Will you walk into my parlor? said the Spider to the Fly
She and He
She bites, he doesn’t. Her lustrous ebony dwarfs his matted dun. In life, his time is short, but in death his life gains notoriety; the overly sensationalized victim of post-coital cannibalization (“eat me,” he gently cooed). He quests for the jewel, but her reclusive setting conceals its obsidian solitaire. Chance upon this boudoir, transmogrify into baby formula. But he accepts the risk; he has no choice, what are the odds of finding another long shot, another procreative “Jeanie” in a bottle?
ID and Habitat
The roughly one inch long femme fatale sports a shapely hourglass figure (a reddish-orange “hourglass” decorates her bulbous ventral abdomen). Black widows are nocturnal, spinning webs in weatherproof, secluded places: behind radiators, in corners of attics and garages, in basements and crawl spaces, and in Aunt Trudy’s hair.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not spider food except in monster and horror movies. See fly-sized Vincent Price in 1958’s creep out, The Fly. Famous last words: Help me, help meeeeee! Further proof: the arachnologically correct children’s nursery rhyme…
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly…
OK, so the old lady dies, but not from the spider; it took a horse, of course. Despite the black widow’s incredibly virulent neurotoxin venom (15 times more powerful than a rattlesnake’s), she flees humans and bites only for food, self defense, and in defense of her young, whom she may later eat.
Hot Tip
Just leave them alone so you can die of something else.
RX
Black widows may leave a “bull’s eye” around their bites. Sanitize and ice the area as you would any garden-variety cut, bite, abrasion, or alien probe. Toxins are similar to strong medications; both create serious unintended consequences.
TV ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
Side effects may include serious systemic
reactions such as severe muscle cramping
in the abdomen, back, chest and thighs,
nausea, vomiting, and headache.
And remember, “Envenomate” (that’s both
venom and anti-venom) is not for
everyone so ask your physician if
Envenomate is right for you.
Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms, fantasies of bulbous abdomens, erections lasting over 12 hours, or spiderlings exiting your urethra.
* * *
Death Meter: 3 out of 10. (They rarely bite people; very few envenomation deaths are reported).
Saturday, December 20, 2008
#9 Scorpions
“It’s in my nature” said the stinging scorpion piggybacked on a swimming frog.
Love Potion #9
Unlike black-widows, scorpion males live la dolce vita “envenom-mating” females during courtship, injecting love potion. Their scary pincer-shaped claws deposit spermatophores; her epidural anesthesia a pleasant aphrodisia. (She’s unaware of the assault with a deadly weapon). Liquor and drugs, are we any better?
One of the oldest known terrestrial arthropods (class arachnida) these ambush predators are near carbon copies of their Paleozoic ancestors, testament to 430 million years of date rape.
ID and Habitat
Scorpions look like, well… scorpions. In daytime, they hide under rocks, inside crevices, and under sand. Active at night, their UV fluorescence is visible with your Jimmy Hendrix poster black-light.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Scorpions envenomate prey by stinging. Here’s Roald Dahl’s Stingaling, that most ugly and repulsive thing.
The moment that his tail goes swish
he has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.
Scorpions actually sting hands and feet unless you suffer “WRS” (wandering rump syndrome). Somnambulists should wear shoes to bed, and the congenitally curious should avoid poking around blind spaces. Of the approximately 2000 species, only a small handful is considered dangerous to people, mostly in North Africa and Australia. Stings from most species are similar to bee stings; they hurt, but you’ll live.
Hot Tip
Check your shoes and avoid walking barefoot outdoors at night.
RX
Calm the victim who should remain immobilized, wound below heart level. Sanitize and immediately ice the area to reduce swelling and slow venom absorption. Symptoms include pupil dilation, eye shaking or wobbling, hyper-salivation, difficulty swallowing and restlessness. Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms.
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. Fatal bites are rare in the United States, but small children are especially at risk.
Love Potion #9
Unlike black-widows, scorpion males live la dolce vita “envenom-mating” females during courtship, injecting love potion. Their scary pincer-shaped claws deposit spermatophores; her epidural anesthesia a pleasant aphrodisia. (She’s unaware of the assault with a deadly weapon). Liquor and drugs, are we any better?
One of the oldest known terrestrial arthropods (class arachnida) these ambush predators are near carbon copies of their Paleozoic ancestors, testament to 430 million years of date rape.
ID and Habitat
Scorpions look like, well… scorpions. In daytime, they hide under rocks, inside crevices, and under sand. Active at night, their UV fluorescence is visible with your Jimmy Hendrix poster black-light.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Scorpions envenomate prey by stinging. Here’s Roald Dahl’s Stingaling, that most ugly and repulsive thing.
The moment that his tail goes swish
he has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.
Scorpions actually sting hands and feet unless you suffer “WRS” (wandering rump syndrome). Somnambulists should wear shoes to bed, and the congenitally curious should avoid poking around blind spaces. Of the approximately 2000 species, only a small handful is considered dangerous to people, mostly in North Africa and Australia. Stings from most species are similar to bee stings; they hurt, but you’ll live.
Hot Tip
Check your shoes and avoid walking barefoot outdoors at night.
RX
Calm the victim who should remain immobilized, wound below heart level. Sanitize and immediately ice the area to reduce swelling and slow venom absorption. Symptoms include pupil dilation, eye shaking or wobbling, hyper-salivation, difficulty swallowing and restlessness. Seek emergency medical treatment for severe symptoms.
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. Fatal bites are rare in the United States, but small children are especially at risk.
#8 Mountain Lions (Cougar, Puma, Panther)
And the lion shall lie down with the lamb…
- Biblical misquote
She and He
Cougars don’t play well with others, their solitary existence breached solely for sex. Not mating for life, they prefer short trysts, the “cougar” moniker appropriately given to older women who prey on younger men. Male cougars usually have three to five females within their home ranges (territory) and play rough, sometimes killing undefended kittens and even adult females. It’s unclear why this species doesn’t win the Darwin Award for its self-destructive gene pool.
ID and Habitat
This unspotted, tawny cat is a stealthy nocturnal killer and exploits its camouflage during dawn and dusk, times when people hike and bike. Adult males can reach 8 feet and weigh up to 200 pounds; females can reach 7 feet and weigh up to 120 pounds. Powerful hindquarters and long rear legs enable them to leap 23 feet. Males’ home ranges sometime exceed 100 square miles. They develop and run a relatively fixed “hunting trail,” relying on their excellent memory of each kill. Young males are most likely to encounter humans as they travel long distances to establish territory.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not lion prey. Our own predator morphology, e.g., forwarded-facing eyes (known as “binocular vision”), easily distinguishes us from prey morphology (eyes facing sideways). Human effluvium also smells predatory; it wafts of malodorous meat. Cougars, like most predators, instinctively fear other predators. And what are humans if not tall, large, bi-ped mammalian predators?
Lions and people now coexist. Civilization and range destruction force lion “habituation” with its deadly interloper, a relatively new invasive species, Homo sapien. Habituated lions, like domestic dogs, lose instinctual fears making them dangerous, especially to low-to-the-ground prey-sized children, pets, crouching adults and dwarfs.
Hot Tip
Hike or bike with others; avoid dawn and dusk. If you find stashed-away dead prey, leave the area; its owner is likely to return. If confronted, stay calm (as if this is possible). Don’t turn and run; hold your ground. Aggressively stare down “punk-cat” with your binocular vision Betty Davis eyes, look big, make noise, throw things (but don’t bend over or crouch down to pick up anything). Get mean. Get jiggy on its hindquarters:
Yo, yo, punk-cat brat
Where you at, u mo fo scat…
[pause]
You lookn’ at me, suckah?
Slowly drift back, especially if punk-cat doesn’t have a means of egress; lions will neither walk backwards nor turn their backs on fellow predators, like you. Cougar are often encountered while tracking prey. Hold still as deer, cougar’s pixel vision magnifies movement, but blurs details; better deer make the fatal first move than you.
RX
If cougar wants you dead, you won’t require first aid. Otherwise, stop hemorrhaging and call 911 or radio an SOS on your walkie-talkie.
* * *
Death Meter: 5 out of 10. They rarely confront people; follow the rules, don’t become a statistical anomaly.
- Biblical misquote
She and He
Cougars don’t play well with others, their solitary existence breached solely for sex. Not mating for life, they prefer short trysts, the “cougar” moniker appropriately given to older women who prey on younger men. Male cougars usually have three to five females within their home ranges (territory) and play rough, sometimes killing undefended kittens and even adult females. It’s unclear why this species doesn’t win the Darwin Award for its self-destructive gene pool.
ID and Habitat
This unspotted, tawny cat is a stealthy nocturnal killer and exploits its camouflage during dawn and dusk, times when people hike and bike. Adult males can reach 8 feet and weigh up to 200 pounds; females can reach 7 feet and weigh up to 120 pounds. Powerful hindquarters and long rear legs enable them to leap 23 feet. Males’ home ranges sometime exceed 100 square miles. They develop and run a relatively fixed “hunting trail,” relying on their excellent memory of each kill. Young males are most likely to encounter humans as they travel long distances to establish territory.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Humans are not lion prey. Our own predator morphology, e.g., forwarded-facing eyes (known as “binocular vision”), easily distinguishes us from prey morphology (eyes facing sideways). Human effluvium also smells predatory; it wafts of malodorous meat. Cougars, like most predators, instinctively fear other predators. And what are humans if not tall, large, bi-ped mammalian predators?
Lions and people now coexist. Civilization and range destruction force lion “habituation” with its deadly interloper, a relatively new invasive species, Homo sapien. Habituated lions, like domestic dogs, lose instinctual fears making them dangerous, especially to low-to-the-ground prey-sized children, pets, crouching adults and dwarfs.
Hot Tip
Hike or bike with others; avoid dawn and dusk. If you find stashed-away dead prey, leave the area; its owner is likely to return. If confronted, stay calm (as if this is possible). Don’t turn and run; hold your ground. Aggressively stare down “punk-cat” with your binocular vision Betty Davis eyes, look big, make noise, throw things (but don’t bend over or crouch down to pick up anything). Get mean. Get jiggy on its hindquarters:
Yo, yo, punk-cat brat
Where you at, u mo fo scat…
[pause]
You lookn’ at me, suckah?
Slowly drift back, especially if punk-cat doesn’t have a means of egress; lions will neither walk backwards nor turn their backs on fellow predators, like you. Cougar are often encountered while tracking prey. Hold still as deer, cougar’s pixel vision magnifies movement, but blurs details; better deer make the fatal first move than you.
RX
If cougar wants you dead, you won’t require first aid. Otherwise, stop hemorrhaging and call 911 or radio an SOS on your walkie-talkie.
* * *
Death Meter: 5 out of 10. They rarely confront people; follow the rules, don’t become a statistical anomaly.
#7 Coyote
Looney Tunes for $1000, the answer is: “Ethelbert”
What is Wile E. Coyote’s middle name?
She and He
Known as jackals outside the New World and the Trickster in Native American folklore, Coyotes practice “facultative” monogamy (males contribute, but are not essential for pup survival) and mate for life. However, alpha males maintain multiple partners and in the Eastern United States (you can guess the states) they conduct inter-species affairs siring hybrid “coydogs.” Fifi and the Varmit Have Pups, Face Ballot Initiative to Restore Traditional Marriage.
Alpha males dominate larger packs and are often responsible for 90% of mating; beta males may sneak sex, but their hoi-polloi progeny is doomed. Females are “monoestrous” (annual cycle) with estrus lasting only 10+/- days; males limit spermatogenesis to this cycle followed by energy-saving testicular regression. Ouch!
ID and Habitat
The cayote[sic]is a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is always poor, out of luck and friendless. The meanest creatures despise him and even the flea would desert him for a velocipede.
- Mark Twain, Roughing It
Typically 20-30 pounds, coyotes are grayish-brown with fluffy, black-tipped tails. Think medium-sized dog. Found throughout the continental United States, they are supposed to be nocturnal, but daytime sightings are common. Their excellent hearing, sophisticated communication, hunting skills and galvanized steel stomachs (scarfing down everything from rotten vegetables to road kill) make coyotes supremely adaptable to humanity. Nocturnal dumpster diving for an all-American dietary cornucopia — pizza, chips, French fries, white bread, fried foods, doughnuts, and cooking grease — this clandestine canine dodges syndrome X, coronary heart disease, hormonal cancers, hypertension, vascular disease, diabetes, and other patriotic ailments.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Coyotes eat small mammals; unless you’re a rodent, fear not. But encroachment, habituation and “making nice” to wildlife contribute to increasingly common attacks. Small to medium sized dogs and cats, infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers are potential prey. Violent encounters with adults are extremely rare, but a brief scan of California newspapers reveals numerous attacks on pets and young children. Reality meter: domestic dog encounters and feral dog packs are underreported and far more dangerous.
Hot Tip
Don’t feed, water or befriend wildlife. Keep them afraid, very afraid; fear is good. Protect pets and children. Use the same precautions and aggressive responses as you would with cougars, “cougars” and your mother-in-law.
RX
Same as cougar, but survival rates are much higher and rabies is more likely.
* * *
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. They rarely confront adults; pets and young children are at risk.
What is Wile E. Coyote’s middle name?
She and He
Known as jackals outside the New World and the Trickster in Native American folklore, Coyotes practice “facultative” monogamy (males contribute, but are not essential for pup survival) and mate for life. However, alpha males maintain multiple partners and in the Eastern United States (you can guess the states) they conduct inter-species affairs siring hybrid “coydogs.” Fifi and the Varmit Have Pups, Face Ballot Initiative to Restore Traditional Marriage.
Alpha males dominate larger packs and are often responsible for 90% of mating; beta males may sneak sex, but their hoi-polloi progeny is doomed. Females are “monoestrous” (annual cycle) with estrus lasting only 10+/- days; males limit spermatogenesis to this cycle followed by energy-saving testicular regression. Ouch!
ID and Habitat
The cayote[sic]is a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is always poor, out of luck and friendless. The meanest creatures despise him and even the flea would desert him for a velocipede.
- Mark Twain, Roughing It
Typically 20-30 pounds, coyotes are grayish-brown with fluffy, black-tipped tails. Think medium-sized dog. Found throughout the continental United States, they are supposed to be nocturnal, but daytime sightings are common. Their excellent hearing, sophisticated communication, hunting skills and galvanized steel stomachs (scarfing down everything from rotten vegetables to road kill) make coyotes supremely adaptable to humanity. Nocturnal dumpster diving for an all-American dietary cornucopia — pizza, chips, French fries, white bread, fried foods, doughnuts, and cooking grease — this clandestine canine dodges syndrome X, coronary heart disease, hormonal cancers, hypertension, vascular disease, diabetes, and other patriotic ailments.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Coyotes eat small mammals; unless you’re a rodent, fear not. But encroachment, habituation and “making nice” to wildlife contribute to increasingly common attacks. Small to medium sized dogs and cats, infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers are potential prey. Violent encounters with adults are extremely rare, but a brief scan of California newspapers reveals numerous attacks on pets and young children. Reality meter: domestic dog encounters and feral dog packs are underreported and far more dangerous.
Hot Tip
Don’t feed, water or befriend wildlife. Keep them afraid, very afraid; fear is good. Protect pets and children. Use the same precautions and aggressive responses as you would with cougars, “cougars” and your mother-in-law.
RX
Same as cougar, but survival rates are much higher and rabies is more likely.
* * *
Death Meter: 4 out of 10. They rarely confront adults; pets and young children are at risk.
#6 Tarantulas
Lo, this is the tarantula's den!... Vengeance will we use, and insult, against all who are not like us--thus do the tarantula-hearts pledge themselves.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra
She and He
Distinguishing the sexes requires an arachnologist with magnifier, although mature adults exhibit sexual “dimorphism” (morphological differences). Females are often bulkier, especially their abdomens. Each autumn, males disperse, making booty calls on burrow-dwelling females. Romeo vibrates his body and taps his legs. If she’s receptive, he gains entrée; if not, he becomes the entré.
An eight-eyed myopic, he’s undaunted by her hairy legs, unshaved beauty in the eye(s) of the beholder. After leggy-spaghetti foreplay (there’s 16 legs between them), his tibial spurs (mating “hooks”) grab her fangs lifting her body—pas de deux—exposing the epigastric furrow, on-ramp to the genital highway. As with black widows, lucky post-coital males bid a hasty retreat, hasta la vista, baby! See YouTube for bodacious arachni-porn.
ID and Habitat
Largest of all spiders, this brownish, hairy, gentle giant reaches five inches long by two inches tall. Its burrow is “J” shaped with a quarter-sized round entrance. An ambush predator, it lays in wait listening for vibrations; a bunker-launched blitzkrieg dispatches unwary prey. Serpent-like fold-out fangs envenomate and liquefy animal innards followed by the pièce de résistance, a straw-shaped mouth Hoovers the goo. Some species have thousands of nasty, barbed, slightly venomous “urticating,” abdominal hairs; used defensively, Tarantulas kick (they have eight legs) them into the face of attackers.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Tarantula, tarantula,
Scuttling out of sight,
Whose bed will your darkness
Glide beneath tonight?
-Richard Edwards—Stowaway
Apparently 007’s. James Bond, horrified to discover Dr. No’s tarantula climbing up his “water spout,” kills the spider, then suffers post-trauma barf. When Bond, James Bond freaks out over a fairly harmless spider, well no wonder tarantula is #6 in our countdown. Tarantulas (except arboreal species) stay grounded, unlikely to climb into beds. Only a non-arachnologist (like Dr. No) would attempt using tarantula as murder weapons.
Tarantulas are unlikely to hurt you, but bites are never pleasant and the barbed hairs often cause serious allergic reactions.
Hot Tip
Hissing tarantulas are pissed off, poised to strike. Don’t piss off wildlife and don’t stick your fingers into quarter-sized holes, or any other cracks, crevices or potential burrowing places like your ear.
RX
Use standard first aid; hydrocortisone for superficial allergic reactions, 911 for serious reactions, such as respiratory distress.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. They are generally harmless to humans.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra
She and He
Distinguishing the sexes requires an arachnologist with magnifier, although mature adults exhibit sexual “dimorphism” (morphological differences). Females are often bulkier, especially their abdomens. Each autumn, males disperse, making booty calls on burrow-dwelling females. Romeo vibrates his body and taps his legs. If she’s receptive, he gains entrée; if not, he becomes the entré.
An eight-eyed myopic, he’s undaunted by her hairy legs, unshaved beauty in the eye(s) of the beholder. After leggy-spaghetti foreplay (there’s 16 legs between them), his tibial spurs (mating “hooks”) grab her fangs lifting her body—pas de deux—exposing the epigastric furrow, on-ramp to the genital highway. As with black widows, lucky post-coital males bid a hasty retreat, hasta la vista, baby! See YouTube for bodacious arachni-porn.
ID and Habitat
Largest of all spiders, this brownish, hairy, gentle giant reaches five inches long by two inches tall. Its burrow is “J” shaped with a quarter-sized round entrance. An ambush predator, it lays in wait listening for vibrations; a bunker-launched blitzkrieg dispatches unwary prey. Serpent-like fold-out fangs envenomate and liquefy animal innards followed by the pièce de résistance, a straw-shaped mouth Hoovers the goo. Some species have thousands of nasty, barbed, slightly venomous “urticating,” abdominal hairs; used defensively, Tarantulas kick (they have eight legs) them into the face of attackers.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Tarantula, tarantula,
Scuttling out of sight,
Whose bed will your darkness
Glide beneath tonight?
