holes, or any other cracks, crevices or potential burrowing places like your ear.
RX
Use standard first aid; hydrocortisone for superficial allergic reactions, 911 for serious reactions, such as respiratory distress.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. They are generally harmless to humans.
#5 Wood Rats (Packrats, Trade Rats), Mice
You dirty, double-crossing rat.
- James Cagney, Public Enemy
She and He
The female and male appear similar, but Frank Sinatra’s allegorical Rat Pack nomenclature gives clue; male Packrats are well endowed, especially their massive testes. While failing to achieve the “penis to body mass” ratio of the record-holding Western harvest mouse, these randy rodents exploit their “largess.” When not obsessively hoarding food, they are compulsively copulating, with up to 120 sexual acts per hour (mounts and ejaculations). Roger and Jessica Rabbit, eat your hearts out and Guinness Book of World Records, take note.
Females stay busy between copulatory sessions, birthing up to five annual litters, each with as many as five young; the consummate breeding and mothering machine. Babies clamp down their teeth on mother’s nipples for their fist 12 days. Good news for mom… babies wean quickly and are sexually active in 60 days! Bad news… mom sometimes dies after weaning a very full litter of four or five.
ID and Habitat
The desert wood rat is grayish and reaches only 13 inches, including the tail. It eats prickly pear cactus and is prey for coyote, fox, snakes, Gila monsters and owls. Non-native to North America, wood rats migrated here from China and Ethiopia. Like most desert mammals, including illegal aliens, they are nocturnal.
Packrats build rough-hewn homes called “middens,” some older than Stonehenge. Using construction technology unknown to Druids, such as cementing earth with urine, dry-climate middens have been carbon dated to 40,000 years. Often constructed in rock crevices, middens can reach four feet across providing residents with summer cooling and winter heating. Cholla cactus palisades deter both predatory home-invaders and thieves who covet packrats’ treasure trove of stolen goods; rings, trinkets and other objects purloined from unsuspecting Homo sapiens.
Packrats, like cactus wrens who also use cholla for protection, may occupy several homes simultaneously, but far fewer than John McCain. Paleo—just-about-everyone: climatologists, ecologists, botanists, ethno-botanists, “McCainanites” and even anthropologists study middens; like accreted alluvium, they freeze-frame natural history and anthropological time.
Dangers Real and Imagined
The deadly Hanta Virus, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS) is spread to humans through contact with rodents, their urine, and droppings. Of the 30 cases diagnosed annually, the fatality rate is 40%.
Hot Tip
Don’t be messing with animal waste matter or breathing poop dust. Also, never capture wild rodents as pets.
RX
If you find rodent droppings in your home, don’t touch. Call a professional. For DIY hazmat removal, follow some of these suggestions. Don your hazmat suit including rubber gloves, boots, goggles and HEPA breathing respirator. Don’t vacuum or sweep (dust spreads Hantavirus), but instead douse with bleach or a strong disinfectant. Mop or towel up, placing the towel inside a zip lock or trash bag, seal tightly. Disinfectant your hazmat suit before removing it. Mr. Clean “lysols” Pine-Sol poop, then self.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. (But inhale or ingest contaminated droppings, then it’s 4 out of 10).
- James Cagney, Public Enemy
She and He
The female and male appear similar, but Frank Sinatra’s allegorical Rat Pack nomenclature gives clue; male Packrats are well endowed, especially their massive testes. While failing to achieve the “penis to body mass” ratio of the record-holding Western harvest mouse, these randy rodents exploit their “largess.” When not obsessively hoarding food, they are compulsively copulating, with up to 120 sexual acts per hour (mounts and ejaculations). Roger and Jessica Rabbit, eat your hearts out and Guinness Book of World Records, take note.
Females stay busy between copulatory sessions, birthing up to five annual litters, each with as many as five young; the consummate breeding and mothering machine. Babies clamp down their teeth on mother’s nipples for their fist 12 days. Good news for mom… babies wean quickly and are sexually active in 60 days! Bad news… mom sometimes dies after weaning a very full litter of four or five.
