#4 Gila Monsters

Have you heard the reports of a giant lizard?
- Sheriff Jeff, The Giant Gila Monster (1958)

She and He
Vive le difference! But what difference? It takes an ultrasound examination to sex individuals, but note behavioral clues; males awake from hibernation to wrestle other males for mating privileges. After a Greco-Roman lizardo a lizardo takedown, vanquished humiliatingly pinned, the victor, snake-like forked tongue flicking madly, follows his objet du désir. But there’s a hitch, if lady lizard has a headache, she bites defensively.

ID and Habitat

I am the lizard king. I can do anything.
- Jim Morrison, Lizard King

As America’s largest and only venomous lizard, Gila monster is “lizard king” straight out of Jurassic Park (Junior Division). These burrow and crevice-dwelling “dinosaurs” grow to nearly two feet. Their thickly built, five pound bodies are scaled with “aposematic” coloration (bright warning colors signifying poison) including orange, yellow and black. Gila monsters spend about 95% of their lives in burrows making cameo appearances to hunt and mate, usually on dry mornings and romantic warm nights.

Bird and reptile eggs are Gila delicacies, but small mammals, lizards, frogs, insects, carrion and birds are enjoyed. Eating fewer than 12 times a year, Gila’s super-size every meal; engorging themselves with up to one-third their body weight, they make Americans look lightweight.

Gila monster’s jaw is strong and relentless; once clamped down, it stays shut. The neurotoxin venom is similar to rattlesnake venom, but a Rube Goldberg delivery system reduces volume. Rather than injecting venom via hypodermic fangs, Gila monsters simply release venom along grooved lower teeth. The anti-gravity “drip” machine isn’t very efficient (think slow drip coffee v. espresso); Gila monsters often roll upside down so venom flows down the groves, into the bite.

Dangers Real and Imagined
Not a single recorded fatality is attributed to these elusive “all hiss and no bite” reptiles. However, they strike fast, bite hard, chew extravagantly, and cause pain so unspeakable it makes rack torture feel like Shiatsu. Also, victims can expect edema (dangerous accumulation of fluids) and a rapid drop in blood pressure. Given sufficient envenomation and time, one could become a statistic.

Hot Tip
Keep extremities away from heavy machinery and Gila monsters. If you pick one up, expect to have a long term relationship with your new friend.

RX
Bite victims should quickly remove the “jaws of death” with a strong stick or pipe. While keeping the wound below your heart, pry open the beast’s mouth; near the throat gives you most leverage. Make sure the lizard is on terra firma (dangling animals tend to hold their grip), give it a means of egress (an open area), and keep the animal upside up (minimizing venom drip). Submersion in water might work, too.

If your new friend insists on joining you, introduce him to the ER staff and get triage priority. Many ER physicians have ADD, so you’ll be doing each other a favor; you get saved and they get their action fix. If you can extricate yourself, irrigate and clean the wound, but still go to the ER where they will check for embedded teeth, etc. Note that there is no anti-venom for these bites.
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Death Meter: 1 out of 10. Fatal bites are unknown in the United States, but small children are at risk.