-Richard Edwards—Stowaway
Apparently 007’s. James Bond, horrified to discover Dr. No’s tarantula climbing up his “water spout,” kills the spider, then suffers post-trauma barf. When Bond, James Bond freaks out over a fairly harmless spider, well no wonder tarantula is #6 in our countdown. Tarantulas (except arboreal species) stay grounded, unlikely to climb into beds. Only a non-arachnologist (like Dr. No) would attempt using tarantula as murder weapons.
Tarantulas are unlikely to hurt you, but bites are never pleasant and the barbed hairs often cause serious allergic reactions.
Hot Tip
Hissing tarantulas are pissed off, poised to strike. Don’t piss off wildlife and don’t stick your fingers into quarter-sized holes, or any other cracks, crevices or potential burrowing places like your ear.
RX
Use standard first aid; hydrocortisone for superficial allergic reactions, 911 for serious reactions, such as respiratory distress.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. They are generally harmless to humans.
#5 Wood Rats (Packrats, Trade Rats), Mice
You dirty, double-crossing rat.
- James Cagney, Public Enemy
She and He
The female and male appear similar, but Frank Sinatra’s allegorical Rat Pack nomenclature gives clue; male Packrats are well endowed, especially their massive testes. While failing to achieve the “penis to body mass” ratio of the record-holding Western harvest mouse, these randy rodents exploit their “largess.” When not obsessively hoarding food, they are compulsively copulating, with up to 120 sexual acts per hour (mounts and ejaculations). Roger and Jessica Rabbit, eat your hearts out and Guinness Book of World Records, take note.
Females stay busy between copulatory sessions, birthing up to five annual litters, each with as many as five young; the consummate breeding and mothering machine. Babies clamp down their teeth on mother’s nipples for their fist 12 days. Good news for mom… babies wean quickly and are sexually active in 60 days! Bad news… mom sometimes dies after weaning a very full litter of four or five.
ID and Habitat
The desert wood rat is grayish and reaches only 13 inches, including the tail. It eats prickly pear cactus and is prey for coyote, fox, snakes, Gila monsters and owls. Non-native to North America, wood rats migrated here from China and Ethiopia. Like most desert mammals, including illegal aliens, they are nocturnal.
Packrats build rough-hewn homes called “middens,” some older than Stonehenge. Using construction technology unknown to Druids, such as cementing earth with urine, dry-climate middens have been carbon dated to 40,000 years. Often constructed in rock crevices, middens can reach four feet across providing residents with summer cooling and winter heating. Cholla cactus palisades deter both predatory home-invaders and thieves who covet packrats’ treasure trove of stolen goods; rings, trinkets and other objects purloined from unsuspecting Homo sapiens.
Packrats, like cactus wrens who also use cholla for protection, may occupy several homes simultaneously, but far fewer than John McCain. Paleo—just-about-everyone: climatologists, ecologists, botanists, ethno-botanists, “McCainanites” and even anthropologists study middens; like accreted alluvium, they freeze-frame natural history and anthropological time.
Dangers Real and Imagined
The deadly Hanta Virus, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS) is spread to humans through contact with rodents, their urine, and droppings. Of the 30 cases diagnosed annually, the fatality rate is 40%.
Hot Tip
Don’t be messing with animal waste matter or breathing poop dust. Also, never capture wild rodents as pets.
RX
If you find rodent droppings in your home, don’t touch. Call a professional. For DIY hazmat removal, follow some of these suggestions. Don your hazmat suit including rubber gloves, boots, goggles and HEPA breathing respirator. Don’t vacuum or sweep (dust spreads Hantavirus), but instead douse with bleach or a strong disinfectant. Mop or towel up, placing the towel inside a zip lock or trash bag, seal tightly. Disinfectant your hazmat suit before removing it. Mr. Clean “lysols” Pine-Sol poop, then self.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. (But inhale or ingest contaminated droppings, then it’s 4 out of 10).
- James Cagney, Public Enemy
She and He
The female and male appear similar, but Frank Sinatra’s allegorical Rat Pack nomenclature gives clue; male Packrats are well endowed, especially their massive testes. While failing to achieve the “penis to body mass” ratio of the record-holding Western harvest mouse, these randy rodents exploit their “largess.” When not obsessively hoarding food, they are compulsively copulating, with up to 120 sexual acts per hour (mounts and ejaculations). Roger and Jessica Rabbit, eat your hearts out and Guinness Book of World Records, take note.
Females stay busy between copulatory sessions, birthing up to five annual litters, each with as many as five young; the consummate breeding and mothering machine. Babies clamp down their teeth on mother’s nipples for their fist 12 days. Good news for mom… babies wean quickly and are sexually active in 60 days! Bad news… mom sometimes dies after weaning a very full litter of four or five.
ID and Habitat
The desert wood rat is grayish and reaches only 13 inches, including the tail. It eats prickly pear cactus and is prey for coyote, fox, snakes, Gila monsters and owls. Non-native to North America, wood rats migrated here from China and Ethiopia. Like most desert mammals, including illegal aliens, they are nocturnal.
Packrats build rough-hewn homes called “middens,” some older than Stonehenge. Using construction technology unknown to Druids, such as cementing earth with urine, dry-climate middens have been carbon dated to 40,000 years. Often constructed in rock crevices, middens can reach four feet across providing residents with summer cooling and winter heating. Cholla cactus palisades deter both predatory home-invaders and thieves who covet packrats’ treasure trove of stolen goods; rings, trinkets and other objects purloined from unsuspecting Homo sapiens.
Packrats, like cactus wrens who also use cholla for protection, may occupy several homes simultaneously, but far fewer than John McCain. Paleo—just-about-everyone: climatologists, ecologists, botanists, ethno-botanists, “McCainanites” and even anthropologists study middens; like accreted alluvium, they freeze-frame natural history and anthropological time.
Dangers Real and Imagined
The deadly Hanta Virus, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS) is spread to humans through contact with rodents, their urine, and droppings. Of the 30 cases diagnosed annually, the fatality rate is 40%.
Hot Tip
Don’t be messing with animal waste matter or breathing poop dust. Also, never capture wild rodents as pets.
RX
If you find rodent droppings in your home, don’t touch. Call a professional. For DIY hazmat removal, follow some of these suggestions. Don your hazmat suit including rubber gloves, boots, goggles and HEPA breathing respirator. Don’t vacuum or sweep (dust spreads Hantavirus), but instead douse with bleach or a strong disinfectant. Mop or towel up, placing the towel inside a zip lock or trash bag, seal tightly. Disinfectant your hazmat suit before removing it. Mr. Clean “lysols” Pine-Sol poop, then self.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. (But inhale or ingest contaminated droppings, then it’s 4 out of 10).
#4 Gila Monsters
Have you heard the reports of a giant lizard?
- Sheriff Jeff, The Giant Gila Monster (1958)
She and He
Vive le difference! But what difference? It takes an ultrasound examination to sex individuals, but note behavioral clues; males awake from hibernation to wrestle other males for mating privileges. After a Greco-Roman lizardo a lizardo takedown, vanquished humiliatingly pinned, the victor, snake-like forked tongue flicking madly, follows his objet du désir. But there’s a hitch, if lady lizard has a headache, she bites defensively.
ID and Habitat
I am the lizard king. I can do anything.
- Jim Morrison, Lizard King
As America’s largest and only venomous lizard, Gila monster is “lizard king” straight out of Jurassic Park (Junior Division). These burrow and crevice-dwelling “dinosaurs” grow to nearly two feet. Their thickly built, five pound bodies are scaled with “aposematic” coloration (bright warning colors signifying poison) including orange, yellow and black. Gila monsters spend about 95% of their lives in burrows making cameo appearances to hunt and mate, usually on dry mornings and romantic warm nights.
Bird and reptile eggs are Gila delicacies, but small mammals, lizards, frogs, insects, carrion and birds are enjoyed. Eating fewer than 12 times a year, Gila’s super-size every meal; engorging themselves with up to one-third their body weight, they make Americans look lightweight.
Gila monster’s jaw is strong and relentless; once clamped down, it stays shut. The neurotoxin venom is similar to rattlesnake venom, but a Rube Goldberg delivery system reduces volume. Rather than injecting venom via hypodermic fangs, Gila monsters simply release venom along grooved lower teeth. The anti-gravity “drip” machine isn’t very efficient (think slow drip coffee v. espresso); Gila monsters often roll upside down so venom flows down the groves, into the bite.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Not a single recorded fatality is attributed to these elusive “all hiss and no bite” reptiles. However, they strike fast, bite hard, chew extravagantly, and cause pain so unspeakable it makes rack torture feel like Shiatsu. Also, victims can expect edema (dangerous accumulation of fluids) and a rapid drop in blood pressure. Given sufficient envenomation and time, one could become a statistic.
Hot Tip
Keep extremities away from heavy machinery and Gila monsters. If you pick one up, expect to have a long term relationship with your new friend.
RX
Bite victims should quickly remove the “jaws of death” with a strong stick or pipe. While keeping the wound below your heart, pry open the beast’s mouth; near the throat gives you most leverage. Make sure the lizard is on terra firma (dangling animals tend to hold their grip), give it a means of egress (an open area), and keep the animal upside up (minimizing venom drip). Submersion in water might work, too.
If your new friend insists on joining you, introduce him to the ER staff and get triage priority. Many ER physicians have ADD, so you’ll be doing each other a favor; you get saved and they get their action fix. If you can extricate yourself, irrigate and clean the wound, but still go to the ER where they will check for embedded teeth, etc. Note that there is no anti-venom for these bites.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. Fatal bites are unknown in the United States, but small children are at risk.
- Sheriff Jeff, The Giant Gila Monster (1958)
She and He
Vive le difference! But what difference? It takes an ultrasound examination to sex individuals, but note behavioral clues; males awake from hibernation to wrestle other males for mating privileges. After a Greco-Roman lizardo a lizardo takedown, vanquished humiliatingly pinned, the victor, snake-like forked tongue flicking madly, follows his objet du désir. But there’s a hitch, if lady lizard has a headache, she bites defensively.
ID and Habitat
I am the lizard king. I can do anything.
- Jim Morrison, Lizard King
As America’s largest and only venomous lizard, Gila monster is “lizard king” straight out of Jurassic Park (Junior Division). These burrow and crevice-dwelling “dinosaurs” grow to nearly two feet. Their thickly built, five pound bodies are scaled with “aposematic” coloration (bright warning colors signifying poison) including orange, yellow and black. Gila monsters spend about 95% of their lives in burrows making cameo appearances to hunt and mate, usually on dry mornings and romantic warm nights.
Bird and reptile eggs are Gila delicacies, but small mammals, lizards, frogs, insects, carrion and birds are enjoyed. Eating fewer than 12 times a year, Gila’s super-size every meal; engorging themselves with up to one-third their body weight, they make Americans look lightweight.
Gila monster’s jaw is strong and relentless; once clamped down, it stays shut. The neurotoxin venom is similar to rattlesnake venom, but a Rube Goldberg delivery system reduces volume. Rather than injecting venom via hypodermic fangs, Gila monsters simply release venom along grooved lower teeth. The anti-gravity “drip” machine isn’t very efficient (think slow drip coffee v. espresso); Gila monsters often roll upside down so venom flows down the groves, into the bite.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Not a single recorded fatality is attributed to these elusive “all hiss and no bite” reptiles. However, they strike fast, bite hard, chew extravagantly, and cause pain so unspeakable it makes rack torture feel like Shiatsu. Also, victims can expect edema (dangerous accumulation of fluids) and a rapid drop in blood pressure. Given sufficient envenomation and time, one could become a statistic.
Hot Tip
Keep extremities away from heavy machinery and Gila monsters. If you pick one up, expect to have a long term relationship with your new friend.
RX
Bite victims should quickly remove the “jaws of death” with a strong stick or pipe. While keeping the wound below your heart, pry open the beast’s mouth; near the throat gives you most leverage. Make sure the lizard is on terra firma (dangling animals tend to hold their grip), give it a means of egress (an open area), and keep the animal upside up (minimizing venom drip). Submersion in water might work, too.
If your new friend insists on joining you, introduce him to the ER staff and get triage priority. Many ER physicians have ADD, so you’ll be doing each other a favor; you get saved and they get their action fix. If you can extricate yourself, irrigate and clean the wound, but still go to the ER where they will check for embedded teeth, etc. Note that there is no anti-venom for these bites.
* * *
Death Meter: 1 out of 10. Fatal bites are unknown in the United States, but small children are at risk.
#3 Bats
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog…
- Shakespeare, Macbeth
She and He
Depending on species, roosting males may vocalize demands for “outcall” service, never leaving their perch:
Hold your Bat Boy, Touch your Bat Boy
No more need to hide!
Know your Bat Boy, Love your Bat Boy
Don't deny your beast inside!
- Musical Cast, Bat Boy
Flyby “batgirls” stop and deliver. In other species, show-off males swarm in bat-out-of-hell flights of fancy reaching copulatory crescendo. Some unsportsmanlike males impregnate hibernating females in the hibernacula, or bat cave. Come on, Robin, to the Bat Cave! There's not a moment to lose! Great care is taken, however, as copulation, like defecation and birthing are performed upside down.
A bat is born naked and blind and pale.
His mother makes a pocket of her tail
and catches him…
- Randall Jarrell
The Royal Society’s journal, Proceedings B (22 March 2006) correlates female promiscuity with male morphology. In species with monogamous females, male brains were larger, but testes smaller; take Batman, for example, big on brains, short on mates (Robin?). But when libertine females dominate, male brains were smaller, testes larger. All balls, no brains; God compensates.
ID and Habitat
The world’s only flying mammals, bats have excellent night vision (no, they’re not flying Helen Kellers) and activate sophisticated sonar “echolocation” (a mental image created by reflected sound) in total darkness. These adaptations work: bats represent nearly 25% of all mammalian species (about 1,100 out of 4,500+/-), second only to rodents. Mostly insectivorous, bat populations slurp up trillions of bugs. With Lilliputian skeletons, they appear more human than even primates—except for gargantuan web-anchoring fingers and backwards-facing knees.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Folkloric vampires don’t exist. Blood sucking is limited to three Latin America species; only one feeds on mammals, usually cattle. While most reported cases of rabies are bat-related, a mere handful is referred annually to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Bats also carry SARS, possibly Ebola, and bite in your sleep. Bat teeth so sharp, incision so small and saliva so anti-coagulant, sleeping victims often remain unaware of their wounds.
Hot Tip
Dead or alive, don’t touch. Bats in your home or belfry? Get professional help. You never want bats where people, especially children, sleep; use window and door screens at night. Finally, if the famous “Bacardi Bat” label is on your bottle of rum, don’t mix drinking and driving.
RX
Use standard first aid, clean and sanitize. Immediately visit the ER; they will inject rabies immunity globulin around the bite. A full series of rabies shots may follow.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. Bites are rare, rabies is treatable.
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog…
- Shakespeare, Macbeth
She and He
Depending on species, roosting males may vocalize demands for “outcall” service, never leaving their perch:
Hold your Bat Boy, Touch your Bat Boy
No more need to hide!
Know your Bat Boy, Love your Bat Boy
Don't deny your beast inside!
- Musical Cast, Bat Boy
Flyby “batgirls” stop and deliver. In other species, show-off males swarm in bat-out-of-hell flights of fancy reaching copulatory crescendo. Some unsportsmanlike males impregnate hibernating females in the hibernacula, or bat cave. Come on, Robin, to the Bat Cave! There's not a moment to lose! Great care is taken, however, as copulation, like defecation and birthing are performed upside down.
A bat is born naked and blind and pale.
His mother makes a pocket of her tail
and catches him…
- Randall Jarrell
The Royal Society’s journal, Proceedings B (22 March 2006) correlates female promiscuity with male morphology. In species with monogamous females, male brains were larger, but testes smaller; take Batman, for example, big on brains, short on mates (Robin?). But when libertine females dominate, male brains were smaller, testes larger. All balls, no brains; God compensates.
ID and Habitat
The world’s only flying mammals, bats have excellent night vision (no, they’re not flying Helen Kellers) and activate sophisticated sonar “echolocation” (a mental image created by reflected sound) in total darkness. These adaptations work: bats represent nearly 25% of all mammalian species (about 1,100 out of 4,500+/-), second only to rodents. Mostly insectivorous, bat populations slurp up trillions of bugs. With Lilliputian skeletons, they appear more human than even primates—except for gargantuan web-anchoring fingers and backwards-facing knees.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Folkloric vampires don’t exist. Blood sucking is limited to three Latin America species; only one feeds on mammals, usually cattle. While most reported cases of rabies are bat-related, a mere handful is referred annually to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Bats also carry SARS, possibly Ebola, and bite in your sleep. Bat teeth so sharp, incision so small and saliva so anti-coagulant, sleeping victims often remain unaware of their wounds.
Hot Tip
Dead or alive, don’t touch. Bats in your home or belfry? Get professional help. You never want bats where people, especially children, sleep; use window and door screens at night. Finally, if the famous “Bacardi Bat” label is on your bottle of rum, don’t mix drinking and driving.
RX
Use standard first aid, clean and sanitize. Immediately visit the ER; they will inject rabies immunity globulin around the bite. A full series of rabies shots may follow.
* * *
Death Meter: 2 out of 10. Bites are rare, rabies is treatable.
#2 Bees
No more bees, no more pollination ... no more men!
- Einstein (putatively)
She and He
King bee? Note likely, it’s all about her. Worker bees (often sisters, all sterile) create and later kill honeybee queens. Her pheromones, the loyalty-inspiring glue that binds workers to queens, increase with copulatory success and diversity. She lives at the sufferance of workers who, like the henhouse farmer, may terminate her for lack of productivity.
Unlike most species — males compete and females simply select —workers hold the queen to a traditional male “standard.” Mate or die trying.
Young queens fly several inter-colony mating sorties, warehouse ejaculate in spermatheca, and lay eggs the rest of their two to three-year life. Egg production can reach 2000 per day plus another 1000 to 1500 to replace worker mortality, caused mostly by old age.
Males swarm in “drone comets;” queens mate on the wing with 10 (+/-) doomed drones. In a deadly “Nantucket sleigh ride,” he clasps her, inserts his endophallus (inside out phallus) into her sting chamber, is briefly paralyzed, falls backwards, and explodes his phallic tip rocketing ejaculate into her. Sex and death.
ID and Habitat
Bees suck nectar into two vessels, a traditional stomach and a nest-bound “tanker truck.” They also eat and deliberately collect, in specially adapted leg pouches, or “scopa,” pollen as their primary source of protein and larvae food. In the desert southwest they are an invasive species, evicting native “solitary” bees that are better adapted to pollinate native plants.
Dangers Real and Imagined
I’ll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
- Muhammad Ali
Venom-induced pain from barbed stingers is scary, but nothing compared to the carnage: bees are responsible for more deaths than the rest of the “Top 10” combined, mostly because of extreme allergic reactions combined with the large number of people stung. Also, if bees perceive a threat to their hive, they release strong pheromones signaling other bees to launch a Kamikaze attack.
Bee stings release apitoxin, a neurotoxin similar to rattlesnake venom. It inflames skin, coagulates blood, and triggers a dangerous anaphylactic response (massive release of histamines) in highly allergic victims. Fortunately, less than 2% of the population is seriously allergic and most bees are peaceful.