ID and Habitat
The desert wood rat is grayish and reaches only 13 inches, including the tail. It eats prickly pear cactus and is prey for coyote, fox, snakes, Gila monsters and owls. Non-native to North America, wood rats migrated here from China and Ethiopia. Like most desert mammals, including illegal aliens, they are nocturnal.
Packrats build rough-hewn homes called “middens,” some older than Stonehenge. Using construction technology unknown to Druids, such as cementing earth with urine, dry-climate middens have been carbon dated to 40,000 years. Often constructed in rock crevices, middens can reach four feet across providing residents with summer cooling and winter heating. Cholla cactus palisades deter both predatory home-invaders and thieves who covet packrats’ treasure trove of stolen goods; rings, trinkets and other objects purloined from unsuspecting Homo sapiens.
Packrats, like cactus wrens who also use cholla for protection, may occupy several homes simultaneously, but far fewer than John McCain. Paleo—just-about-everyone: climatologists, ecologists, botanists, ethno-botanists, “McCainanites” and even anthropologists study middens; like accreted alluvium, they freeze-frame natural history and anthropological time.
Dangers Real and Imagined
The deadly Hanta Virus, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS) is spread to humans through contact with rodents, their urine, and droppings. Of the 30 cases diagnosed annually, the fatality rate is 40%.
Hot Tip
Don’t be messing with animal waste matter or breathing poop dust. Also, never capture wild rodents as pets.
RX
If you find rodent droppings in your home, don’t touch. Call a professional. For DIY hazmat removal, follow some of these suggestions. Don your hazmat suit including rubber gloves, boots, goggles and HEPA breathing respirator. Don’t vacuum or sweep (dust spreads Hantavirus), but instead douse with bleach or a strong disinfectant. Mop or towel up, placing the towel inside a zip lock or trash bag, seal tightly. Disinfectant your hazmat suit before removing it. Mr. Clean “lysols” Pine-Sol poop, then self.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. (But inhale or ingest contaminated droppings, then it’s 4 out of 10).
#4 Gila Monsters
Have you heard the reports of a giant lizard?
- Sheriff Jeff, The Giant Gila Monster (1958)
She and He
Vive le difference! But what difference? It takes an ultrasound examination to sex individuals, but note behavioral clues; males awake from hibernation to wrestle other males for mating privileges. After a Greco-Roman lizardo a lizardo takedown, vanquished humiliatingly pinned, the victor, snake-like forked tongue flicking madly, follows his objet du désir. But there’s a hitch, if lady lizard has a headache, she bites defensively.
ID and Habitat
I am the lizard king. I can do anything.
- Jim Morrison, Lizard King
As America’s largest and only venomous lizard, Gila monster is “lizard king” straight out of Jurassic Park (Junior Division). These burrow and crevice-dwelling “dinosaurs” grow to nearly two feet. Their thickly built, five pound bodies are scaled with “aposematic” coloration (bright warning colors signifying poison) including orange, yellow and black. Gila monsters spend about 95% of their lives in burrows making cameo appearances to hunt and mate, usually on dry mornings and romantic warm nights.
Bird and reptile eggs are Gila delicacies, but small mammals, lizards, frogs, insects, carrion and birds are enjoyed. Eating fewer than 12 times a year, Gila’s super-size every meal; engorging themselves with up to one-third their body weight, they make Americans look lightweight.
Gila monster’s jaw is strong and relentless; once clamped down, it stays shut. The neurotoxin venom is similar to rattlesnake venom, but a Rube Goldberg delivery system reduces volume. Rather than injecting venom via hypodermic fangs, Gila monsters simply release venom along grooved lower teeth. The anti-gravity “drip” machine isn’t very efficient (think slow drip coffee v. espresso); Gila monsters often roll upside down so venom flows down the groves, into the bite.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Not a single recorded fatality is attributed to these elusive “all hiss and no bite” reptiles. However, they strike fast, bite hard, chew extravagantly, and cause pain so unspeakable it makes rack torture feel like Shiatsu. Also, victims can expect edema (dangerous accumulation of fluids) and a rapid drop in blood pressure. Given sufficient envenomation and time, one could become a statistic.
