#10 Black Widows

Will you walk into my parlor? said the Spider to the Fly

She and He
She bites, he doesn’t. Her lustrous ebony dwarfs his matted dun. In life, his time is short, but in death his life gains notoriety; the overly sensationalized victim of post-coital cannibalization (“eat me,” he gently cooed). He quests for the jewel, but her reclusive setting conceals its obsidian solitaire. Chance upon this boudoir, transmogrify into baby formula. But he accepts the risk; he has no choice, what are the odds of finding another long shot, another procreative “Jeanie” in a bottle?

ID and Habitat
The roughly one inch long femme fatale sports a shapely hourglass figure (a reddish-orange “hourglass” decorates her bulbous ventral abdomen). Black widows are nocturnal, spinning webs in weatherproof, secluded places: behind radiators, in corners of attics and garages, in basements and crawl spaces, and in Aunt Trudy’s hair.

Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not spider food except in monster and horror movies. See fly-sized Vincent Price in 1958’s creep out, The Fly. Famous last words: Help me, help meeeeee! Further proof: the arachnologically correct children’s nursery rhyme…

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly…

OK, so the old lady dies, but not from the spider; it took a horse, of course. Despite the black widow’s incredibly virulent neurotoxin venom (15 times more powerful than a rattlesnake’s), she flees humans and bites only for food, self defense, and in defense of her young, whom she may later eat.

Hot Tip
Just leave them alone so you can die of something else.

RX
Black widows may leave a “bull’s eye” around their bites. Sanitize and ice the area as you would any garden-variety cut, bite, abrasion, or alien probe. Toxins are similar to strong medications; both create serious unintended consequences.

TV ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
Side effects may include serious systemic
reactions such as severe muscle cramping
in the abdomen, back, chest and thighs,
nausea, vomiting, and headache.

And remember, “Envenomate” (that’s both
venom and anti-venom) is not for
everyone so ask your physician if
Envenomate is right for you.

Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms, fantasies of bulbous abdomens, erections lasting over 12 hours, or spiderlings exiting your urethra.
* * *
Death Meter: 3 out of 10. (They rarely bite people; very few envenomation deaths are reported).