Hot Tip
Don’t provoke trouble. Common sense helps: keep away from hives, avoid wearing bright colors (especially Van Gogh yellow), avoid perfumes and floral soaps, and avoid clothing-optional resorts; wear long sleeves, socks and shoes. Cover all food products and garbage, and don’t swat at bees: miss, you may anger it; hit, you may trigger a defensive swarm.
RX
If stung, immediately (within seconds, if possible) scrape away the singer using a side-to-side motion; credit cards work, or if bankrupt, try fingernails. Time is of the essence, remove the stinger within 15 seconds and very little venom will enter your body. Don’t mess with tweezers or anything fancy since 1) you’ll be wasting time, and 2) it may further embed the stinger.
Quickly (don’t run as this may alarm the hive) leave the area and finish dressing the wound inside a car or a closed bathroom as you will stink of attack pheromones. Wash with soap, water and antibacterial. Ice the area and use bug bite medication (topical and oral antihistamines) to ease pain and itching. Rubbing may spread germs into your open wound.
If you know you’re allergic, carry a bee sting kit with a syringe of epinephrine. Even if not currently allergic, you may develop allergies, especially if you have a history of stings; bee keepers are especially at risk. Also, stings are puncture wounds, so keep your tetanus shots up to date, once every ten years.
Anaphylactic shock is a known killer. Call 911 or get to the ER if you become physically ill, mentally confused (that is, more than usual) or have trouble breathing.
* * *
Death Meter: 10 out of 10 if you are highly allergic, otherwise 4 out of 10 since you can develop an allergy without knowing it.
- Einstein (putatively)
She and He
King bee? Note likely, it’s all about her. Worker bees (often sisters, all sterile) create and later kill honeybee queens. Her pheromones, the loyalty-inspiring glue that binds workers to queens, increase with copulatory success and diversity. She lives at the sufferance of workers who, like the henhouse farmer, may terminate her for lack of productivity.
Unlike most species — males compete and females simply select —workers hold the queen to a traditional male “standard.” Mate or die trying.
Young queens fly several inter-colony mating sorties, warehouse ejaculate in spermatheca, and lay eggs the rest of their two to three-year life. Egg production can reach 2000 per day plus another 1000 to 1500 to replace worker mortality, caused mostly by old age.
Males swarm in “drone comets;” queens mate on the wing with 10 (+/-) doomed drones. In a deadly “Nantucket sleigh ride,” he clasps her, inserts his endophallus (inside out phallus) into her sting chamber, is briefly paralyzed, falls backwards, and explodes his phallic tip rocketing ejaculate into her. Sex and death.
ID and Habitat
Bees suck nectar into two vessels, a traditional stomach and a nest-bound “tanker truck.” They also eat and deliberately collect, in specially adapted leg pouches, or “scopa,” pollen as their primary source of protein and larvae food. In the desert southwest they are an invasive species, evicting native “solitary” bees that are better adapted to pollinate native plants.
Dangers Real and Imagined
I’ll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
- Muhammad Ali
Venom-induced pain from barbed stingers is scary, but nothing compared to the carnage: bees are responsible for more deaths than the rest of the “Top 10” combined, mostly because of extreme allergic reactions combined with the large number of people stung. Also, if bees perceive a threat to their hive, they release strong pheromones signaling other bees to launch a Kamikaze attack.
Bee stings release apitoxin, a neurotoxin similar to rattlesnake venom. It inflames skin, coagulates blood, and triggers a dangerous anaphylactic response (massive release of histamines) in highly allergic victims. Fortunately, less than 2% of the population is seriously allergic and most bees are peaceful.
Hot Tip
Don’t provoke trouble. Common sense helps: keep away from hives, avoid wearing bright colors (especially Van Gogh yellow), avoid perfumes and floral soaps, and avoid clothing-optional resorts; wear long sleeves, socks and shoes. Cover all food products and garbage, and don’t swat at bees: miss, you may anger it; hit, you may trigger a defensive swarm.
RX
If stung, immediately (within seconds, if possible) scrape away the singer using a side-to-side motion; credit cards work, or if bankrupt, try fingernails. Time is of the essence, remove the stinger within 15 seconds and very little venom will enter your body. Don’t mess with tweezers or anything fancy since 1) you’ll be wasting time, and 2) it may further embed the stinger.
Quickly (don’t run as this may alarm the hive) leave the area and finish dressing the wound inside a car or a closed bathroom as you will stink of attack pheromones. Wash with soap, water and antibacterial. Ice the area and use bug bite medication (topical and oral antihistamines) to ease pain and itching. Rubbing may spread germs into your open wound.
If you know you’re allergic, carry a bee sting kit with a syringe of epinephrine. Even if not currently allergic, you may develop allergies, especially if you have a history of stings; bee keepers are especially at risk. Also, stings are puncture wounds, so keep your tetanus shots up to date, once every ten years.
Anaphylactic shock is a known killer. Call 911 or get to the ER if you become physically ill, mentally confused (that is, more than usual) or have trouble breathing.
* * *
Death Meter: 10 out of 10 if you are highly allergic, otherwise 4 out of 10 since you can develop an allergy without knowing it.
#1 Rattlesnakes
The snake stood up for evil in the Garden
- Robert Frost
She and He
Not sexually dimorphic, rattlesnakes are sexed by professional examination or during mating; side-by-side “hemipenes” take turns inseminating females. Compare to humans who lack brain power to control even one penis.
Males wake from hibernation to compete for mating rights; they will gentlemanly wrestle or simply avoid confrontation by scrambling to locate elusive “prey.” Successful males beguile and mount females, then wiggle their hemipenes-laden tales underneath, sometimes staying locked in love for over a day.
Doing the rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake, Make my body ache
Rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take
- Motley Crue, Rattlesnake Shake
Females are “ovoviparous,” they retain eggs inside their bodies; young are born large, dangerous, mean and biting.
ID and Habitat
Best recognized by their triangular head and keratinized scale tail, rattlesnakes live throughout the Southwest: coast, mountains to 10,000 feet, chaparral and low desert. But not all rattlesnakes make noise; juveniles are born sans rattle, and add only one per molt. Two molts, not necessarily two years as the number of molts per year varies (0-4), are required before juveniles can make a rattling sound.
Forked tongues detect odors, left and right, just like your nose. Pit vipers also have “loreal” pits, see-in-the-dark infrared sensing devices located under the nostrils. Snakes rely on ground vibration to reach their internal ears; their loss of extremities (ears, for example) followed their evolutionary march underground.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Rattlesnake is, in fact, just like chicken, only tougher.
- Alistair Cooke
Actually, much tougher. Primatial ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) is genetic; from monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas to Indiana Jones, most bi-ped mammals are repulsed by snakes. Sometimes without warning, rattlesnakes strike at lightening-fast speed, reach up to two-thirds their body lengths, and inject deadly hemotoxin (disrupting blood clotting) via their hypodermic needle fangs. Mojave rattlers also inject neurotoxin (disrupting heart rhythm and breathing) and western diamondbacks are especially dangerous because of their large size; bigger snake, more venom.
Several thousand bites are reported annually, but only a dozen or so are fatal. Defensive “people bites” are not venomous 30% of the time and in half the attacks, the snake injects less than a full dose. However, young snakes are especially dangerous as they don’t conserve venom, usually injecting a full dose. Even if not fatal, serious snake bites cause scaring and sometimes loss of limb.
Hot Tip
Monitor your hands and feet; if you can’t see them—in tall grass or behind rocks—it’s not safe. Avoid hiking alone in remote areas and don proper footwear. Running impairs foot monitoring as does stepping over large rocks or logs; a snake might be sunning on the far side. Better walk around, not over, road hazards. Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T; don’t touch, harass, catch or trap rattlesnakes. Ignore this simple advice and you may require a new primary care physician:
Let’s hope you feel better now.
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian
RX
You may have a life-threatening medical emergency, even if initially asymptomatic. Call 911 immediately or get to the ER post haste, presto, schnell, repide, veloce, pronto, allegro, rapido, etc. Stay calm, movement accelerates the flow of venom in the bloodstream, and keep the wound below your heart. Avoid tight tourniquets and don’t cut, bite, suck or ice the wound, or drink liquor. Unlearn what you “know” from old westerns and comedies:
Always carry a flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
- W.C. Fields
The ER will monitor your symptoms and possibly assign a “severity assessment” from the envenomation scale: zero to five, four and five presents massive bruising and swelling, difficulty breathing, dizziness, vomiting, shock, hemorrhaging and drooling. Antivenin treatment is typically applied to “four” and “five” cases.
* * *
Death Meter: 7 out of 10 if you are bit, otherwise, 3 out of 10 as bites are not likely.
- Robert Frost
She and He
Not sexually dimorphic, rattlesnakes are sexed by professional examination or during mating; side-by-side “hemipenes” take turns inseminating females. Compare to humans who lack brain power to control even one penis.
Males wake from hibernation to compete for mating rights; they will gentlemanly wrestle or simply avoid confrontation by scrambling to locate elusive “prey.” Successful males beguile and mount females, then wiggle their hemipenes-laden tales underneath, sometimes staying locked in love for over a day.
Doing the rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake, Make my body ache
Rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take
- Motley Crue, Rattlesnake Shake
Females are “ovoviparous,” they retain eggs inside their bodies; young are born large, dangerous, mean and biting.
ID and Habitat
Best recognized by their triangular head and keratinized scale tail, rattlesnakes live throughout the Southwest: coast, mountains to 10,000 feet, chaparral and low desert. But not all rattlesnakes make noise; juveniles are born sans rattle, and add only one per molt. Two molts, not necessarily two years as the number of molts per year varies (0-4), are required before juveniles can make a rattling sound.
Forked tongues detect odors, left and right, just like your nose. Pit vipers also have “loreal” pits, see-in-the-dark infrared sensing devices located under the nostrils. Snakes rely on ground vibration to reach their internal ears; their loss of extremities (ears, for example) followed their evolutionary march underground.
Dangers Real and Imagined
Rattlesnake is, in fact, just like chicken, only tougher.
- Alistair Cooke
Actually, much tougher. Primatial ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) is genetic; from monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas to Indiana Jones, most bi-ped mammals are repulsed by snakes. Sometimes without warning, rattlesnakes strike at lightening-fast speed, reach up to two-thirds their body lengths, and inject deadly hemotoxin (disrupting blood clotting) via their hypodermic needle fangs. Mojave rattlers also inject neurotoxin (disrupting heart rhythm and breathing) and western diamondbacks are especially dangerous because of their large size; bigger snake, more venom.
Several thousand bites are reported annually, but only a dozen or so are fatal. Defensive “people bites” are not venomous 30% of the time and in half the attacks, the snake injects less than a full dose. However, young snakes are especially dangerous as they don’t conserve venom, usually injecting a full dose. Even if not fatal, serious snake bites cause scaring and sometimes loss of limb.
Hot Tip
Monitor your hands and feet; if you can’t see them—in tall grass or behind rocks—it’s not safe. Avoid hiking alone in remote areas and don proper footwear. Running impairs foot monitoring as does stepping over large rocks or logs; a snake might be sunning on the far side. Better walk around, not over, road hazards. Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T; don’t touch, harass, catch or trap rattlesnakes. Ignore this simple advice and you may require a new primary care physician:
Let’s hope you feel better now.
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian
RX
You may have a life-threatening medical emergency, even if initially asymptomatic. Call 911 immediately or get to the ER post haste, presto, schnell, repide, veloce, pronto, allegro, rapido, etc. Stay calm, movement accelerates the flow of venom in the bloodstream, and keep the wound below your heart. Avoid tight tourniquets and don’t cut, bite, suck or ice the wound, or drink liquor. Unlearn what you “know” from old westerns and comedies:
Always carry a flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
- W.C. Fields
The ER will monitor your symptoms and possibly assign a “severity assessment” from the envenomation scale: zero to five, four and five presents massive bruising and swelling, difficulty breathing, dizziness, vomiting, shock, hemorrhaging and drooling. Antivenin treatment is typically applied to “four” and “five” cases.
* * *
Death Meter: 7 out of 10 if you are bit, otherwise, 3 out of 10 as bites are not likely.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Appointing Your Sage General
CHAPTER 3
Appointing Your Sage General
Military leadership
is a matter of wisdom,
sincerity, humanity,
courage, and discipline.
-- Sun Tzu
The attorney-client relationship is comparable to the ruler-general relationship. Think of your divorce lawyer as a military leader, or "Sage General," capable of developing strategies, leading an army of associates and paralegals, and negotiating the peace treaty.
Military leadership receives orders
from the civilian leadership.
-- Sun Tzu
You must now be the sovereign ruler responsible for appointing (and sometimes dismissing) the Sage General, a highly specialized professional. As Sovereign Ruler, you control the larger picture and are the ultimate decision maker.
A capable general
without interference
by the ruler will be
victorious.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu believes warfare is too important for civilians, insisting on partial autonomy of the day-to-day operation of the army once the sovereign establishes political objectives; Sage Generals implement the Sovereign Ruler's policies. Just as Sun Tzu would not allow the emperor to interfere with technical military matters, you should not interfere with your lawyer's technical expertise. Divorce strategies require his legal experience and advice, so your reliance on the attorney for strategy is inevitable--counsel decides the Tao, (the "Way") of war. When clients think they understand judges better than their lawyers, they are often unhappy with the results.
A client's insistence on second guessing her lawyers often leads to disappointment:
Mary was married for 23 years to George, a highly successful surgeon, who had several affairs and had hurt Mary when he moved in with his young girlfriend. His lawyer offered one-half of the assets and reasonable, but not generous, alimony. Eventually, George increased his offer because of our diplomatic efforts. Mary was too angry to accept it, believing the judge would punish George financially for breaking his marital vows. Preferring military action to diplomacy, she spent over $30,000 on legal fees, lived through a litigation nightmare, and was awarded almost exactly what diplomacy would have gained her.
The sage general
is the extremely subtle
and mysterious director
of the enemy's fate.
-- Sun Tzu
Sage Generals create circumstances that assure victory, then use diplomacy based on strength to win without fighting. Your lawyer should be able to draw upon an ethical philosophy that compels peace by his ability to wage war. Through spies or psychological warfare, the Sage General is victorious without armed conflict. What enemy would risk annihilation by attacking a fearsome, but humane Sage General?
Your Sage General can also achieve superior results in divorce warfare by building a solid case, then negotiating a settlement agreement backed by planning and preparation. Diplomacy based on strength will avoid warfare, or trial.
The Sage General, working quietly but effectively may help you implement a "carrot and stick" strategy:
Harry was not inclined to settle his case without some arm twisting. Joyce anticipated his recalcitrance, so she spent almost three months gathering information, including planting a spy at his restaurant to count cash receipts and tally costs. We presented this evidence along with a reasonable settlement offer to Harry's lawyer. The weight of the evidence combined with the favorable settlement offer persuaded Harry not to fight. If the evidence had been weak or the offer unreasonable, the case would have gone to trial.
Quest for the Sage General
Excelling at warfare
means conquering those who are
easy to conquer.
-- Sun Tzu
Many factors affect the selection of an attorney who qualifies as Sage General. We outline several major topics, but there is no substitute for relying--at least in part--upon your intuition. All the intellectual, or left-brained, analysis lacks the power of your intuitive right brain's ability to detect danger. When considering a Sage General, take into account:
* Reputation
* Experience and Wisdom
* Accessibility and Responsiveness
* Style and Psyche
* Gender
* Negotiating Skills
* Legal fees
* Reputation
Beware of those who have reputation
but lack substance;
what they say is constantly shifting.
-- Sun Tzu
Reputation is a practitioner's only true asset and is especially important in family law since in most states cases are tried before judges, not juries. Most court appearances are for "motions" during which judges must rely on the accuracy and candor of the attorneys. One highly-respected family court judge once told us, "we know you lawyers talk about us, but what do you think we judges talk about? Lawyers," he said, "especially those who lie to the court....if one judge knows about a lawyer lying to the court, we all know!"
Gaining a consensus about a practitioner's reputation is difficult, especially from former clients in this emotionally- charged arena. Nor can you easily infer good reputation from organizational memberships--they may assure a certain level of experience, but technical expertise alone is no guarantee. We have seen members of prestigious organizations take unconscionable positions, "milk" cases, and sometimes engage in unethical behavior.
Emperor Chou boasted
of his own inflated reputation
and treated all people as inferiors.
He was hated and
the feudal lords revolted.
--T'ai Kung
Reputation is often mistaken for notoriety, but fame and effective advocacy are not synonymous. In his translation of The Art of War, Thomas Cleary retells an old story of a lord of ancient China who once asked his physician who was the most skilled. The physician, a member of an esteemed family of healers, replied:
My eldest brother sees the spirit of sickness
and removes it before it takes shape,
so his name does not get beyond the house.
My elder brother cures sickness when it is still extremely minute,
so his name does not get out of the neighborhood.
As for me, I puncture veins, prescribe potions, and massage skin,
so from time to time my name gets out
and is heard among the lords.
Unnecessary litigation is always financially and emotionally devastating. Distinguish between "well known" litigators and effective advocates by avoiding lawyers with litigious reputations who will cause prolonged fighting and exhaust your resources. Remember that protracted warfare brings ruin.
To win without fighting is best.
-- Sun Tzu
At the conclusion of each trial there are usually two losers. Threats and saber rattling by experienced litigators are useful, but litigation for its own sake is self-defeating. Trial, like armed battle, is the last resort.
General Wu Tzu was wise,
he knew that Sun Tzu could penetrate the enemy.
One morning Wu was discussing military affairs
with the emperor and recommended Sun Tzu seven times.
-- Spring and Autum Annals
A peer referral from two generals led The Emperor of Wu to appoint Sun Tzu as general of his army. Similarly, referrals from other attorneys are valuable. Most lawyers avoid domestic relations cases and are happy to make a referral. When interviewing divorce lawyers, ask about the reputation of other Sage Generals. Ask whom they would use if they were getting divorced and why. Then find out what they think are the most important qualities in a divorce lawyer, and see if they match Sun Tzu's advice.
Non-lawyers may be yet another avenue for referrals, so speak to all your divorced friends. If dissatisfied with their own lawyer, or impressed by opposing counsel, they may recommend their ex-spouses' lawyer. This kind of referral is usually a sign of respect, since many divorcing parties are often forced to acknowledge the skill of opposing counsel.
* Experience and Wisdom
To gain knowledge,
add something every day.
To gain wisdom,
remove something every day.
-- Lao Tzu
Western culture values "left side of the brain" functions such as logic, scientific analysis, and linear reasoning, or as Lao Tzu would say, "adding something every day." Taoism views "right brain" functions such as intuition and aesthetics as the purest form of knowledge and the basis of wisdom. Sages develop their intuition through experience and reflection of nature and human nature, not logic or scientific analysis. When nature is experienced, the observer can remove its various components to understand relationships among things or "interconnectedness." Albert Einstein's great achievements came not only from having a genius IQ, but also from his ability to see interconnectedness.
Without experience and reflection, lawyers lack wisdom. But experience alone does not ensure wisdom since hidden agendas may destroy the lawyer's ability to act wisely: vast experience can be dwarfed by psychological issues and personality problems.
Sage rulers valued generals who were not boastful,
for the boastful are greedy and contentious.
-- Ssu-Ma, The Methods of the Minster of War
Divorce lawyers who boast extensive trial experience may be sending out warning signals. Are they too litigious? Some lawyers are always in court because they fail to communicate with opposing counsel or take unreasonable positions: thus they force judges to make decisions that are better left to the parties.
Generals who do not know the terrain will lose.