Hot Tip
Keep extremities away from heavy machinery and Gila monsters. If you pick one up, expect to have a long term relationship with your new friend.
RX
Bite victims should quickly remove the “jaws of death” with a strong stick or pipe. While keeping the wound below your heart, pry open the beast’s mouth; near the throat gives you most leverage. Make sure the lizard is on terra firma (dangling animals tend to hold their grip), give it a means of egress (an open area), and keep the animal upside up (minimizing venom drip). Submersion in water might work, too.
If your new friend insists on joining you, introduce him to the ER staff and get triage priority. Many ER physicians have ADD, so you’ll be doing each other a favor; you get saved and they get their action fix. If you can extricate yourself, irrigate and clean the wound, but still go to the ER where they will check for embedded teeth, etc. Note that there is no anti-venom for these bites.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. Fatal bites are unknown in the United States, but small children are at risk.
- Sheriff Jeff, The Giant Gila Monster (1958)
She and He
Vive le difference! But what difference? It takes an ultrasound examination to sex individuals, but note behavioral clues; males awake from hibernation to wrestle other males for mating privileges. After a Greco-Roman lizardo a lizardo takedown, vanquished humiliatingly pinned, the victor, snake-like forked tongue flicking madly, follows his objet du désir. But there’s a hitch, if lady lizard has a headache, she bites defensively.
ID and Habitat
I am the lizard king. I can do anything.
- Jim Morrison, Lizard King
As America’s largest and only venomous lizard, Gila monster is “lizard king” straight out of Jurassic Park (Junior Division). These burrow and crevice-dwelling “dinosaurs” grow to nearly two feet. Their thickly built, five pound bodies are scaled with “aposematic” coloration (bright warning colors signifying poison) including orange, yellow and black. Gila monsters spend about 95% of their lives in burrows making cameo appearances to hunt and mate, usually on dry mornings and romantic warm nights.
Bird and reptile eggs are Gila delicacies, but small mammals, lizards, frogs, insects, carrion and birds are enjoyed. Eating fewer than 12 times a year, Gila’s super-size every meal; engorging themselves with up to one-third their body weight, they make Americans look lightweight.
Gila monster’s jaw is strong and relentless; once clamped down, it stays shut. The neurotoxin venom is similar to rattlesnake venom, but a Rube Goldberg delivery system reduces volume. Rather than injecting venom via hypodermic fangs, Gila monsters simply release venom along grooved lower teeth. The anti-gravity “drip” machine isn’t very efficient (think slow drip coffee v. espresso); Gila monsters often roll upside down so venom flows down the groves, into the bite.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Not a single recorded fatality is attributed to these elusive “all hiss and no bite” reptiles. However, they strike fast, bite hard, chew extravagantly, and cause pain so unspeakable it makes rack torture feel like Shiatsu. Also, victims can expect edema (dangerous accumulation of fluids) and a rapid drop in blood pressure. Given sufficient envenomation and time, one could become a statistic.
Hot Tip
Keep extremities away from heavy machinery and Gila monsters. If you pick one up, expect to have a long term relationship with your new friend.
RX
Bite victims should quickly remove the “jaws of death” with a strong stick or pipe. While keeping the wound below your heart, pry open the beast’s mouth; near the throat gives you most leverage. Make sure the lizard is on terra firma (dangling animals tend to hold their grip), give it a means of egress (an open area), and keep the animal upside up (minimizing venom drip). Submersion in water might work, too.
If your new friend insists on joining you, introduce him to the ER staff and get triage priority. Many ER physicians have ADD, so you’ll be doing each other a favor; you get saved and they get their action fix. If you can extricate yourself, irrigate and clean the wound, but still go to the ER where they will check for embedded teeth, etc. Note that there is no anti-venom for these bites.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. Fatal bites are unknown in the United States, but small children are at risk.
#3 Bats
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog…
- Shakespeare, Macbeth
She and He
Depending on species, roosting males may vocalize demands for “outcall” service, never leaving their perch:
Hold your Bat Boy, Touch your Bat Boy
No more need to hide!
Know your Bat Boy, Love your Bat Boy
Don't deny your beast inside!
- Musical Cast, Bat Boy
Flyby “batgirls” stop and deliver. In other species, show-off males swarm in bat-out-of-hell flights of fancy reaching copulatory crescendo. Some unsportsmanlike males impregnate hibernating females in the hibernacula, or bat cave. Come on, Robin, to the Bat Cave! There's not a moment to lose! Great care is taken, however, as copulation, like defecation and birthing are performed upside down.
A bat is born naked and blind and pale.
His mother makes a pocket of her tail
and catches him…
- Randall Jarrell
The Royal Society’s journal, Proceedings B (22 March 2006) correlates female promiscuity with male morphology. In species with monogamous females, male brains were larger, but testes smaller; take Batman, for example, big on brains, short on mates (Robin?). But when libertine females dominate, male brains were smaller, testes larger. All balls, no brains; God compensates.
ID and Habitat
The world’s only flying mammals, bats have excellent night vision (no, they’re not flying Helen Kellers) and activate sophisticated sonar “echolocation” (a mental image created by reflected sound) in total darkness. These adaptations work: bats represent nearly 25% of all mammalian species (about 1,100 out of 4,500+/-), second only to rodents. Mostly insectivorous, bat populations slurp up trillions of bugs. With Lilliputian skeletons, they appear more human than even primates—except for gargantuan web-anchoring fingers and backwards-facing knees.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Folkloric vampires don’t exist. Blood sucking is limited to three Latin America species; only one feeds on mammals, usually cattle. While most reported cases of rabies are bat-related, a mere handful is referred annually to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Bats also carry SARS, possibly Ebola, and bite in your sleep. Bat teeth so sharp, incision so small and saliva so anti-coagulant, sleeping victims often remain unaware of their wounds.
Hot Tip
Dead or alive, don’t touch. Bats in your home or belfry? Get professional help. You never want bats where people, especially children, sleep; use window and door screens at night. Finally, if the famous “Bacardi Bat” label is on your bottle of rum, don’t mix drinking and driving.
RX
Use standard first aid, clean and sanitize. Immediately visit the ER; they will inject rabies immunity globulin around the bite. A full series of rabies shots may follow.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. Bites are rare, rabies is treatable.
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog…
- Shakespeare, Macbeth
She and He
Depending on species, roosting males may vocalize demands for “outcall” service, never leaving their perch:
Hold your Bat Boy, Touch your Bat Boy
No more need to hide!
Know your Bat Boy, Love your Bat Boy
Don't deny your beast inside!
- Musical Cast, Bat Boy
Flyby “batgirls” stop and deliver. In other species, show-off males swarm in bat-out-of-hell flights of fancy reaching copulatory crescendo. Some unsportsmanlike males impregnate hibernating females in the hibernacula, or bat cave. Come on, Robin, to the Bat Cave! There's not a moment to lose! Great care is taken, however, as copulation, like defecation and birthing are performed upside down.
A bat is born naked and blind and pale.
His mother makes a pocket of her tail
and catches him…
- Randall Jarrell
The Royal Society’s journal, Proceedings B (22 March 2006) correlates female promiscuity with male morphology. In species with monogamous females, male brains were larger, but testes smaller; take Batman, for example, big on brains, short on mates (Robin?). But when libertine females dominate, male brains were smaller, testes larger. All balls, no brains; God compensates.