-- Sun Tzu
Your Sage General must know the terrain--legal, financial, actuarial, tax related, and psychological--and must be experienced in issues ranging from valuing a closely held business to devising a co-parenting plan for young children. Ask whether counsel specializes in matrimonial law. Attorneys unsophisticated in family law often take unrealistic positions that lead to protracted litigation. You may hope your husband retains inexperienced counsel (believing that such an attorney may be an easy targets for more sophisticated lawyers), but instead they cause undue financial and emotional hardship on both spouses because of their inability to settle cases.
Advance knowledge cannot be
gained by ghosts and spirits,
but only from experience.
-- Sun Tzu
Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes said that a lawyer's most important job is to predict what a court would do in any given situation. The right or intuitive part of the brain is most useful for predicting events, and the left or scientific part is better at explaining past events. Science is no substitute for the instincts of an experienced observer.
Apply the "Holmes" test. Ask your prospective attorney about different family court judges. In most jurisdictions, the family court bench and bar is small; all active practitioners have appeared before each judge. Can they name each judge? What is each judge's reputation? Have they argued contested motions or tried cases before each judge? What kind of cases? Did any have a fact pattern similar to yours? What was the outcome? Ask about the lawyer's most recent trial experience. Finally, do they have wisdom? Can they turn their experience into an accurate intuitive barometer of judicial behavior?
* Accessibility and Responsiveness
If your signals are erroneous or lost,
the enemy can overwhelm you.
-- T'ai Kung
Communication is essential to conflict resolution. Ask whether phone calls are returned within 24 hours. Some lawyers fail to communicate with you about your case, do not answer your phone calls, and get annoyed when you ask questions. They fancy themselves as members of a secret society doing their utmost to heighten the mystery. We often hear stories of frustrated clients who are victims of these callous, disrespectful lawyers.
Sages achieve wisdom by remaining low, humble.
-- Lao Tzu
Some lawyers may be psychologically healthy but nevertheless lack the humility necessary to gain wisdom. Women facing divorce are often vulnerable to the influence of a strong patriarchal figure whose style prohibits a successful client-attorney relationship. An arrogant, patronizing attorney who treats clients like children cannot adequately represent you. "Please detail the various grounds for divorce," you ask. "You need not worry your pretty little head, I'll take care of everything," he answers. Their arrogance not only makes them poor listeners, but also jeopardizes your case, since they cannot prepare thoroughly. They fail to learn enough from the client--preconceived notions block their ability to gain knowledge and wisdom.
Military affairs are directed by the general,
not the ruler.
-- Zhuge Liang
Avoid lawyers who encourage you to make all the decisions. "What is our best course of action?" you ask, only to receive a noncommittal "Well, that's really up to you." Perhaps unsure of himself--or worried about suits for malpractice--he abandons his responsibility. Your Sage General must actively make decisions with your advice and consent. Even explaining alternatives, "on the one hand, we could...and on the other hand," is inadequate. Lawyers should explain all alternatives and recommend a course of action: Only then can you make an informed decision.
Good generals select intelligent officers,
thoughtful advisors, and brave subordinates.
They oversee their troops like a fierce tiger with wings.
-- Zhuge Liang
You must be comfortable with the Sage General and his brave subordinates. Will you be handed over to associates or paralegals? If so, insist on meeting them and ask about their rates and experience. Good Sage Generals establish a chain of command by selecting the right subordinates and closely monitoring their activities.
* Style and Psyche
Sages are guided by what they feel,
not what they see.
-- Lao Tzu
Domestic relations lawyers are an unusual mix, some psychologically healthy, others deeply troubled. Lawyers, like therapists, must listen to and be understanding of clients. Unlike their mental health counterparts, they must perform in the real, but uncertain world of divorce court, which inevitably causes tension in the relationship. Lawyers enter these tense relationships without mental health training or psychological "supervision."
Lawyers' personality disorders, hang-ups, phobias, and paranoia can creep into the attorney-client relationship. You must be sensitive to potential psychopathology during the interview. Watch for warning signs from practitioners who themselves have been through messy, highly contentious divorces. Some of these attorneys are serious troublemakers who cannot help themselves, let alone help you.
You are harmed by decadence
when judgment is based on private views,
when forces are mobilized for personal reasons.
These generals are treacherous and immoral.
-- Zhuge Liang
In one highly contested custody case, our client reviewed court divorce records for "dirt" about the opposing counsel's own divorce. The foot-thick file contained sordid details of a decade-long war. At our first meeting with both lawyers and both parties, we were polite and constructive; but without provocation, opposing counsel stood up and screamed obscenities and physically assaulted our client. He needed supervision and psychotherapy.
Psychotherapists' fees, unlike legal fees, are often covered by insurance, and therapists are trained to deal with your psychological needs. You get very poor value by "ventilating" with your $200-an-hour lawyer. Even a psychologically healthy lawyer can be a dangerous therapist, and a disturbed lawyer can ruin you.
Beware of lying lawyers. Clients sometimes ask us to misrepresent matters to the court saying, "But the other lawyer did; if they fight dirty, so should we." Lying can create short term benefits, but lying is always improper before a court. Wars are won based on truth, even if it means losing occasional battles. Do not ask your lawyer to risk his or her professional reputation, especially since you may lose the war despite fighting dirty. Lawyers who violate ethics rules or break the law may also take liberties with your billing. Do not expect selective dishonesty, especially when money is at stake. If they cheat justice, they will cheat you, too.
Too much talk will exhaust itself.
It is better to stay centered.
--Lao Tzu
Taoists value staying centered. As with the laws of nature, unbalanced extremes will eventually recede to the middle. Overly aggressive and passive lawyers are extremes, or as Taoists would say, out of harmony with nature. Judges tend to disdain extremes and enforce the laws of nature. Neither the nasty, aggressive showman nor the mute coward will prosper.
Know the male, but keep the female.
All things carry Yin and hold to Yang,
their blended influence brings Harmony.
-- Lao Tzu
* Gender
Gender can be a factor--you may not know whether your Sage General should be male or female. The seminal Taoist work, I Ching (the Book of Changes) introduces the concept of yin and yang, which are complementary polarities. Taoism attempts to meld extremes and produce a balanced whole. Similarly, male and female attributes are considered complementary polarities that need harmony and balance. Yang, or male brain physiology, stresses the left hemisphere's ability to specialize intellectually while the yin, or female right-dominated brain, is superior at using feelings and intuition. Men tend to rely on so-called "scientific" evidence while women rely more on their instincts, especially when perceiving danger.
Taoists believe that relying on a purely scientific approach is dangerous since the purest form of knowledge and wisdom comes from your feelings. Sage rulers took advantage of yin and yang polarities by balancing the two, but our culture does not value yin, i.e., "women's intuition." In divorce warfare, yin is essential.
The most important aspect of your choice between male and female general is comfort level. In our practice we balance polarities by using a coed team approach that seems to work well. So try the team approach and pick a firm with male and female lawyers, especially if making the choice is troublesome. Balancing polarities also encourages greater sensitivity to opposite-sex issues and feelings.
* Negotiating Skills
Be suspicious of those claiming
to seek peace without bringing a treaty,
for they are plotting.
-- Sun Tzu
Over 90% of cases are settled without trial, so negotiation skills are critical. Sage Generals are masters of war and diplomacy; they can conduct a siege and negotiate a peace treaty. While using one lawyer throughout the campaign is desirable, your lawyer may not possess all the skills necessary for negotiating a settlement agreement. Some lawyers are too accommodating, while others are too litigious--neither can serve you well. If your lawyer is not a Sage General, consider executing your general: fire the warring lawyer and replace him with a good negotiator.
At war's end, you want a well-crafted peace treaty, or settlement agreement. Make a mistake now and you will suffer interminably since the agreement may affect you for the rest of your life. You worked hard to achieve victory--do not give it away by failing to pay attention to details. In Part Three, "The Aftermath," we discuss the peace treaty and how to replace the warring general with a "negotiator general."
* Legal Fees
A country can be impoverished by its troops.
-- Sun Tzu
Ask about fees. Retainers of several thousand dollars are usually required since divorce clients often dispute bills, and lawyers, after filing an appearance, cannot resign without the court's permission. Most lawyers require their new clients to sign a fee agreement requiring a retainer that is debited for fees and costs, usually on a monthly cycle. Hourly rates vary by location and experience. Expect fees ranging from $100 to $500 per hour, with average urban fees in the $150 to $250 range. You should ask for and receive monthly statements that break out fees by 1/10s of an hour; set forth costs; and describe the service provided. Ask if there is a minimum time charge for certain activities such as phone calls since some lawyers charge a minimum quarter-hour for each task, including two-minute phone calls.
A great military brings years of hunger.
-- Lao Tzu
You will be shocked, and we mean very shocked, at how quickly fees add up. Each conversation with your lawyer, each letter counsel writes, each pleading prepared, each phone call with opposing counsel, each trip to court (including travel time), each consultation with experts, and each memo to the file costs you money. Be careful. Keep track of your $100 "chitchats." Some people are tempted by advertisements of lawyers promising "flat fees" as a cost-effective alternative to the usual hourly rate practice, but these "flat fee" lawyers may end up costing you more time and money.
Melanie, a 45-year-old homemaker and her husband Bruce were married for 22 years. They signed a settlement agreement prepared by a lawyer who charged Melanie a flat fee of $500. Bruce was under no obligation to pay alimony since Melanie (although currently unemployed) planned to resume her pre-marriage teaching career. The divorce judge refused to grant the divorce until the parties' agreement conformed with acceptable guidelines requiring unemployed wives to receive alimony. Melanie was distraught, thinking she would not get her quick inexpensive divorce. We explained the guidelines to her, then negotiated with Bruce and his lawyer for Bruce to pay alimony until Melanie secured a teaching position. With the revised agreement, the judge granted a divorce. Melanie and Bruce would have paid less if they used lawyers willing to spend enough time explaining the law and making sure the agreement conformed to it.
The worst form of decadence in generals
is insatiable greed.
-- Zhuge Liang
Beware of "milkmen," high-profile lawyers who milk cases for every penny. Loving courtroom theatrics, they run through all your money litigating until your retainer runs dry, then fire you! But more than money is at stake. After numerous court appearances and a trial, they will destroy both your economic and emotional health.
When generals are untrustworthy,
doubts and mistrust develop resulting in failure.
-- Liu Ji, Extraordinary Strategies of a Hundred Battles
Avoid lawyers who ask for contingent fees, a percentage of your settlement or judgment. Also, do not be fooled by such euphemistic terms as "bonus" or "success fee," which are no more than a disguise for an unethical practice. Most states prohibit matrimonial lawyers from taking divorce cases on a contingent fee basis, and bonus or success fees look suspiciously like contingent fees. Since the lawyer's fee depends on the death of your marriage, if you want to reconcile, the lawyer's interest and yours clash.
Find out whether your prepaid retainer is considered a minimum fee. Some divorce lawyers say they are entitled to keep your retainer, even if unjustified by the actual time spent. If you fire your lawyer after several weeks, some lawyers insist upon keeping the balance. We believe that retainers should be refundable to the extent they exceed actual time and cost charges. But if the case is protracted, expect to replenish the retainer.
Failed Generals
Avoid generals who are reckless, cowardly,
quick-tempered, thin skinned, and soft-hearted.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu warns against these five traits in generals, any one of which can jeopardize your campaign.
If reckless, he can be killed.
If your Sage General is appointed based solely on a reputation for nasty and aggressive tactics, you may be drawn into a needless war. Reckless aggression presents unnecessary risk. Impulsive lawyers will cost you a small fortune in legal fees and force you into high-risk situations such as a "no-holds-barred" trial. Reckless aggression may gain a short term tactical advantage but ultimately cause defeat. Divorce is traumatic enough without a reckless general wiping out your assets.
If cowardly, he can be captured.
Cowardly lawyers who fear wrong choices are unable to exploit enemy weakness; they hesitate when they should attack and surrender when they should defend vigorously. Cases often stagnate as a result, wasting marital assets. Sun Tzu said, "No country ever benefited from protracted warfare." Indecision during the crucial pre-trial stage is like the fatal pitfall of hesitating during a military maneuver. The cowardly warrior appears to commit, but fails to execute. Will your husband take you seriously if you begin a hostile campaign then shake at the mere mention of court?
If quick-tempered, you can make a fool of him.
The quick-tempered general is similar to the reckless general. Tu Yu, another Chinese military commentator, points out his flaws:
An impulsive man can be provoked
to rage and brought to his death.
One easily angered is irascible, obstinate, and hasty.
He does not consider difficulties.
This general can be provoked into disaster. A quick-tempered divorce lawyer is disliked by other lawyers because of his "wildman" antics, although lawyers also acknowledge that they may manipulate him into acting out in the presence of the judge to win sympathy for their clients.
If he is thin skinned, you can manipulate him.
The thin-skinned general takes every insult to heart and can be easily provoked. He will do almost anything to defend his or her reputation--even at your expense--by filing frivolous pleadings that generate needless and expensive paperwork.
Eric, after separating from his wife Kate, wanted to settle as quickly as possible, and authorized us to make an offer to Kate's attorney. His offer included access to all of his business and financial records to assure Kate and her lawyer that Eric was candid about finances. At a settlement conference, Kate and her lawyer examined Eric's documents alone in a conference room. When we reconvened, we all agreed that we had made significant progress toward settlement, so we agreed to adjourn.
We later discovered that some of Eric's documents were missing and assumed that Kate or her attorney took the material inadvertently. There was no suspicion of wrongdoing since we had told them we would provide copies of any documents they requested, but Kate's attorney became enraged and blamed Eric of falsely accusing him of stealing records. Acting as if his personal integrity were at stake, the lawyer steadfastly refused to discuss settlement again.
If he is soft hearted, you can harass him.
The soft-hearted general is too empathetic to the troops. Fearing casualties, he does everything to avoid conflict, prolonging warfare as a result. Lawyers who cannot act decisively may be doing you a disservice, repeatedly trying to negotiate although conflict is inevitable, thus losing the position of strength while the enemy has time to regroup.
The general should not mobilize the army
out of anger or personal frustration.
--Sun Tzu
Do not make the same mistake as ancient Chinese emperors who appointed friends or family members as generals. Sun Tzu stressed the importance of appointing generals based on merit rather than nepotism, since these arrogant "royal" generals decimated entire states. The attorney-client relationship is so intense during divorce that lawyers find it difficult to maintain objectivity. Like the royal generals, your friends and family are too emotionally involved to maintain objectivity.
Any lawyer who has represented both you and your husband may have a conflict of interest and is probably not a divorce specialist. The "family lawyer" is a peacetime advisor; converting him into a Sage General is problematic. If your parents want to finance the divorce, fine; but make sure dad's old lawyer buddy does not get involved. Remember, this is your divorce; appoint your own Sage General.
Finally, never use the same lawyer as your husband since dual representation is unethical. Even the most amicable spouses have possible conflicts of interest. For instance, if your husband pays you alimony instead of child support, you pay taxes while he gets a deduction. You may want to save money by using one lawyer, but if you think a Sage General can serve two masters, think again.
Motivate Your Sage General
He who treats me fairly is my leader,
he who treats me cruelly is my enemy.
-- Ancient Chinese Proverb
While criminal lawyers see bad people at their best, divorce lawyers see good people at their worst, which often strains the attorney-client relationship. How can you overcome negative feelings and make the Sage General enthusiastic about helping you? Through common sense and subtle manipulation.
* Tell the Truth
If leaders are dishonest,
their directives will not be followed,
resulting in disorder.
-- Huainanzi
Lawyers are often embarrassed by their clients. Avoid humiliating your Sage General in front of a judge because you fed him misinformation. Your lawyer will never trust you again, and you can expect less zealous advocacy as a result. You also may be dropped as a client.
Place a monkey in a cage,
and it is the same as a pig,
not because it isn't clever and quick,
but because it has no place to
freely exercise it capabilities.
-- Huainanzi
You must tell your Sage General the whole truth. Certain unfortunate truths such as spousal abuse can help your case, so if you are an abuse victim, tell your lawyer. Whether or not the information is ever used, the lawyer cannot advise you properly unless he is fully informed. Derogatory information that your husband may use against you should also be included--next to the battlefield, courtrooms are the worst places for being ambushed.
* Pay Your Legal Fees
People may have wonderful traits,
but if arrogant and stingy,
none of their qualities
are worth consideration.
-- Confucius
Fee disputes are common in divorce cases. Parties often feel the system is unfair and refuse to pay for injustice. Law is like any other business; customers who don't pay their invoices may receive decreased service. While ethical canons require zealous advocacy, lawyers are human so do not expect zealous advocacy from someone forced to work without pay. If money is tight, show good faith by attempting to work out a payment schedule or reassure counsel that the bill will be paid.
* Treat Your Sage General Like a Human Being
Benevolence of leadership makes soldiers
charge ahead rather than retreat.
-- Liu Ji
Yes, lawyers do have feelings. Many clients are too wrapped up in their own problems to extend common courtesy to their Sage General. Lawyer abuse is counterproductive. If your self-absorbed behavior makes your Sage General miserable, do not expect him to make a one-hundred percent effort.
To enhance your attorney-client relationship, promptly return his calls; be accessible and leave forwarding numbers; do not ventilate as you would with a therapist; respect his space and avoid surprise visits; be responsive to requests for documents and information; and follow reasonable advice.
Sabotage Enemy Generals
Disrupt the enemy's strategic plans.
Next best is disrupting his alliances with diplomacy.
Attacking his army is least desirable.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu teaches defensive maneuvers and stratagems. You can deal devastating blows before declaring war by barring your husband's access to certain attorneys. Make appointments with those lawyers reputed to be the meanest in town and share confidences with them. Conflict of interest rules will prohibit them from representing your husband because you divulged confidential information. These countermeasures follow Sun Tzu's advice to "do great things while they are still easy." Here the "great thing" would be impossible without early interdiction.
Establish a Legal "Slush" Fund
The army is established by deceit,
moves for advantage, and adapts
through division and combination.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu stressed the importance of raising armies in secret thereby avoiding enemy's attack and defensive countermeasures. Your covert operation requires a secret slush fund since payments of legal fees may reveal your plans prematurely. You should establish your army by deceit. Financial transactions are of strategic importance to the enemy, no less important than knowing enemy troop strength and location. Congress, for example, conceals the Central Intelligence Agency budget for this reason. Never lose the element of surprise.
Pay cash for your initial interview, since cash is not easily traced and you avoid invoices coming to the house. Borrow funds for retainers from friends and family, and have them pay the lawyer directly to avoid having funds flow through your account. You can also make a series of non-suspicious cash withdrawals (traveler's checks work nicely) if friends and family cannot afford to make the loan. Finally, if the funds are drawn on your personal (not joint) account, use a bank money order to avoid having a canceled check with your lawyer's name on it.
Avoid having bank statements or legal invoices sent to the house by using a private mail box service such as Mail Boxes Etc. You may want to avoid using a US Post Office box since keys are marked "USPO-Do Not Duplicate," which may create suspicion if discovered. Private services use unmarked keys, and some have "counter pickup," eliminating the need for a key. If counter service is unavailable, see whether they will accommodate you for an additional fee; otherwise make sure the unmarked key remains undetected. Have your alibi ready in case you are spotted at the mail service by the wrong person. Perhaps you needed to use some of the fine packing and mailing services provided by these firms.
Right-brain Wisdom
When people think they know the answers,
they are lost.
When they know they don't know,
they find wisdom.