ID and Habitat
The world’s only flying mammals, bats have excellent night vision (no, they’re not flying Helen Kellers) and activate sophisticated sonar “echolocation” (a mental image created by reflected sound) in total darkness. These adaptations work: bats represent nearly 25% of all mammalian species (about 1,100 out of 4,500+/-), second only to rodents. Mostly insectivorous, bat populations slurp up trillions of bugs. With Lilliputian skeletons, they appear more human than even primates—except for gargantuan web-anchoring fingers and backwards-facing knees.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Folkloric vampires don’t exist. Blood sucking is limited to three Latin America species; only one feeds on mammals, usually cattle. While most reported cases of rabies are bat-related, a mere handful is referred annually to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Bats also carry SARS, possibly Ebola, and bite in your sleep. Bat teeth so sharp, incision so small and saliva so anti-coagulant, sleeping victims often remain unaware of their wounds.
Hot Tip
Dead or alive, don’t touch. Bats in your home or belfry? Get professional help. You never want bats where people, especially children, sleep; use window and door screens at night. Finally, if the famous “Bacardi Bat” label is on your bottle of rum, don’t mix drinking and driving.
RX
Use standard first aid, clean and sanitize. Immediately visit the ER; they will inject rabies immunity globulin around the bite. A full series of rabies shots may follow.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. Bites are rare, rabies is treatable.
#2 Bees
No more bees, no more pollination ... no more men!
- Einstein (putatively)
She and He
King bee? Note likely, it’s all about her. Worker bees (often sisters, all sterile) create and later kill honeybee queens. Her pheromones, the loyalty-inspiring glue that binds workers to queens, increase with copulatory success and diversity. She lives at the sufferance of workers who, like the henhouse farmer, may terminate her for lack of productivity.
Unlike most species — males compete and females simply select —workers hold the queen to a traditional male “standard.” Mate or die trying.
Young queens fly several inter-colony mating sorties, warehouse ejaculate in spermatheca, and lay eggs the rest of their two to three-year life. Egg production can reach 2000 per day plus another 1000 to 1500 to replace worker mortality, caused mostly by old age.
Males swarm in “drone comets;” queens mate on the wing with 10 (+/-) doomed drones. In a deadly “Nantucket sleigh ride,” he clasps her, inserts his endophallus (inside out phallus) into her sting chamber, is briefly paralyzed, falls backwards, and explodes his phallic tip rocketing ejaculate into her. Sex and death.
ID and Habitat
Bees suck nectar into two vessels, a traditional stomach and a nest-bound “tanker truck.” They also eat and deliberately collect, in specially adapted leg pouches, or “scopa,” pollen as their primary source of protein and larvae food. In the desert southwest they are an invasive species, evicting native “solitary” bees that are better adapted to pollinate native plants.
Dangers Real and Imagined
I’ll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
- Muhammad Ali
Venom-induced pain from barbed stingers is scary, but nothing compared to the carnage: bees are responsible for more deaths than the rest of the “Top 10” combined, mostly because of extreme allergic reactions combined with the large number of people stung. Also, if bees perceive a threat to their hive, they release strong pheromones signaling other bees to launch a Kamikaze attack.
Bee stings release apitoxin, a neurotoxin similar to rattlesnake venom. It inflames skin, coagulates blood, and triggers a dangerous anaphylactic response (massive release of histamines) in highly allergic victims. Fortunately, less than 2% of the population is seriously allergic and most bees are peaceful.
Hot Tip
Don’t provoke trouble. Common sense helps: keep away from hives, avoid wearing bright colors (especially Van Gogh yellow), avoid perfumes and floral soaps, and avoid clothing-optional resorts; wear long sleeves, socks and shoes. Cover all food products and garbage, and don’t swat at bees: miss, you may anger it; hit, you may trigger a defensive swarm.
RX
If stung, immediately (within seconds, if possible) scrape away the singer using a side-to-side motion; credit cards work, or if bankrupt, try fingernails. Time is of the essence, remove the stinger within 15 seconds and very little venom will enter your body. Don’t mess with tweezers or anything fancy since 1) you’ll be wasting time, and 2) it may further embed the stinger.
Quickly (don’t run as this may alarm the hive) leave the area and finish dressing the wound inside a car or a closed bathroom as you will stink of attack pheromones. Wash with soap, water and antibacterial. Ice the area and use bug bite medication (topical and oral antihistamines) to ease pain and itching. Rubbing may spread germs into your open wound.
If you know you’re allergic, carry a bee sting kit with a syringe of epinephrine. Even if not currently allergic, you may develop allergies, especially if you have a history of stings; bee keepers are especially at risk. Also, stings are puncture wounds, so keep your tetanus shots up to date, once every ten years.
Anaphylactic shock is a known killer. Call 911 or get to the ER if you become physically ill, mentally confused (that is, more than usual) or have trouble breathing.
* * *
Death Meter: 10 out of 10 if you are highly allergic, otherwise 4 out of 10 since you can develop an allergy without knowing it.
- Einstein (putatively)
She and He
King bee? Note likely, it’s all about her. Worker bees (often sisters, all sterile) create and later kill honeybee queens. Her pheromones, the loyalty-inspiring glue that binds workers to queens, increase with copulatory success and diversity. She lives at the sufferance of workers who, like the henhouse farmer, may terminate her for lack of productivity.
Unlike most species — males compete and females simply select —workers hold the queen to a traditional male “standard.” Mate or die trying.
Young queens fly several inter-colony mating sorties, warehouse ejaculate in spermatheca, and lay eggs the rest of their two to three-year life. Egg production can reach 2000 per day plus another 1000 to 1500 to replace worker mortality, caused mostly by old age.
Males swarm in “drone comets;” queens mate on the wing with 10 (+/-) doomed drones. In a deadly “Nantucket sleigh ride,” he clasps her, inserts his endophallus (inside out phallus) into her sting chamber, is briefly paralyzed, falls backwards, and explodes his phallic tip rocketing ejaculate into her. Sex and death.
ID and Habitat
Bees suck nectar into two vessels, a traditional stomach and a nest-bound “tanker truck.” They also eat and deliberately collect, in specially adapted leg pouches, or “scopa,” pollen as their primary source of protein and larvae food. In the desert southwest they are an invasive species, evicting native “solitary” bees that are better adapted to pollinate native plants.
Dangers Real and Imagined
I’ll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
- Muhammad Ali
Venom-induced pain from barbed stingers is scary, but nothing compared to the carnage: bees are responsible for more deaths than the rest of the “Top 10” combined, mostly because of extreme allergic reactions combined with the large number of people stung. Also, if bees perceive a threat to their hive, they release strong pheromones signaling other bees to launch a Kamikaze attack.
Bee stings release apitoxin, a neurotoxin similar to rattlesnake venom. It inflames skin, coagulates blood, and triggers a dangerous anaphylactic response (massive release of histamines) in highly allergic victims. Fortunately, less than 2% of the population is seriously allergic and most bees are peaceful.
Hot Tip
Don’t provoke trouble. Common sense helps: keep away from hives, avoid wearing bright colors (especially Van Gogh yellow), avoid perfumes and floral soaps, and avoid clothing-optional resorts; wear long sleeves, socks and shoes. Cover all food products and garbage, and don’t swat at bees: miss, you may anger it; hit, you may trigger a defensive swarm.
RX
If stung, immediately (within seconds, if possible) scrape away the singer using a side-to-side motion; credit cards work, or if bankrupt, try fingernails. Time is of the essence, remove the stinger within 15 seconds and very little venom will enter your body. Don’t mess with tweezers or anything fancy since 1) you’ll be wasting time, and 2) it may further embed the stinger.
Quickly (don’t run as this may alarm the hive) leave the area and finish dressing the wound inside a car or a closed bathroom as you will stink of attack pheromones. Wash with soap, water and antibacterial. Ice the area and use bug bite medication (topical and oral antihistamines) to ease pain and itching. Rubbing may spread germs into your open wound.