-- Lao Tzu
Selecting your Sage General cannot be reduced to a science. We have suggested a left-brained intellectual analysis, or as Lao Tzu would say, "you have gained knowledge by adding something every day." By the time you have interviewed several lawyers, your mind may be cluttered with data, including the valuable, the worthless, and the conflicting. For example, the most expensive lawyer may not be the best; the cheapest may be the least experienced.
You must clear your head from information overload--or as Lao Tzu would say, "to gain wisdom, remove something every day." Lie in bed or on your psychotherapist's couch, close your eyes, and try to shut off your "thinking" brain. Examine your feelings. Think of the first phone call, the interview, the follow up, and any other contacts or reactions you had after the initial meeting, no matter how insignificant. Sometimes the greatest insights are gained from the smallest details. Use your intuition, go with your gut feelings.
Summary
Sage generals are humbled by the wise,
follow good advice, act graciously but remain firm,
and are uncomplicated but create many strategies.
-- Sun Tzu
Your lawyer must be a Sage General who possesses a solid reputation, ample experience and wisdom, and keen negotiating skills. He should be accessible, responsive to your questions, and have a healthy psyche. Finally, the fee structure should be fair, detailed, and conflict free.
Ideally, your Sage General should be assertive and highly civil like Atticus, the trial lawyer played by Gregory Peck in "To Kill a Mockingbird." Too many lawyers needlessly inflame proceedings with gratuitous nastiness; aggression is not strength, but rather a sign of fear or weakness. It is contrary to the Tao and will recede.
The Way means inducing people
to have the same aim as the leadership.
-- Sun Tzu
The Sage General also welcomes your active participation since you are the best source of information and advocacy. Without your input, the lawyer is helpless--any lawyer who avoids your input cannot be a Sage General. Finally, your lawyer should know his place; the Sage General is not the Sovereign Ruler. But even the wisest sage needs spies in the field, and even the greatest Sovereign Ruler needs to build alliances. In Chapter 4, your role shifts from Sovereign Ruler to Sage Warrior, and you will learn how to use spies effectively and form alliances.
<<< | Chapter Two | | Table of Contents | | Chapter Four | >>>
The Tao of Divorce:
A Woman's Tactical Guide to Winning
(based on Sun Tzu's the Art of War)
© 1996-2003, Sun Yee
all rights reserved
Appointing Your Sage General
Military leadership
is a matter of wisdom,
sincerity, humanity,
courage, and discipline.
-- Sun Tzu
The attorney-client relationship is comparable to the ruler-general relationship. Think of your divorce lawyer as a military leader, or "Sage General," capable of developing strategies, leading an army of associates and paralegals, and negotiating the peace treaty.
Military leadership receives orders
from the civilian leadership.
-- Sun Tzu
You must now be the sovereign ruler responsible for appointing (and sometimes dismissing) the Sage General, a highly specialized professional. As Sovereign Ruler, you control the larger picture and are the ultimate decision maker.
A capable general
without interference
by the ruler will be
victorious.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu believes warfare is too important for civilians, insisting on partial autonomy of the day-to-day operation of the army once the sovereign establishes political objectives; Sage Generals implement the Sovereign Ruler's policies. Just as Sun Tzu would not allow the emperor to interfere with technical military matters, you should not interfere with your lawyer's technical expertise. Divorce strategies require his legal experience and advice, so your reliance on the attorney for strategy is inevitable--counsel decides the Tao, (the "Way") of war. When clients think they understand judges better than their lawyers, they are often unhappy with the results.
A client's insistence on second guessing her lawyers often leads to disappointment:
Mary was married for 23 years to George, a highly successful surgeon, who had several affairs and had hurt Mary when he moved in with his young girlfriend. His lawyer offered one-half of the assets and reasonable, but not generous, alimony. Eventually, George increased his offer because of our diplomatic efforts. Mary was too angry to accept it, believing the judge would punish George financially for breaking his marital vows. Preferring military action to diplomacy, she spent over $30,000 on legal fees, lived through a litigation nightmare, and was awarded almost exactly what diplomacy would have gained her.
The sage general
is the extremely subtle
and mysterious director
of the enemy's fate.
-- Sun Tzu
Sage Generals create circumstances that assure victory, then use diplomacy based on strength to win without fighting. Your lawyer should be able to draw upon an ethical philosophy that compels peace by his ability to wage war. Through spies or psychological warfare, the Sage General is victorious without armed conflict. What enemy would risk annihilation by attacking a fearsome, but humane Sage General?
Your Sage General can also achieve superior results in divorce warfare by building a solid case, then negotiating a settlement agreement backed by planning and preparation. Diplomacy based on strength will avoid warfare, or trial.
The Sage General, working quietly but effectively may help you implement a "carrot and stick" strategy:
Harry was not inclined to settle his case without some arm twisting. Joyce anticipated his recalcitrance, so she spent almost three months gathering information, including planting a spy at his restaurant to count cash receipts and tally costs. We presented this evidence along with a reasonable settlement offer to Harry's lawyer. The weight of the evidence combined with the favorable settlement offer persuaded Harry not to fight. If the evidence had been weak or the offer unreasonable, the case would have gone to trial.
Quest for the Sage General
Excelling at warfare
means conquering those who are
easy to conquer.
-- Sun Tzu
Many factors affect the selection of an attorney who qualifies as Sage General. We outline several major topics, but there is no substitute for relying--at least in part--upon your intuition. All the intellectual, or left-brained, analysis lacks the power of your intuitive right brain's ability to detect danger. When considering a Sage General, take into account:
* Reputation
* Experience and Wisdom
* Accessibility and Responsiveness
* Style and Psyche
* Gender
* Negotiating Skills
* Legal fees
* Reputation
Beware of those who have reputation
but lack substance;
what they say is constantly shifting.
-- Sun Tzu
Reputation is a practitioner's only true asset and is especially important in family law since in most states cases are tried before judges, not juries. Most court appearances are for "motions" during which judges must rely on the accuracy and candor of the attorneys. One highly-respected family court judge once told us, "we know you lawyers talk about us, but what do you think we judges talk about? Lawyers," he said, "especially those who lie to the court....if one judge knows about a lawyer lying to the court, we all know!"
Gaining a consensus about a practitioner's reputation is difficult, especially from former clients in this emotionally- charged arena. Nor can you easily infer good reputation from organizational memberships--they may assure a certain level of experience, but technical expertise alone is no guarantee. We have seen members of prestigious organizations take unconscionable positions, "milk" cases, and sometimes engage in unethical behavior.
Emperor Chou boasted
of his own inflated reputation
and treated all people as inferiors.
He was hated and
the feudal lords revolted.
--T'ai Kung
Reputation is often mistaken for notoriety, but fame and effective advocacy are not synonymous. In his translation of The Art of War, Thomas Cleary retells an old story of a lord of ancient China who once asked his physician who was the most skilled. The physician, a member of an esteemed family of healers, replied:
My eldest brother sees the spirit of sickness
and removes it before it takes shape,
so his name does not get beyond the house.
My elder brother cures sickness when it is still extremely minute,
so his name does not get out of the neighborhood.
As for me, I puncture veins, prescribe potions, and massage skin,
so from time to time my name gets out
and is heard among the lords.
Unnecessary litigation is always financially and emotionally devastating. Distinguish between "well known" litigators and effective advocates by avoiding lawyers with litigious reputations who will cause prolonged fighting and exhaust your resources. Remember that protracted warfare brings ruin.
To win without fighting is best.
-- Sun Tzu
At the conclusion of each trial there are usually two losers. Threats and saber rattling by experienced litigators are useful, but litigation for its own sake is self-defeating. Trial, like armed battle, is the last resort.
General Wu Tzu was wise,
he knew that Sun Tzu could penetrate the enemy.
One morning Wu was discussing military affairs
with the emperor and recommended Sun Tzu seven times.
-- Spring and Autum Annals
A peer referral from two generals led The Emperor of Wu to appoint Sun Tzu as general of his army. Similarly, referrals from other attorneys are valuable. Most lawyers avoid domestic relations cases and are happy to make a referral. When interviewing divorce lawyers, ask about the reputation of other Sage Generals. Ask whom they would use if they were getting divorced and why. Then find out what they think are the most important qualities in a divorce lawyer, and see if they match Sun Tzu's advice.
Non-lawyers may be yet another avenue for referrals, so speak to all your divorced friends. If dissatisfied with their own lawyer, or impressed by opposing counsel, they may recommend their ex-spouses' lawyer. This kind of referral is usually a sign of respect, since many divorcing parties are often forced to acknowledge the skill of opposing counsel.
* Experience and Wisdom
To gain knowledge,
add something every day.
To gain wisdom,
remove something every day.
-- Lao Tzu
Western culture values "left side of the brain" functions such as logic, scientific analysis, and linear reasoning, or as Lao Tzu would say, "adding something every day." Taoism views "right brain" functions such as intuition and aesthetics as the purest form of knowledge and the basis of wisdom. Sages develop their intuition through experience and reflection of nature and human nature, not logic or scientific analysis. When nature is experienced, the observer can remove its various components to understand relationships among things or "interconnectedness." Albert Einstein's great achievements came not only from having a genius IQ, but also from his ability to see interconnectedness.
Without experience and reflection, lawyers lack wisdom. But experience alone does not ensure wisdom since hidden agendas may destroy the lawyer's ability to act wisely: vast experience can be dwarfed by psychological issues and personality problems.
Sage rulers valued generals who were not boastful,
for the boastful are greedy and contentious.
-- Ssu-Ma, The Methods of the Minster of War
Divorce lawyers who boast extensive trial experience may be sending out warning signals. Are they too litigious? Some lawyers are always in court because they fail to communicate with opposing counsel or take unreasonable positions: thus they force judges to make decisions that are better left to the parties.
Generals who do not know the terrain will lose.
-- Sun Tzu
Your Sage General must know the terrain--legal, financial, actuarial, tax related, and psychological--and must be experienced in issues ranging from valuing a closely held business to devising a co-parenting plan for young children. Ask whether counsel specializes in matrimonial law. Attorneys unsophisticated in family law often take unrealistic positions that lead to protracted litigation. You may hope your husband retains inexperienced counsel (believing that such an attorney may be an easy targets for more sophisticated lawyers), but instead they cause undue financial and emotional hardship on both spouses because of their inability to settle cases.
Advance knowledge cannot be
gained by ghosts and spirits,
but only from experience.
-- Sun Tzu
Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes said that a lawyer's most important job is to predict what a court would do in any given situation. The right or intuitive part of the brain is most useful for predicting events, and the left or scientific part is better at explaining past events. Science is no substitute for the instincts of an experienced observer.
Apply the "Holmes" test. Ask your prospective attorney about different family court judges. In most jurisdictions, the family court bench and bar is small; all active practitioners have appeared before each judge. Can they name each judge? What is each judge's reputation? Have they argued contested motions or tried cases before each judge? What kind of cases? Did any have a fact pattern similar to yours? What was the outcome? Ask about the lawyer's most recent trial experience. Finally, do they have wisdom? Can they turn their experience into an accurate intuitive barometer of judicial behavior?
* Accessibility and Responsiveness
If your signals are erroneous or lost,
the enemy can overwhelm you.
-- T'ai Kung
Communication is essential to conflict resolution. Ask whether phone calls are returned within 24 hours. Some lawyers fail to communicate with you about your case, do not answer your phone calls, and get annoyed when you ask questions. They fancy themselves as members of a secret society doing their utmost to heighten the mystery. We often hear stories of frustrated clients who are victims of these callous, disrespectful lawyers.
Sages achieve wisdom by remaining low, humble.
-- Lao Tzu
Some lawyers may be psychologically healthy but nevertheless lack the humility necessary to gain wisdom. Women facing divorce are often vulnerable to the influence of a strong patriarchal figure whose style prohibits a successful client-attorney relationship. An arrogant, patronizing attorney who treats clients like children cannot adequately represent you. "Please detail the various grounds for divorce," you ask. "You need not worry your pretty little head, I'll take care of everything," he answers. Their arrogance not only makes them poor listeners, but also jeopardizes your case, since they cannot prepare thoroughly. They fail to learn enough from the client--preconceived notions block their ability to gain knowledge and wisdom.
Military affairs are directed by the general,
not the ruler.
-- Zhuge Liang
Avoid lawyers who encourage you to make all the decisions. "What is our best course of action?" you ask, only to receive a noncommittal "Well, that's really up to you." Perhaps unsure of himself--or worried about suits for malpractice--he abandons his responsibility. Your Sage General must actively make decisions with your advice and consent. Even explaining alternatives, "on the one hand, we could...and on the other hand," is inadequate. Lawyers should explain all alternatives and recommend a course of action: Only then can you make an informed decision.
Good generals select intelligent officers,
thoughtful advisors, and brave subordinates.
They oversee their troops like a fierce tiger with wings.
-- Zhuge Liang
You must be comfortable with the Sage General and his brave subordinates. Will you be handed over to associates or paralegals? If so, insist on meeting them and ask about their rates and experience. Good Sage Generals establish a chain of command by selecting the right subordinates and closely monitoring their activities.
* Style and Psyche
Sages are guided by what they feel,
not what they see.
-- Lao Tzu
Domestic relations lawyers are an unusual mix, some psychologically healthy, others deeply troubled. Lawyers, like therapists, must listen to and be understanding of clients. Unlike their mental health counterparts, they must perform in the real, but uncertain world of divorce court, which inevitably causes tension in the relationship. Lawyers enter these tense relationships without mental health training or psychological "supervision."
Lawyers' personality disorders, hang-ups, phobias, and paranoia can creep into the attorney-client relationship. You must be sensitive to potential psychopathology during the interview. Watch for warning signs from practitioners who themselves have been through messy, highly contentious divorces. Some of these attorneys are serious troublemakers who cannot help themselves, let alone help you.
You are harmed by decadence
when judgment is based on private views,
when forces are mobilized for personal reasons.
These generals are treacherous and immoral.
-- Zhuge Liang
In one highly contested custody case, our client reviewed court divorce records for "dirt" about the opposing counsel's own divorce. The foot-thick file contained sordid details of a decade-long war. At our first meeting with both lawyers and both parties, we were polite and constructive; but without provocation, opposing counsel stood up and screamed obscenities and physically assaulted our client. He needed supervision and psychotherapy.
Psychotherapists' fees, unlike legal fees, are often covered by insurance, and therapists are trained to deal with your psychological needs. You get very poor value by "ventilating" with your $200-an-hour lawyer. Even a psychologically healthy lawyer can be a dangerous therapist, and a disturbed lawyer can ruin you.
Beware of lying lawyers. Clients sometimes ask us to misrepresent matters to the court saying, "But the other lawyer did; if they fight dirty, so should we." Lying can create short term benefits, but lying is always improper before a court. Wars are won based on truth, even if it means losing occasional battles. Do not ask your lawyer to risk his or her professional reputation, especially since you may lose the war despite fighting dirty. Lawyers who violate ethics rules or break the law may also take liberties with your billing. Do not expect selective dishonesty, especially when money is at stake. If they cheat justice, they will cheat you, too.
Too much talk will exhaust itself.
It is better to stay centered.
--Lao Tzu
Taoists value staying centered. As with the laws of nature, unbalanced extremes will eventually recede to the middle. Overly aggressive and passive lawyers are extremes, or as Taoists would say, out of harmony with nature. Judges tend to disdain extremes and enforce the laws of nature. Neither the nasty, aggressive showman nor the mute coward will prosper.
Know the male, but keep the female.
All things carry Yin and hold to Yang,
their blended influence brings Harmony.
-- Lao Tzu
* Gender
Gender can be a factor--you may not know whether your Sage General should be male or female. The seminal Taoist work, I Ching (the Book of Changes) introduces the concept of yin and yang, which are complementary polarities. Taoism attempts to meld extremes and produce a balanced whole. Similarly, male and female attributes are considered complementary polarities that need harmony and balance. Yang, or male brain physiology, stresses the left hemisphere's ability to specialize intellectually while the yin, or female right-dominated brain, is superior at using feelings and intuition. Men tend to rely on so-called "scientific" evidence while women rely more on their instincts, especially when perceiving danger.
Taoists believe that relying on a purely scientific approach is dangerous since the purest form of knowledge and wisdom comes from your feelings. Sage rulers took advantage of yin and yang polarities by balancing the two, but our culture does not value yin, i.e., "women's intuition." In divorce warfare, yin is essential.
The most important aspect of your choice between male and female general is comfort level. In our practice we balance polarities by using a coed team approach that seems to work well. So try the team approach and pick a firm with male and female lawyers, especially if making the choice is troublesome. Balancing polarities also encourages greater sensitivity to opposite-sex issues and feelings.
* Negotiating Skills
Be suspicious of those claiming
to seek peace without bringing a treaty,
for they are plotting.
-- Sun Tzu
Over 90% of cases are settled without trial, so negotiation skills are critical. Sage Generals are masters of war and diplomacy; they can conduct a siege and negotiate a peace treaty. While using one lawyer throughout the campaign is desirable, your lawyer may not possess all the skills necessary for negotiating a settlement agreement. Some lawyers are too accommodating, while others are too litigious--neither can serve you well. If your lawyer is not a Sage General, consider executing your general: fire the warring lawyer and replace him with a good negotiator.
At war's end, you want a well-crafted peace treaty, or settlement agreement. Make a mistake now and you will suffer interminably since the agreement may affect you for the rest of your life. You worked hard to achieve victory--do not give it away by failing to pay attention to details. In Part Three, "The Aftermath," we discuss the peace treaty and how to replace the warring general with a "negotiator general."
* Legal Fees
A country can be impoverished by its troops.
-- Sun Tzu
Ask about fees. Retainers of several thousand dollars are usually required since divorce clients often dispute bills, and lawyers, after filing an appearance, cannot resign without the court's permission. Most lawyers require their new clients to sign a fee agreement requiring a retainer that is debited for fees and costs, usually on a monthly cycle. Hourly rates vary by location and experience. Expect fees ranging from $100 to $500 per hour, with average urban fees in the $150 to $250 range. You should ask for and receive monthly statements that break out fees by 1/10s of an hour; set forth costs; and describe the service provided. Ask if there is a minimum time charge for certain activities such as phone calls since some lawyers charge a minimum quarter-hour for each task, including two-minute phone calls.
A great military brings years of hunger.
-- Lao Tzu
You will be shocked, and we mean very shocked, at how quickly fees add up. Each conversation with your lawyer, each letter counsel writes, each pleading prepared, each phone call with opposing counsel, each trip to court (including travel time), each consultation with experts, and each memo to the file costs you money. Be careful. Keep track of your $100 "chitchats." Some people are tempted by advertisements of lawyers promising "flat fees" as a cost-effective alternative to the usual hourly rate practice, but these "flat fee" lawyers may end up costing you more time and money.
Melanie, a 45-year-old homemaker and her husband Bruce were married for 22 years. They signed a settlement agreement prepared by a lawyer who charged Melanie a flat fee of $500. Bruce was under no obligation to pay alimony since Melanie (although currently unemployed) planned to resume her pre-marriage teaching career. The divorce judge refused to grant the divorce until the parties' agreement conformed with acceptable guidelines requiring unemployed wives to receive alimony. Melanie was distraught, thinking she would not get her quick inexpensive divorce. We explained the guidelines to her, then negotiated with Bruce and his lawyer for Bruce to pay alimony until Melanie secured a teaching position. With the revised agreement, the judge granted a divorce. Melanie and Bruce would have paid less if they used lawyers willing to spend enough time explaining the law and making sure the agreement conformed to it.
The worst form of decadence in generals
is insatiable greed.
-- Zhuge Liang
Beware of "milkmen," high-profile lawyers who milk cases for every penny. Loving courtroom theatrics, they run through all your money litigating until your retainer runs dry, then fire you! But more than money is at stake. After numerous court appearances and a trial, they will destroy both your economic and emotional health.
When generals are untrustworthy,
doubts and mistrust develop resulting in failure.
-- Liu Ji, Extraordinary Strategies of a Hundred Battles
Avoid lawyers who ask for contingent fees, a percentage of your settlement or judgment. Also, do not be fooled by such euphemistic terms as "bonus" or "success fee," which are no more than a disguise for an unethical practice. Most states prohibit matrimonial lawyers from taking divorce cases on a contingent fee basis, and bonus or success fees look suspiciously like contingent fees. Since the lawyer's fee depends on the death of your marriage, if you want to reconcile, the lawyer's interest and yours clash.
Find out whether your prepaid retainer is considered a minimum fee. Some divorce lawyers say they are entitled to keep your retainer, even if unjustified by the actual time spent. If you fire your lawyer after several weeks, some lawyers insist upon keeping the balance. We believe that retainers should be refundable to the extent they exceed actual time and cost charges. But if the case is protracted, expect to replenish the retainer.
Failed Generals
Avoid generals who are reckless, cowardly,
quick-tempered, thin skinned, and soft-hearted.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu warns against these five traits in generals, any one of which can jeopardize your campaign.
If reckless, he can be killed.
If your Sage General is appointed based solely on a reputation for nasty and aggressive tactics, you may be drawn into a needless war. Reckless aggression presents unnecessary risk. Impulsive lawyers will cost you a small fortune in legal fees and force you into high-risk situations such as a "no-holds-barred" trial. Reckless aggression may gain a short term tactical advantage but ultimately cause defeat. Divorce is traumatic enough without a reckless general wiping out your assets.
If cowardly, he can be captured.
Cowardly lawyers who fear wrong choices are unable to exploit enemy weakness; they hesitate when they should attack and surrender when they should defend vigorously. Cases often stagnate as a result, wasting marital assets. Sun Tzu said, "No country ever benefited from protracted warfare." Indecision during the crucial pre-trial stage is like the fatal pitfall of hesitating during a military maneuver. The cowardly warrior appears to commit, but fails to execute. Will your husband take you seriously if you begin a hostile campaign then shake at the mere mention of court?
If quick-tempered, you can make a fool of him.
The quick-tempered general is similar to the reckless general. Tu Yu, another Chinese military commentator, points out his flaws:
An impulsive man can be provoked
to rage and brought to his death.
One easily angered is irascible, obstinate, and hasty.
He does not consider difficulties.
This general can be provoked into disaster. A quick-tempered divorce lawyer is disliked by other lawyers because of his "wildman" antics, although lawyers also acknowledge that they may manipulate him into acting out in the presence of the judge to win sympathy for their clients.
If he is thin skinned, you can manipulate him.
The thin-skinned general takes every insult to heart and can be easily provoked. He will do almost anything to defend his or her reputation--even at your expense--by filing frivolous pleadings that generate needless and expensive paperwork.
Eric, after separating from his wife Kate, wanted to settle as quickly as possible, and authorized us to make an offer to Kate's attorney. His offer included access to all of his business and financial records to assure Kate and her lawyer that Eric was candid about finances. At a settlement conference, Kate and her lawyer examined Eric's documents alone in a conference room. When we reconvened, we all agreed that we had made significant progress toward settlement, so we agreed to adjourn.
We later discovered that some of Eric's documents were missing and assumed that Kate or her attorney took the material inadvertently. There was no suspicion of wrongdoing since we had told them we would provide copies of any documents they requested, but Kate's attorney became enraged and blamed Eric of falsely accusing him of stealing records. Acting as if his personal integrity were at stake, the lawyer steadfastly refused to discuss settlement again.
If he is soft hearted, you can harass him.
The soft-hearted general is too empathetic to the troops. Fearing casualties, he does everything to avoid conflict, prolonging warfare as a result. Lawyers who cannot act decisively may be doing you a disservice, repeatedly trying to negotiate although conflict is inevitable, thus losing the position of strength while the enemy has time to regroup.
The general should not mobilize the army
out of anger or personal frustration.
--Sun Tzu
Do not make the same mistake as ancient Chinese emperors who appointed friends or family members as generals. Sun Tzu stressed the importance of appointing generals based on merit rather than nepotism, since these arrogant "royal" generals decimated entire states. The attorney-client relationship is so intense during divorce that lawyers find it difficult to maintain objectivity. Like the royal generals, your friends and family are too emotionally involved to maintain objectivity.
Any lawyer who has represented both you and your husband may have a conflict of interest and is probably not a divorce specialist. The "family lawyer" is a peacetime advisor; converting him into a Sage General is problematic. If your parents want to finance the divorce, fine; but make sure dad's old lawyer buddy does not get involved. Remember, this is your divorce; appoint your own Sage General.
Finally, never use the same lawyer as your husband since dual representation is unethical. Even the most amicable spouses have possible conflicts of interest. For instance, if your husband pays you alimony instead of child support, you pay taxes while he gets a deduction. You may want to save money by using one lawyer, but if you think a Sage General can serve two masters, think again.
Motivate Your Sage General
He who treats me fairly is my leader,
he who treats me cruelly is my enemy.
-- Ancient Chinese Proverb
While criminal lawyers see bad people at their best, divorce lawyers see good people at their worst, which often strains the attorney-client relationship. How can you overcome negative feelings and make the Sage General enthusiastic about helping you? Through common sense and subtle manipulation.
* Tell the Truth
If leaders are dishonest,
their directives will not be followed,
resulting in disorder.
-- Huainanzi
Lawyers are often embarrassed by their clients. Avoid humiliating your Sage General in front of a judge because you fed him misinformation. Your lawyer will never trust you again, and you can expect less zealous advocacy as a result. You also may be dropped as a client.
Place a monkey in a cage,
and it is the same as a pig,
not because it isn't clever and quick,
but because it has no place to
freely exercise it capabilities.
-- Huainanzi
You must tell your Sage General the whole truth. Certain unfortunate truths such as spousal abuse can help your case, so if you are an abuse victim, tell your lawyer. Whether or not the information is ever used, the lawyer cannot advise you properly unless he is fully informed. Derogatory information that your husband may use against you should also be included--next to the battlefield, courtrooms are the worst places for being ambushed.
* Pay Your Legal Fees
People may have wonderful traits,
but if arrogant and stingy,
none of their qualities
are worth consideration.
-- Confucius
Fee disputes are common in divorce cases. Parties often feel the system is unfair and refuse to pay for injustice. Law is like any other business; customers who don't pay their invoices may receive decreased service. While ethical canons require zealous advocacy, lawyers are human so do not expect zealous advocacy from someone forced to work without pay. If money is tight, show good faith by attempting to work out a payment schedule or reassure counsel that the bill will be paid.
* Treat Your Sage General Like a Human Being
Benevolence of leadership makes soldiers
charge ahead rather than retreat.
-- Liu Ji
Yes, lawyers do have feelings. Many clients are too wrapped up in their own problems to extend common courtesy to their Sage General. Lawyer abuse is counterproductive. If your self-absorbed behavior makes your Sage General miserable, do not expect him to make a one-hundred percent effort.
To enhance your attorney-client relationship, promptly return his calls; be accessible and leave forwarding numbers; do not ventilate as you would with a therapist; respect his space and avoid surprise visits; be responsive to requests for documents and information; and follow reasonable advice.
Sabotage Enemy Generals
Disrupt the enemy's strategic plans.
Next best is disrupting his alliances with diplomacy.
Attacking his army is least desirable.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu teaches defensive maneuvers and stratagems. You can deal devastating blows before declaring war by barring your husband's access to certain attorneys. Make appointments with those lawyers reputed to be the meanest in town and share confidences with them. Conflict of interest rules will prohibit them from representing your husband because you divulged confidential information. These countermeasures follow Sun Tzu's advice to "do great things while they are still easy." Here the "great thing" would be impossible without early interdiction.
Establish a Legal "Slush" Fund
The army is established by deceit,
moves for advantage, and adapts
through division and combination.
-- Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu stressed the importance of raising armies in secret thereby avoiding enemy's attack and defensive countermeasures. Your covert operation requires a secret slush fund since payments of legal fees may reveal your plans prematurely. You should establish your army by deceit. Financial transactions are of strategic importance to the enemy, no less important than knowing enemy troop strength and location. Congress, for example, conceals the Central Intelligence Agency budget for this reason. Never lose the element of surprise.
Pay cash for your initial interview, since cash is not easily traced and you avoid invoices coming to the house. Borrow funds for retainers from friends and family, and have them pay the lawyer directly to avoid having funds flow through your account. You can also make a series of non-suspicious cash withdrawals (traveler's checks work nicely) if friends and family cannot afford to make the loan. Finally, if the funds are drawn on your personal (not joint) account, use a bank money order to avoid having a canceled check with your lawyer's name on it.
Avoid having bank statements or legal invoices sent to the house by using a private mail box service such as Mail Boxes Etc. You may want to avoid using a US Post Office box since keys are marked "USPO-Do Not Duplicate," which may create suspicion if discovered. Private services use unmarked keys, and some have "counter pickup," eliminating the need for a key. If counter service is unavailable, see whether they will accommodate you for an additional fee; otherwise make sure the unmarked key remains undetected. Have your alibi ready in case you are spotted at the mail service by the wrong person. Perhaps you needed to use some of the fine packing and mailing services provided by these firms.
Right-brain Wisdom
When people think they know the answers,
they are lost.
When they know they don't know,
they find wisdom.
-- Lao Tzu
Selecting your Sage General cannot be reduced to a science. We have suggested a left-brained intellectual analysis, or as Lao Tzu would say, "you have gained knowledge by adding something every day." By the time you have interviewed several lawyers, your mind may be cluttered with data, including the valuable, the worthless, and the conflicting. For example, the most expensive lawyer may not be the best; the cheapest may be the least experienced.
You must clear your head from information overload--or as Lao Tzu would say, "to gain wisdom, remove something every day." Lie in bed or on your psychotherapist's couch, close your eyes, and try to shut off your "thinking" brain. Examine your feelings. Think of the first phone call, the interview, the follow up, and any other contacts or reactions you had after the initial meeting, no matter how insignificant. Sometimes the greatest insights are gained from the smallest details. Use your intuition, go with your gut feelings.
Summary
Sage generals are humbled by the wise,
follow good advice, act graciously but remain firm,
and are uncomplicated but create many strategies.
-- Sun Tzu
Your lawyer must be a Sage General who possesses a solid reputation, ample experience and wisdom, and keen negotiating skills. He should be accessible, responsive to your questions, and have a healthy psyche. Finally, the fee structure should be fair, detailed, and conflict free.
Ideally, your Sage General should be assertive and highly civil like Atticus, the trial lawyer played by Gregory Peck in "To Kill a Mockingbird." Too many lawyers needlessly inflame proceedings with gratuitous nastiness; aggression is not strength, but rather a sign of fear or weakness. It is contrary to the Tao and will recede.
The Way means inducing people
to have the same aim as the leadership.
-- Sun Tzu
The Sage General also welcomes your active participation since you are the best source of information and advocacy. Without your input, the lawyer is helpless--any lawyer who avoids your input cannot be a Sage General. Finally, your lawyer should know his place; the Sage General is not the Sovereign Ruler. But even the wisest sage needs spies in the field, and even the greatest Sovereign Ruler needs to build alliances. In Chapter 4, your role shifts from Sovereign Ruler to Sage Warrior, and you will learn how to use spies effectively and form alliances.
<<< | Chapter Two | | Table of Contents | | Chapter Four | >>>
The Tao of Divorce:
A Woman's Tactical Guide to Winning
(based on Sun Tzu's the Art of War)
© 1996-2003, Sun Yee
all rights reserved
The Nutcracker--Mouse Queen's Revenge
[Copyrighted and registered WGA/w]
SYNOPSIS
St. Petersburg, Russia, December 18, 1892
(Action takes place on this one day and in real time with the events of that evening).
ACT I
Ivan, age 14, studies violin at conservatory. He seeks camaraderie with his care-free friends, but his overbearing father, concertmaster at the Maryinski Ballet, thinks Ivan should be more disciplined. Ivan spies from afar the lovely ballerina Catherina, also 14, but Father drags Ivan to the final dress rehearsal before opening night. Ivan sits in the musicians' pit next to father, turning his pages. Father wants Ivan to become a professional violinist. Tchaikovsky conducts.
We meet the strange Drosselmeier and his balletic pet mice. To the opening night ballet audience he is a cast member, an old man with a black eye patch and mystical powers. In reality, he possesses supernatural powers, but is easily manipulated. His only love is not for Natasha, his evil, wanna-be ballerina grand daughter, but for his pet mice.
Love-smitten Ivan watches Catherine outclass Natasha at the final audition. But Natasha is not finished; she will stop at nothing, including murder, to secure the role of “Clara,” the girl whose dream is the Nutcracker ballet. Ivan inadvertently manages to lock horns with macho-Boris, the arrogant 18 year old bully who plays the Nutcracker.
Natasha plots to kill Catherina on-stage, opening night. As originally choreographed, the mouse king almost "kills" Clara, but she is saved by the Nutcracker who "kills" the mouse king. According to Natasha's plan, and at her behest, Drosselmeier will grow his two favorite mice into 8 foot monsters, the “king” mouse will don the seven-headed mouse king costume and he will actually try to kill Catherina/Clara, but there is one complication. . .
Backstage, Ivan figures it out, but none of the adults believes him, nor does Catherine who thinks he's nuts. So Ivan must save his beloved Catherine against her will. He overpowers Boris, steals his costume, finds a real sword, and goes on stage to battle the rodential beast. The ballet audience is unaware of the drama unfolding on stage. Ivan appears to kill the monster mouse per original choreography, but in saving Catherina, he creates another mortal enemy, the 8-foot Mouse Queen. Catherina still thinks Ivan is crazy, she's unaware that he saved her life.
INTERMISSION AND ACT II
On and off stage during intermission and Act II, the vengeful Mouse Queen pursues Ivan and Catherina. Again, the ballet audience is unaware of the on-stage drama. The pursuit is choreographed to a popular version of the Nutcracker. It’s not until the very end, when the young couple is lifted on a sled above the stage, that Catherine realizes that Ivan was right, but it’s almost too late. The Mouse Queen and a wounded, but still alive Mouse King, are in hot pursuit. The Queen jumps into the sled to kill them both, but the Queen falls to her “death.” Catherina kisses Ivan, they are safe and in love. The ballet audience never knew what happened.
FINALE
Catherine and Ivan take their bows to thunderous applause. Along the footlights, the two "dead" monster mice have been transformed back to cute normal sized mice; they kiss and take their bows. In the musician's pit Ivan's dad gives Ivan a standing ovation.
==================================================================================
FADE IN:
[[[Please open links in a second window so you can hear/see while reading]]]
BEGIN OVERTURE
EXT. ST. PETERSBURG - DAY
Through LUMINESCENT SNOW FLURRIES, RUSSIAN-BAROQUE architecture.
SUPER: "SAINT PETERSBURG, RUSSIA, 1892"
BEAUTY SHOTS
sun-gilded polychromed onion domes, spires, Winter Palace (Hermitage), Alexander's Column in Palace Square, The Bronze Horseman.
The frozen Neva River, its canals and quays CRADLED in red GRANITE embankments. Stone bridges adorned by gilded griffins.
OVERTURE OUT
EXT. SAINT PETERSBURG CONSERVATORY
Block-long, neoclassical behemoth.
BEGIN TCHAIKOVSKY VIOLIN CONCERTO
INT. CONSERVATORY AUDITORIUM
Student orchestra plays. IVAN (bespectacled, age 15) sits next to the conductor in the "concert master's" seat. He plays virtuoso violin, allegro vivacissimo.
VIOLIN CONCERTO OUT
EXT. SAINT PETERSBURG CONSERVATORY - LATER
Teenage students exit, carrying instruments. In the midst of the throng, Ivan and VLADY exit--they "fence" using their violin bows while carrying their instrument cases. Ivan's FOOTWORK is extraordinary.
The THUNDER of horse hooves interrupts them. Red-jacketed Cossacks gallop pass. In the swirling snow is
CATHERINA, a lovely 15-year-old. She glides by in SLOW MOTION. Ivan is transfixed.
Vlady "impales" him with the violin bow.
VLADY
Touché!
Ivan spins around.
IVAN
Hey!
Ivan quickly looks back, but Catherina's disappeared.
A group of neighborhood boys, ice skates slung over their shoulders, call to Ivan and Vlady.
NEIGHBORHOOD BOYS
C'mon. We're going skating.
Ivan and Vlady join the group. They walk toward the Neva River.
BOY 1
We're going over to the river--
BOY 2
--To ice skate--
BOY 3
--and check out the girls.
VLADY
Great!
(to Ivan)
Let's go Ivan!
Ivan stops short.
IVAN
I can't.
Ivan places his violin bow back in its case.
IVAN
I have to meet my father.
BOY 1
Ooo, the Maryinski Theatre needs its maestro--
BOY 2
(falsetto)
--And those pretty ballerinas sigh when Maestro Ivan walks by.
Boy 2 mimics a step. Boy 3 pretends to play the violin.
Vlady grabs Ivan's violin case.
The boys run to the river tossing it like a football.
IVAN
Hey, give it back.
Ivan runs after them.
NEVSKY PROSPEKT
The boys zig-zag along the historic boulevard, flanked by large 18th and 19th Century buildings.
VOSTANIYA SQUARE
The boys pass leafleting revolutionaries. A large sign reads "WORKERS UNITE" over ANTON, the protesters' young leader.
Anton leads the chant.
ANTON AND PROTESTERS
Workers rights, we must unite! Workers rights, we must unite!
NEVA RIVER BRIDGE
All the boys, except Ivan, slide down a 20-foot rope to the frozen river.
Vlady hands Ivan the violin case.
VLADY
I'm going to join them. You coming?
IVAN
But, but I told you--I have to meet my--my fath--
Vlady slides down the rope then looks up to Ivan.
VLADY
C'mon Ivan. Don't be chicken.
A girl skates by Vlady. She smiles at him.
VLADY
(to Ivan)
See ya!
Vlady skates after her. Ivan nervously straddles the railing; hands shake on rope.
The protesters run onto the bridge, Cossacks gallop in hot pursuit. They make arrests and chase Anton who runs into Ivan.
ANTON
(shouting)
Move! Let me by.
Ivan looks down, trembles, then looks up to see the approaching Cossacks.
IVAN
But, but--
ANTON
--Go!
Ivan slides down the rope, Anton slides after him, but Ivan stops, just half way down. The rope swings wildly, side-to-side in the WIND.
IVAN
Help!
Anton jumps off the rope, lands hard, struggles getting up, clutches his arm and runs.
Ivan clings to the rope and hears the shouting Cossacks on the bridge. He's jerked upward as the rope is pulled up to the bridge.
IVAN
Listen, I'm no protester--
A hand grabs Ivan's collar and pulls him up.
Ivan looks up nervously, but it's his FATHER, a robust man.
IVAN
Dad!
FATHER
What are you doing on that rope? Performing some circus act?
IVAN
Dad, it's you! I thought you were one of the Cossacks!
FATHER
You are now...
He checks his watch.