If you know you’re allergic, carry a bee sting kit with a syringe of epinephrine. Even if not currently allergic, you may develop allergies, especially if you have a history of stings; bee keepers are especially at risk. Also, stings are puncture wounds, so keep your tetanus shots up to date, once every ten years.
Anaphylactic shock is a known killer. Call 911 or get to the ER if you become physically ill, mentally confused (that is, more than usual) or have trouble breathing.
* * *
Death Meter: 10 out of 10 if you are highly allergic, otherwise 4 out of 10 since you can develop an allergy without knowing it.
#1 Rattlesnakes
The snake stood up for evil in the Garden
- Robert Frost
She and He
Not sexually dimorphic, rattlesnakes are sexed by professional examination or during mating; side-by-side “hemipenes” take turns inseminating females. Compare to humans who lack brain power to control even one penis.
Males wake from hibernation to compete for mating rights; they will gentlemanly wrestle or simply avoid confrontation by scrambling to locate elusive “prey.” Successful males beguile and mount females, then wiggle their hemipenes-laden tales underneath, sometimes staying locked in love for over a day.
Doing the rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake, Make my body ache
Rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take
- Motley Crue, Rattlesnake Shake
Females are “ovoviparous,” they retain eggs inside their bodies; young are born large, dangerous, mean and biting.
ID and Habitat
Best recognized by their triangular head and keratinized scale tail, rattlesnakes live throughout the Southwest: coast, mountains to 10,000 feet, chaparral and low desert. But not all rattlesnakes make noise; juveniles are born sans rattle, and add only one per molt. Two molts, not necessarily two years as the number of molts per year varies (0-4), are required before juveniles can make a rattling sound.
Forked tongues detect odors, left and right, just like your nose. Pit vipers also have “loreal” pits, see-in-the-dark infrared sensing devices located under the nostrils. Snakes rely on ground vibration to reach their internal ears; their loss of extremities (ears, for example) followed their evolutionary march underground.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Rattlesnake is, in fact, just like chicken, only tougher.
- Alistair Cooke
Actually, much tougher. Primatial ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) is genetic; from monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas to Indiana Jones, most bi-ped mammals are repulsed by snakes. Sometimes without warning, rattlesnakes strike at lightening-fast speed, reach up to two-thirds their body lengths, and inject deadly hemotoxin (disrupting blood clotting) via their hypodermic needle fangs. Mojave rattlers also inject neurotoxin (disrupting heart rhythm and breathing) and western diamondbacks are especially dangerous because of their large size; bigger snake, more venom.
Several thousand bites are reported annually, but only a dozen or so are fatal. Defensive “people bites” are not venomous 30% of the time and in half the attacks, the snake injects less than a full dose. However, young snakes are especially dangerous as they don’t conserve venom, usually injecting a full dose. Even if not fatal, serious snake bites cause scaring and sometimes loss of limb.
Hot Tip
Monitor your hands and feet; if you can’t see them—in tall grass or behind rocks—it’s not safe. Avoid hiking alone in remote areas and don proper footwear. Running impairs foot monitoring as does stepping over large rocks or logs; a snake might be sunning on the far side. Better walk around, not over, road hazards. Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T; don’t touch, harass, catch or trap rattlesnakes. Ignore this simple advice and you may require a new primary care physician:
Let’s hope you feel better now.
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian
RX
You may have a life-threatening medical emergency, even if initially asymptomatic. Call 911 immediately or get to the ER post haste, presto, schnell, repide, veloce, pronto, allegro, rapido, etc. Stay calm, movement accelerates the flow of venom in the bloodstream, and keep the wound below your heart. Avoid tight tourniquets and don’t cut, bite, suck or ice the wound, or drink liquor. Unlearn what you “know” from old westerns and comedies:
Always carry a flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
- W.C. Fields
The ER will monitor your symptoms and possibly assign a “severity assessment” from the envenomation scale: zero to five, four and five presents massive bruising and swelling, difficulty breathing, dizziness, vomiting, shock, hemorrhaging and drooling. Antivenin treatment is typically applied to “four” and “five” cases.