FATHER
18 minutes and 47 seconds late for rehearsal. You gave me your word. Instead, I had to scour all of St. Petersburg. Where do I find you? Mixed up with these... these refuseniks.
He picks up Ivan's violin case.
IVAN
I had nothing to do with them. Honest, I--
FATHER
--Come with me this instant.
He shoves the violin case into Ivan's arms and hurries off.
FATHER
Presto! Presto!
Ivan follows.
INT. MARYINSKY THEATRE
AUDITORIUM
ROCOCO SPLENDOR--A heavily-gilded, five-ring, 1,700-seat, imperial edifice with Michelangelo-like murals and a chandelier the size of Rhode Island. The "house" is empty.
The tiered, brocaded, gold and red house curtain is in its "down" position.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
The orchestra is silent; everyone nervously looks around. The conductor, PETER ILYICH TCHAIKOVSKY, checks his pocket watch. Looks up, pauses, taps his baton metronomically on the lectern. He raises the baton.
Ivan's father barrels through the musician's door (under the stage apron) followed by Ivan.
Father scrambles to his "Concert Master" seat next to the conductor. Ivan sits next to him.
TCHAIKOVSKY
So glad you could honor us with your presence, Maestro.
He holds up the baton, then the DOWN BEAT.
BEGIN "TREPAK"
They REHEARSE the lusty Russian folk dance. Ivan turns the pages for his dad.
AUDITORIUM - IMPERIAL BOX
Two mice, one with a black patch over his left eye, dance spiritedly on the railing of the royal gold and white IMPERIAL BOX.
BACK TO PIT
The tempo gathers momentum. At the last measure, Father's "e" string SNAPS.
It "TWANGS." SILENCE.
BACK TO IMPERIAL BOX
The mice look at each other and HOLD their noses and shake their heads. The mouse with a patch scurries off.
BACK TO PIT
Musicians look around and clear their throats. Tchaikovsky glares at Father.
TCHAIKOVSKY
Thank you for your unique interpretation of my music.
Father hands Ivan the broken string.
DAD
(stage whisper)
Ivan, get me another string. In the music room. Quick!
BACK TO IMPERIAL BOX
DROSSELMEIER (tall, gaunt, and wrinkled with a black PATCH over his eye) approaches the remaining mouse.
DROSSELMEYER
There you are my naughty lovely.
He picks her up.
BACK TO PIT
Ivan exits under the stage apron into
BACKSTAGE
The musicians' locker room and opens the door to the MUSIC ROOM. In addition to sheet music and supplies, it contains a strange elevator-like contraption.
Drosselmeier's black-patched mouse DARTS in front of him. Ivan jumps backwards and lands in the elevator, reaches out to brace himself, and accidentally pushes a button. It LURCHES up.
ON-STAGE--BEHIND HOUSE CURTAIN
Stagehands "hang" the show.
They "fly" scenery with pulleys, ropes, battens, sandbag counterweights, lower a GIANT CHRISTMAS TREE, then check TRAP DOORS, stage rear.
STAGEHAND 1
Again, no extra pay for overtime.
STAGEHAND 2
It's like we're still serfs.
STAGEHAND 1
Lenin's calling for a general strike.
STAGEHAND 2
But he's in jail--
Stage Hand 2 is interrupted by the gaffer, Anton (with clip board and arm in sling from earlier mishap at the bridge). He stands on a "fly gallery," high above the stage floor.
ANTON
(shouting)
--OK, that's enough. Back to work. The walls have ears!
A 4X4 section of the stage rises. Ivan rides in the "elevator trap"--the top of the elevator is a 4X4 stage floor "trap."
ANTON
You never know who might--
He notices the elevator trap.
ANTON
--pop up.
Ivan is on-stage, unable to move, blocked by the Christmas tree.
IVAN
Whoops!
STAGEHAND 1
Who said that?
He examines the tree.
STAGEHAND 1
It sounds like it's coming from here.
STAGEHAND 2
A talking Christmas tree? Lay off the vodka.
Anton grabs onto a "fly" rope, and "rides the line" down as the Christmas tree ascends, slowing his descent.
Ivan watches the tree lift off the ground. He stands center stage, uncamouflaged.
ANTON
Hey you! What are you doing here?
IVAN
I'm trying to find--Don't I know you?
Anton nervously hurries Ivan along.
ANTON
You belong downstairs. That's where you'll find the other dancers.
IVAN
But I'm not a dance--
Anton grabs Ivan's arm, eyeballs him.
ANTON
We've never met, understand?
A confused Ivan walks to the elevator trap. Anton grabs him again.
ANTON
No, not that way.
IVAN
But my father needs--
Anton pushes him into the wings.
ANTON
--Dancers! All their brains are in their feet.
BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
Ivan walks cautiously, lost in a catacomb of hallways. He toys with the broken violin string.
IVAN
(to himself)
Where's that music room?
VOICE
Now, you Mouse King, advance, good, en garde.
Ivan looks into a rehearsal room. He watches BORIS, a handsome, muscular young man (about 18), in the NUTCRACKER costume and "MOUSE KING," the seven-headed, eight-foot rodent played by Sergei, an adult dancer.
REHEARSAL ROOM
Assistant balletmaster LEV IVANOV choreographs a sword fight. The dancers follow his direction. A pianist accompanies.
LEV IVANOV
Now Nutcracker, get ready to defend. Good. Mouse King, attack! Now both parry. Nice. You Mouse King, remise. Then Nutcracker, you riposte. Very good. Mouse King, feint. Both parry, now, counter-parry. Correct. Then Nutcracker, you fall. And Mouse King, raise your sword over him.
Ivanov stands behind Mouse King holding a ballet slipper over his head.
LEV IVANOV
Now this is where Clara throws her slipper.
Ivanov throws the slipper at Mouse King. It grazes his back and hits
Ivan's GLASSES, knocking them off.
Boris leaps up, sword in-hand.
LEV IVANOV
Now Mouse King, turn around and run to Clara. I'll be Clara.
Mouse King runs to Ivanov; holds his sword over him.
LEV IVANOV
Now this is where Nutcracker stabs Mouse King.
Boris, about to plunge his rehearsal sword into Ivanov, notices Ivan crawling on the floor, looking for his glasses.
BORIS
(to Ivan)
How dare you spy on my rehearsal!
Ivan quickly dons his glasses and stands. Boris struts to Ivan, but STOPS SHORT to check his image in the mirror. He turns to Ivan.
BORIS
(snaps)
Who are you--what are you doing here?
IVAN
I... I...
BORIS
If I ever catch you sneaking around here again...
Boris points the "sword" threateningly at Ivan. Ivan backs out of the room.
Boris pushes Ivan with the sword into the...
HALLWAY
BORIS
I'll slice you into--
Boris thrusts the sword at Ivan.
BORIS
Stroganoff!
Ivan leaps backwards and accidentally stumbles into ...
BALLET STUDIO
Catherina, interrupting her dance. She trips and falls. In b.g., ten girls (about Ivan's age) wear leotards and tights (like Catherina). They stand along the barre in front of wall-length mirrors.
The REHEARSAL PIANIST stops playing.
BALLETMASTER MARIUS PETIPA (age 73) frowns.
Ivan is stunned, embarrassed.
CATHERINA
Would you be a galant and help me up?
He awkwardly helps her up. She curtseys and smiles.
CATHERINA
Merci.
The other ballerinas GIGGLE.
Blushing Ivan dashes out.
HALLWAY
He runs a few feet, then returns to the ballet studio doorway. He PEEKS in unnoticed.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
(French accent)
Catherina, you may continue.
(to rehearsal pianist)
Maestro?
Catherina dances EXQUISITELY. Ivan is smitten by her, he stares ENRAPTURED.
BEGIN SONG 1: Ivan sings "Catherina" [Ivan/Catherina dance fantasy]
SONG OUT, Ivan returns to reality.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Tres bien, ma petite chou-chou. I think you are ready for a major role.
Petipa holds her hands.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
You are to dance Clara in Maestro Tchaikovsky's new ballet, "The Nutcracker."
The girls surround and congratulate Catherina, except NATASHA (sultry, age 16), who stands apart. She ANGRILY grips and twists her "pointe" slippers.
Boris pushes past Ivan. He STRUTS in like a peacock.
BORIS
Ah, the sound of rapturous adulation. Here I am.
The girls swarm around him.
BALLERINA 1
Catherina's got the part!
BALLERINA 2
She's going to play Clara!
BORIS
(to Catherina)
My new prima ballerina.
He takes her hand.
BORIS
What a fortunate girl to have such a handsome star.
Boris kisses her hand, but she watches Ivan in the doorway. He drops the violin string and walks away dejectedly. She follows and Picks up the violin string. She ties the string on his finger.
CATHERINA
Here, so you'll remember.
They gaze into each other's eyes. Then startled by SHATTERING glass. Catherina runs into the rehearsal room doorway as Natasha runs out, almost knocking her (Catherina) over.
BALLET STUDIO
Catherina joins the startled group. Their images are fractured as they examine the broken wall mirror.
BACKSTAGE STAIRWAY
Gothic.
Natasha RUNS downstairs.
DISSOLVE TO:
INSIDE SNOW GLOBE
Natasha RUNS downstairs, water-distorted.
BOILER ROOM
Natasha's image is in a SNOW GLOBE. It sits next to Drosselmeier.
The room is cavernous, sooty, with a catwalk above. A fire HISSES in the giant boiler.
Next to the snow globe, Drosselmeier dresses his two pet mice in tiny lederhosen costumes. He looks into the snow globe.
INSIDE SNOW GLOBE
Natasha reaches for a door.
BOILER ROOM
Natasha RUNS into the room CRYING.
NATASHA
Papa, Papa, Papa!
Frightened, the two mice SCURRY off the table.
DROSSELMEYER
Now, now dear, didn't I tell you not to come barging in? You scared the mousikins.
Drosselmeier SEARCHES the room. Natasha STAMPS her foot.
NATASHA
Catherina, Catherina, Catherina. Why is it always Catherina!?
DROSSELMEYER
Watch where you're stepping--oh!
He SPOTS the mice.
NATASHA
I could kill that Catherina.
He SCOOPS up the mice and pets them.
DROSSELMEYER
(to the mice)
There you are my little kazatskys.
He makes "KISSY" sounds.
NATASHA
You haven't listened to a word I said! I'm telling you about Catherina. She stole my part. The part of Clara in the Nutcracker. That was mine!
Drosselmeier finishes dressing the mice in their lederhosen costumes.
NATASHA
And that conceited peacock, Boris, was congratulating her too.
She struts around, imitating him, kissing her own hand.
DROSSELMEYER
There, there Natasha. I'm sure there'll be other Boris's--I mean parts.
He places the mice inside an elaborate cuckoo clock. He ignores her.
NATASHA
But I want that part. I have to play Clara. I have to! If I don't, I'll just die--Papa, will you stop playing with those furry freaks. They can't help. They're useless!
The "cuckoo" clock STRIKES THREE. The two mice dressed in LEDERHOSEN (like Hansel and Gretel)
MARCH around the clock.
NATASHA
Oh, you make me so furious.
Drosselmeier looks up to see Natasha about to SMASH the snow globe.
DROSSELMEYER
No!
He stops her.
DROSSELMEYER
Breaking it will destroy my magic.
NATASHA
Your magic! All your so-called magical powers are wasted on your stupid experiments. It's never for me. What good are these ridiculous mice? They can't help me get the part I want in the Nutcracker, can they? Huh?
Drosselmeier looks up with a
MANIACAL GRIN.
DROSSELMEYER
Au contraire, ma chère.
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
I HAVE A PLAN.
NATASHA
(singing)
REALLY?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
WHERE YOU'LL LAND YOUR MAN.
NATASHA
(singing)
BUT IT'S THE PART.
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
I KNOW.
NATASHA
(singing)
THAT'S REALLY IN MY HEART.
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THEN USE SOME MAGIC.
NATASHA
(singing)
HOW?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
AND YOUR FUTURE WON'T BE TRAGIC.
NATASHA
What can you possibly be thinking?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THERE'S A MOUSE KING IN THE PERFORMANCE
ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE
ENORMOUS
SEE THESE CRITTERS, MY LITTLE MICEY
LOOK HOW THEY'RE GROWING UP SO NICELY
BUT I CAN MAKE THEM BOTH
GIGANTIC
SO DARLING NATASHA, DON'T YOU
PANIC.
NATASHA
So we make these mice big. What's the point?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
WHEN THE MOUSE KING DIES
IT'LL STILL BE PRETEND
BUT THE PERSON WHO'LL REALLY COME TO HER END
WLL BE THE GIRL WHO PLAYS CLARA.
NATASHA
Catherina!?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THEN OUR OWN MOUSE KING WILL FLEE-- AND SHRINK DOWN TO SIZE--NO ONE THE WISER THAT HE--
NATASHA
--the murderer--
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
WAS ALIVE!
NATASHA
(singing)
WE'LL TURN THE BALLET ON ITS HEAD--WITH CATHERINA WHO IS DEAD!
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THE ROLE WILL BE YOURS.
NATASHA
(singing)
OH, PAPA! J'ADORE!
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THE MOUSE WILL DO OUR KILLING--
NATASHA
(singing)
THIS REALLY IS TOO THRILLING--
DROSSELMEYER
Shhh! Not a word to anyone.
NATASHA
I swear.
DROSSELMEYER
Now let's see.
He presses his good eye against the SNOW GLOBE. "Hansel and Gretel" mice GROW inside.
Drosselmeier and Natasha both look up AWESTRUCK. She GASPS.
The mice are eight feet tall.
DROSSELMEYER
Voilà. There!
Drosselmeier hands MOUSE KING a SWORD and MOUSE QUEEN a CROWN.
EXT. THEATRE SQUARE - NIGHT
Large, gaslit public square surrounded by public buildings.
The MARYINSKY THEATRE draws closer, a moon-lit neoclassical blue and white wedding cake structure.
SUPER: "CHRISTMAS EVE"
Church bells RING.
Aristocratic theatergoers exit their luxurious horse-drawn sleighs with liveries in red uniforms.
A fancy coach arrives drawn by a team of white horses. It resembles an enormous FABERGE EGG.
LIVERIES roll out a red carpet.
LIVERY
Make way for the Tzar.
The door opens.
INT. MARYINSKY THEATRE
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
The orchestra WARMS UP. Ivan's father glances at Ivan's empty seat; he looks around worried.
AUDITORIUM
The chandelier descends to just above the seats. A white-wigged "snuff boy" lights it. The flame quickly encircles the chandelier (as it's supposed to). DAZZLING. The chandelier ascends to the ceiling.
BACKSTAGE
Opening night pandemonium.
Ivan stands in the wings, stage right. He clutches a ROSE. Dancers warm up on-stage. Dancers rub their slippers in a "rosin box."
Ivan spots Catherina in the wings, stage left.
IVAN
Catherina!
Catherina looks around.
Ivan waves the rose. She smiles at him. He navigates through the hubbub when
Boris SWOOPS on-stage. He blocks Ivan's way.
BORIS
Attention everyone.
Young ballerinas swoon around the studmuffin.
BORIS
I have to practice my--
He notices Ivan's rose.
BORIS
--for me?
Boris plucks it out of Ivan's hand.
BORIS
Too kind.
(a beat)
BORIS
My bow.
Boris does an elaborate, slow bow. The ballerinas coo.
BORIS
Magnificent. I am ready.
Boris throws the rose to the ballerinas. Ivan snatches it away.
IVAN
Catherina!
Ivan makes his way to Catherina. As he approaches, Anton lifts up Catherina by her waist. They LAUGH and embrace.
Ivan stares. Dejected, he places the rose in his pocket.
STAGE MANAGER walks on stage, CLAPPING his hands.
STAGE MANAGER
Places, everyone.
Dancers take their positions.
ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's Seat is empty, dad's still worried.
BACKSTAGE
Ivan panics.
IVAN
Ohmygod, I'll be late!
He runs past the lighting man at the "gas table," a complicated maze of pipes and valves that control the gaslights.
Pipes HISS as the lighting man turns the valves.
Lights flicker.
Ivan, stage left, cracks open the house curtain a tiny crack. House lights dim on the audience. A HUSH falls over the crowd.
He sees his empty seat in the orchestra pit.
IVAN
(to himself)
Father will kill me.
He looks at the spotlight booth, above the top tier of the auditorium.
SPOTLIGHT BOOTH
A workman inspects the Klieglight, checking the carbon rods. He dons heavy protective glasses and pulls down a large lever (like Dr. Frankenstein). Electricity arcs between the rods. Near white out.
SCREEN BLACK
BACKSTAGE
From Ivan's POV:
The SPOTLIGHT illuminates and follows Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky who steps onto the podium.
He bows then motions to the Tzar's BOX.
Still from Ivan's POV:
The spotlight "washes" TZAR ALEXANDER III in the royal gold and white BOX.
The Tzar wears a resplendent Hussar uniform with blazing decorations. The TZARINA is sumptuously attired in billowing white satin and diamond tiara.
Two large, uniformed COSSACK "LIFE GUARDS" stand behind the royal couple.
The Tzar and Tzarina smile to the crowd and whisper.
TZARINA
Did you arrest those roughnecks?
TZAR
You mean refuseniks.
TZARINA
Whatever.
TZAR
Yes, dear.
The Tzar STANDS,
UNSHEATHES his sword, and SALUTES the audience--the sword outstretched from his body.
The sword REFLECTS into Ivan's EYES. Ivan squints and backs away from the curtain.
AUDITORIUM
SPOT LIGHT OUT
BEGIN OVERTURE
The house is dark, footlights barely illuminate the orchestra.
BACK STAGE
OVERTURE in b.g.
Ivan hurries back to his seat. He runs, but gets lost among the endless maze of hallways.
AUDITORIUM
OVERTURE OUT
From ballet audience's POV:
The house curtain RISES.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
NOTE: ALL ON-STAGE SCENES TO ORIGINAL SCORE
BEGIN "LIGHTING OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE"
19th CENTURY DRAWING ROOM
Opulent, rose-colored. Brocaded furniture, tall candelabras, grandfather clock crowned with an owl.
Children FROLIC around a CHRISTMAS TREE. They TRIM the tree.
BACK STAGE
Music faintly in b.g.
Exasperated Ivan approaches a stairway, but stops abruptly when he hears an unerving, inhuman SQUEAL.
On the landing below, he sees Drosselmeier's MOUSE KING, the eight-foot, lederhosen-clad rodent.
INTERCUT Ivan's reaction.
Mouse King confronts Sergei in his SEVEN-HEADED MOUSE KING COSTUME. Mouse King ropes his tail around Sergei's neck. He DRAGS off the helpless Sergei.
MOUSE KING
(Cockney accent)
You won't be needin' a costume for where you're going.
Ivan overhears a SCUFFLE, muffled SCREAM, and BONES CRUNCHING.
MOUSE KING (O.S.)
Say "cheese."
Mouse King reappears. He PICKS his teeth with a BONE then BELCHES.
He HOLDS the seven-headed COSTUME against himself as if CLOTHES SHOPPING.
MOUSE KING
They don't carry anything like this at the Big and Tall Man's Shop.
HORRIFIED Ivan RACES back to the wings. Anton grabs him by the collar, mid-stride.
ANTON
You again!
IVAN
Wait a second--
ANTON
You should be ready to go on stage.
IVAN
Wait a second, let go--
Anton pushes him toward a door.
ANTON
Just put on your costume.
Ivan wheels around, facing Anton.