* * *
Death Meter: 7 out of 10 if you are bit, otherwise, 3 out of 10 as bites are not likely.
- Robert Frost
She and He
Not sexually dimorphic, rattlesnakes are sexed by professional examination or during mating; side-by-side “hemipenes” take turns inseminating females. Compare to humans who lack brain power to control even one penis.
Males wake from hibernation to compete for mating rights; they will gentlemanly wrestle or simply avoid confrontation by scrambling to locate elusive “prey.” Successful males beguile and mount females, then wiggle their hemipenes-laden tales underneath, sometimes staying locked in love for over a day.
Doing the rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake, Make my body ache
Rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take
- Motley Crue, Rattlesnake Shake
Females are “ovoviparous,” they retain eggs inside their bodies; young are born large, dangerous, mean and biting.
ID and Habitat
Best recognized by their triangular head and keratinized scale tail, rattlesnakes live throughout the Southwest: coast, mountains to 10,000 feet, chaparral and low desert. But not all rattlesnakes make noise; juveniles are born sans rattle, and add only one per molt. Two molts, not necessarily two years as the number of molts per year varies (0-4), are required before juveniles can make a rattling sound.
Forked tongues detect odors, left and right, just like your nose. Pit vipers also have “loreal” pits, see-in-the-dark infrared sensing devices located under the nostrils. Snakes rely on ground vibration to reach their internal ears; their loss of extremities (ears, for example) followed their evolutionary march underground.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Rattlesnake is, in fact, just like chicken, only tougher.
- Alistair Cooke
Actually, much tougher. Primatial ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) is genetic; from monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas to Indiana Jones, most bi-ped mammals are repulsed by snakes. Sometimes without warning, rattlesnakes strike at lightening-fast speed, reach up to two-thirds their body lengths, and inject deadly hemotoxin (disrupting blood clotting) via their hypodermic needle fangs. Mojave rattlers also inject neurotoxin (disrupting heart rhythm and breathing) and western diamondbacks are especially dangerous because of their large size; bigger snake, more venom.
Several thousand bites are reported annually, but only a dozen or so are fatal. Defensive “people bites” are not venomous 30% of the time and in half the attacks, the snake injects less than a full dose. However, young snakes are especially dangerous as they don’t conserve venom, usually injecting a full dose. Even if not fatal, serious snake bites cause scaring and sometimes loss of limb.
Hot Tip
Monitor your hands and feet; if you can’t see them—in tall grass or behind rocks—it’s not safe. Avoid hiking alone in remote areas and don proper footwear. Running impairs foot monitoring as does stepping over large rocks or logs; a snake might be sunning on the far side. Better walk around, not over, road hazards. Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T; don’t touch, harass, catch or trap rattlesnakes. Ignore this simple advice and you may require a new primary care physician:
Let’s hope you feel better now.
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian
RX
You may have a life-threatening medical emergency, even if initially asymptomatic. Call 911 immediately or get to the ER post haste, presto, schnell, repide, veloce, pronto, allegro, rapido, etc. Stay calm, movement accelerates the flow of venom in the bloodstream, and keep the wound below your heart. Avoid tight tourniquets and don’t cut, bite, suck or ice the wound, or drink liquor. Unlearn what you “know” from old westerns and comedies:
Always carry a flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
- W.C. Fields
The ER will monitor your symptoms and possibly assign a “severity assessment” from the envenomation scale: zero to five, four and five presents massive bruising and swelling, difficulty breathing, dizziness, vomiting, shock, hemorrhaging and drooling. Antivenin treatment is typically applied to “four” and “five” cases.
* * *
Death Meter: 7 out of 10 if you are bit, otherwise, 3 out of 10 as bites are not likely.
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