IVAN
(sputtering)
A mouse... uh, a humongous mouse just killed the Mouse King!
Ivan pulls Anton toward the stairway.
IVAN
Hurry, he'll escape.
Drosselmeier's Mouse King wears the "seven-headed" "MOUSE KING" costume. He WAVES at Stage Hand 1 from below.
ANTON
That's Sergei in his Mouse King costume, you doofus.
IVAN
No, no, that's not really Sergei. Sergei is just, just, mouse droppings by now. There's a real mouse under that costume. I'm not kidding!
ANTON
Look kid. Quit bugging me. I told you--wait! Oh, I get it, "mouse droppings." Here.
Anton hands Ivan a "WORKERS UNITE" flier. He bear hugs Ivan, kisses both cheeks.
ANTON
Welcome, comrade.
Anton exits. Ivan rolls his eyes, stuffs the flier in his pocket.
Ivan looks down the stairs. Mouse King has vanished.
ON-STAGE
CHRISTMAS TREE OUT
BEGIN THE "MARCH"
Children dance the famous march.
BACK STAGE
Music in b.g.
Ivan cautiously DESCENDS the stairway to investigate.
MUSIC OUT
He searches the subterranean labyrinth of dimly-lit, barrel-vaulted hallways. Crumbling plaster reveals wooden slats. Medieval wooden doors run along the sides, pipes run above.
He hears steam pipes HISS, water FLOW, wood CREAK.
BOILER ROOM
Drosselmeyer's giant MOUSE QUEEN wears her "Heidi" cuckoo clock outfit. She MUNCHES on a massive CHEESE WHEEL impaled on a giant sword.
Mouse King WIGGLES his claws/toes in front of a MIRROR, checking out the costume.
Both mice have COCKNEY ACCENTS.
MOUSE KING
How'd I look?
MOUSE QUEEN
Smashing. Simply smashing. Handsome as the day we was wed. Just like when you were a mere stripling of a mouse.
Mouse Queen HUGS the King, but her arms won't fit around his AMPLE BELLY.
MOUSE KING
I'm not going to be a cuckoo in Drosselmeier's clock no more. No siree. After we pull off this job we're gonna blow this joint. We's big enough now.
MOUSE QUEEN
But sweetie, we wouldn't be this big in the first place if not for ol' Drossie's magic.
MOUSE KING
We was tiny when he wanted us to be, and larger than life only for his own twisted purposes.
Mouse Queen CHOMPS on the cheese wheel.
MOUSE KING
And you'll be even larger eating that snack. You're gonna bust right out of that outfit of yours.
MOUSE QUEEN
That's good because I don't want to look like bloomin' Heidi anymore. Wait, I've got something special. Be back in a tick.
She exits.
Mouse King GRABS the cheese wheel. EATS from it.
Mouse Queen enters, RADIANT in her sparkling pink TUTU.
Cheese DROPS from his mouth.
MOUSE KING
Blimey! You look like a princess. A furry, fairy princess. Now I remember why I'm over-the-moon in love with you.
They rub noses and tickle each other's whiskers.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
BEGIN "ARRIVAL OF DROSSELMEIER"
LIGHTS DIM. The grandfather clock chimes, and owl flaps its wings. Drosselmeier enters to SINISTER, FRIGHTENING music. The footlighs flicker.
Drosselmeier presents gifts to the children. He OPENS two large, fancy gift boxes.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE puppets dance a comic pas de deux.
He opens third box. A "WIND-UP SOLDIER" does a lively, DIABOLICAL dance.
MUSIC OUT
BACK STAGE--BASEMENT HALLWAY
Ivan hears muffled voices behind a dwarf access door. He crouches down, gingerly turns the handle, slowly opens the door, and CRAWLS onto a
SUBTERRANEAN CATWALK
over the BOILER ROOM. He spies the activities below.
BOILER ROOM
Mouse Queen POURS two STEAMING drinks from a giant SAMOVAR.
MOUSE QUEEN
Here you go luvy, steamy hot vodka.
They hold up their glasses.
MOUSE KING
As soon as I kill Catherina, we'll lam it out of here and--
She stands on "POINTE."
MOUSE QUEEN
--and star in my own production of Swan Lake!
MOUSE KING
I'll drink to that.
They gulp the Vodka and throw their glasses into the furnace. He fills two new glasses.
MOUSE KING
And, I'll star in my own production of...
Mouse King YANKS the sword from the cheese wheel.
MOUSE KING
... the Sword in the cheese--uh, Stone. We'll sell the rights to Disney.
MOUSE QUEEN
They already have a mouse, Sweetie.
They laugh, down the vodka, smash the glasses and pour another round.
IVAN looks on, puzzled.
Song 3 "Human Beans"
SINGING
MOUSE KING
AND WHAT'S FOR DINNER, DEARIE?
MOUSE QUEEN
UH, HUMAN BEANS?
MOUSE KING
FIT FOR QUEENS.
MOUSE QUEEN
HOMO SAPIEN SOUFFLE?
MOUSE KING
OLÉ!
MOUSE QUEEN
PEOPLE PORRIDGE!
MOUSE KING
WAIT!
MOUSE QUEEN
WHAT'S WRONG?
MOUSE KING
BLIMEY, THAT'S HARD TO RHYME.
MOUSE QUEEN
OK, THAT'S FINE.
MOUSE KING
WELL DONE, WELL DONE.
They toast.
MOUSE KING
A TOAST TO CATHERINA.
MOUSE QUEEN
OR CATHERINA ON TOAST--DON'T FORGET THE RUSSIAN DRESSING.
MOUSE KING
A FINAL TRIBUTE TO HER FIRST--
MOUSE QUEEN
--AND LAST--
MOUSE KING
--PERFORMANCE.
MOUSE QUEEN
--PERFORMANCE.
SONG OUT
Ivan is AGHAST.
They LAUGH, SWILL the booze, and SMASH their glasses into the furnace.
CATWALK
Ivan scurries along the catwalk to the HALLWAY.
He runs wildly, finds a stairway and zooms up.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
RESUME MUSIC-IN-PROGRESS
Drosselmeier displays a TOY NUTCRACKER.
He presents it to Catherina. Her "brother" Fritz GRABS it away, STOMPS on it.
Drosselmeier repairs it with a SLING.
BACK STAGE--DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Ivan frantically READS NAMES off the dressing room DOORS:
"SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"
IVAN
(to himself)
Sugar Plum Fairy.
"CLARA"
IVAN
(to himself)
Clara.
Finally, a door marked
"NUTCRACKER"
Ivan BANGS on the door.
BORIS (O.S.)
Entre.
Ivan rushes in.
BORIS
Hey! You--
IVAN
--Listen, you may not believe this but there's going to be a murder on stage--I mean a real murder with Catherina as the Mouse King's victim--I don't mean Sergei the Mouse King, but a real Mouse King--I don't mean a real, real Mouse King but a mouse who is real and even larger than Sergei, really enormous--anyway Catherina, Clara, you know, what she is on stage, is going to be killed, and since you are the only other person on stage, you got to, got to, save her. Understand?
BORIS
(a beat)
You are crazy. Get out.
IVAN
No, no, believe me, it's true. I heard a plot being hatched by the Mouse King and his, his, I don't know what you'd call her, Mouse Queen.
BORIS
Mouse Queen? What Mouse Queen? There are no girlie mice in this ballet.
IVAN
That's what I'm saying. These rodents are for real! Drosselmeyer used magic to make them huge and they're going to murder--
BORIS
--Stop! Enough of this jibber jabber. Buzz off and don't--
IVAN
--You stuck up moron! I'm telling you that Catherina, your prima ballerina is in danger!
Boris grabs his "sword."
BORIS
And I'm telling you that this is make believe in your head. Dreams! Fantasy! Nothing is authentic. See? Nothing is real.
Boris points "sword" at Ivan.
BORIS
Even this weapon which you think can kill you. Look!
Boris pretends to stab Ivan and LAUGHS.
BORIS
It's fake. Like everything. Including your story. Now scramsky!
Boris pushes Ivan into the Hallway.
IVAN
(screaming)
I'll save her myself!
BOILER ROOM
BEGIN "PAS DE DUEX" [out of sequence]
Mouse King and Queen hear music, look around.
MOUSE QUEEN
Oh Mousikins, they're playing our song.
ZAFTIG Mouse Queen and DRUNKEN Mouse King dance and
BUNGLE
the famous, romantic grand pas de deux. He drops her during the final step, a "fish dive."
"PAS DE DUEX" OUT
MOUSE KING
Whoopsies.
MOUSE QUEEN
Are you all right, my mouse cavalier? You seem a bit tipsy.
Mouse Queen ADJUSTS his costume as if sending "hubby" off to work.
MOUSE KING
Tipsy, whipsy.
Natasha opens the door.
NATASHA
Are you ready?
Mouse King UNSHEATHES the sword, SMASHES it on the concrete wall. It POCK-MARKS the wall.
MOUSE KING
Ready enough, eh?
NATASHA
Ata boy. Now, as soon as you kill Catherina, you come straight back here.
MOUSE QUEEN
You sure they won't follow him?
NATASHA
I told you, my father will turn you back into tiny mice again so you can hide, at least for the time being. Got that?
MOUSE KING
I know. We be mini-mice for a spell. But tonight, I'm gonna be
(a beat)
a rat!
NATASHA
You're a soused mouse, alright.
Mouse King BELCHES. He CLIMBS the stairs with Natasha.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Boris exits his dressing room. He wears his red Nutcracker jacket and carries the Nutcracker "head piece." He sees what appears to be Sergei in his seven-headed mouse costume climb the stairs with Natasha.
Natasha hoists the tipsy Mouse King up the stairs. They stop at a landing. Boris is about to greet "Sergei" when...
MOUSE KING removes his seven-headed mask to wipe sweat off his brow with his paw.
NATASHA
Next time, lay off the schnapps.
Boris is shocked. He FAINTS.
NATASHA
(to Mouse King)
Quick, get to the wings.
Mouse King climbs the stairs, out of sight. Natasha kneels next to Boris. She slaps his face to wake him.
NATASHA
Boris, Boris, wake up!
He opens his eyes.
BORIS
A monster mouse! I'm scared.
He holds Natasha quivering.
NATASHA
There, there. The bad mouse is gone. He's already in the wings. He can't hurt you.
BORIS
OK, mommy--hey, wait a second!
He leaps up with bravado.
BORIS
What do you mean "in the wings?" He's going on stage!?
NATASHA
Um. Listen, you've got to get ready and I've got to go--
She dashes for a dressing room marked "CLARA." She enters, but Boris prevents her from shutting the door. He barges in.
DRESSING ROOM
BORIS
--That annoying kid with the cockamamie story was right.
NATASHA
Kid? What kid? Look, I can explain--
BORIS
--I saw you, I saw you with my own eyes with that, that giant mal à propos with whiskers! What's going on? Tell me!
NATASHA
He's Sergei's uh, um, understudy.
BORIS
You think you can pee down my leg and make me believe it's snow?
NATASHA
And I'm going on for Catherina.
BORIS
You? They wouldn't have you deliver coffee on stage, much less dance. Tell me the truth, or I see to it that the only role you'll ever get is a bialy. In fact, I'm going to Petipa right now--
NATASHA
--Wait! I'll tell you the whole story.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
The door marked "NUTCRACKER" is open. Ivan looks down the hallway, ducks in.
NUTCRACKER DRESSING ROOM
Ivan rifles through several costumes. He DONS a red Hussar jacket and matching pants.
He grabs the fake sword and knocks the broadside against his fist. He shakes his head.
IVAN
This is hopeless.
Ivan notices the TZAR's PORTRAIT in the mirror; it's on the opposite wall. He turns to look at it.
FLASHBACK
ALEXANDER III SALUTES with his
GLISTENING Sword.
IVAN
Of course, the Tzar's sword!
END FLASHBACK
Ivan quickly tosses the fake sword.
BACK TO CLARA'S DRESSING ROOM
BORIS
Such a greedy girl. And so lucky to have your papa Drosselmeyer take orders from you. But, you see, I'm not your father.
NATASHA
If you keep our secret, you'll be rewarded.
BORIS
What's in it for me?
NATASHA
Money?
BORIS
Nyet. Mother and I have plenty to live on.
NATASHA
Love?
BORIS
My fans already worship me.
He adjusts his hair in the mirror.
BORIS
Got anything else? You mean to tell me that your papa won't share any of his malevolent magic with me? No?
NATASHA
I, I don't know what he could--
He opens the door.
BORIS
I'm sure Balletmaster Petipa will find your little scheme very amusing. Dasvidanya.
NATASHA
I got it! Youth.
BORIS
What are you talking about?
NATASHA
Eternal youth.
BORIS
I'm already young.
NATASHA
But not forever.
He slowly shuts the door.
BORIS
Continue.
NATASHA
To always dance in your prime.
BORIS
It's tempting...
NATASHA
To be the world's greatest dancer for all time.
She turns him in front of the mirror.
NATASHA
Just think. Never getting old, but keeping your strong chest, those muscular arms, and your firm...
She turns him sideways to the mirror.
BORIS
tushski?
NATASHA
Yes, especially that. Why people will behold you as a...
BORIS
God!
NATASHA
Whatever.
BORIS
I'm making a deal with the devil. And what a pretty beelzebub it is.
Boris grabs her toward him.
BORIS
C'mere!
NATASHA
Hey!
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Ivan exits the Nutcracker dressing room. He hears a COMMOTION from Clara's dressing room and runs to the door.
He notices the two thick metal loops outside the door, one attached to the door and one to the door jam. They can be used to lock the door from the outside, using a thick chain, etc.
He pulls on the inner loop attached to the door and surreptitiously opens the door just enough to look inside. Boris chases Natasha around a divan.
Ivan spies on them.
NATASHA
Boris, you have to get on stage!
BORIS
You little she-devil.
NATASHA
You'll ruin everything!
Boris lunges at her. They tussle on the divan. He TOSSES his head mask on the floor.
Ivan sneaks in,
SCOOPS up the MASK, but Boris CATCHES sight of him.
BORIS
You little squirt, come back here!
Ivan sees the sword, GRABS it and bolts, Boris in hot pursuit.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Ivan SLAMS shut the door, RAMS the sword through the metal loops.
BANGING on the door.
BORIS AND NATASHA (V.O.)
Somebody! Open the door! Let us out!
ON STAGE - DRAWING ROOM - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
"DEPARTURE OF THE GUESTS" LAST FEW BARS
The "guests" leave.
DEPARTURE OUT; BEGIN "BEDTIME"
Lights dim.
Catherina (as Clara) sneaks into the living room, finds the toy nutcracker on its "bed," holds it like a baby, and falls asleep on the couch, Nutcracker in her arms.
Her "mother" finds her sleeping, but instead of waking her up, she places her shawl over Catherina.
AUDITORIUM
Behind the drowsy Tzar and riveted Tzarina, the Cossack Life Guards flirt with two coquettes in an adjoining box.
One of the women motions to rendeznous in the corridor.
BEGIN "THE MAGIC SPELL"
AUDITORIUM
The Tzar sleeps.
MEZZANINE CORRIDOR--NEAR THE TZAR'S BOX
Opulent--Crystal chandeliers, plush carpet, pastel colored walls.
Ivan, dressed in the Nutcracker uniform and the head mask in-hand, walks along the corridor. He's heading toward...
The Cossacks who drink heavily from a flask and FLIRT with the young women.
Ivan turns the corner, almost bumping into them. He's shocked. The Cossacks look to him. He quickly dons the mask; they never see his face.
COSSACK 1
Boris, right?
IVAN
(clearing his throat)
Uh, yes.
Cossack 1 proudly turns to the young ladies.
COSSACK 1
They all know me.
IVAN
I've come to pay my respects to the Tzar.
The Cossacks nod and let him past. They return to their flirtations and heavy drinking. Ivan stops at a black curtain under the heraldic black TWO-HEADED EAGLE.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Catherina "SLEEPS" on the couch.
Drosselmeyer LIFTS the Toy Nutcracker, REMOVES the sling, and REPAIRS it with a screwdriver.
He places a "SPELL" over Catherina, TUCKS the Toy Nutcracker under her arm, and exits.
MEZZANINE CORRIDOR--Just outside the Tzar's box.
Ivan SNEAKS in, crawling on all fours.
IMPERIAL BOX - DARK
The Tzar SNOOZES. Ivan stealthily unsheathes the Tzar's sword as the TZARINA views the ballet through opera glasses.
She watches Catherina on-stage.
TZARINA
What a darling ballerina that girl is.
IVAN
(low, muffled)
Yes, yes dear.
The Tzarina reaches for the Tzar's hand. Ivan gingerly moves the Tzar's hand into her's.
He finishes removing the sword, but the political flyer from Anton is nearly dislodged, it hangs from his pocket.
Ivan SLITHERS out.
MEZZANINE CORRIDOR
Ivan, the flyer hanging out of his pocket, must pass by the Cossacks (and the young ladies) to escape. They nod as he passes, but brushes against one of the ruffled dresses, dislodging the flyer.
COSSACK 1
Wait, you dropped this.
While he hands it to Ivan, he realizes its contents.
COSSACK 1
Not so fast!
(to Cossack 2)
Get the Tzar.
COSSACK 2
But he's sleeping.
COSSACK 1
(to Ivan)
So Boris, you are a refusenik, no?
Ivan kicks him in the shins and pushes over Cossack 2. He runs like hell. They chase after him.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
CRIES for help.
Dancers overhear Natasha and Boris. They remove the sword from the door hardware.
Natasha and Boris SCRAMBLE out.
NATASHA
Where is he? Where is that brat?
BORIS
I'll destroy him!
CUT TO:
IVAN
in costume, DASHES to the wings.
CUT TO:
Natasha and Boris RACE to the wings.
IN THE WINGS
Natasha and Boris STOP SHORT, out of breath.
BORIS
You take stage right, I'll take left.
They ZOOM off separately.
Drosselmeyer STOPS Natasha.
DROSSELMEYER
Natasha, you're not supposed to be here yet, someone will see you. What are you doing?
NATASHA
Downstairs! I was locked in... in, in the dressing room with Boris--
DROSSELMEYER
--Boris, again!
NATASHA
No, no, listen to me. This kid stole Boris's head mask--
DROSSELMEYER
--You're losing your head, Natasha. Now calm down! You're supposed to keep your mind on the ballet, remember?
NATASHA
But, but Papa--
DROSSELMEYER
--After the Mouse King kills Catherina, you go on stage. Now behave!
Drosselmeyer dashes back on stage.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Catherina "AWAKES" with a START to see Drosselmeyer ON TOP of the clock, FLAPPING his cloak like wings. He turns the hands to MIDNIGHT and MOTIONS to
SCURRYING, adult-size "MICE." Catherina jumps off the couch. The "mice" exit.
Catherina "SHIVERS" in her nightgown. She cradles the Toy Nutcracker, then is "STARTLED" when the
CHRISTMAS TREE
"grows." She places the Toy Nutcracker in its
MINIATURE BED.
"THE MAGIC SPELL" OUT
BEGIN "THE BATTLE"
Catherina reviews the troops. "Soldiers" muster in b.g. The tree "GROWS" to 50 feet.
The Toy Nutcracker (on his miniature bed) WHISKS off stage.
IN THE WINGS
A STAGE HAND waves Ivan along.
STAGEHAND
(to Ivan)
C'mon, c'mon! You'll miss your cue.
Ivan, still wearing the Nutcracker costume, DIVES on to a full-size version of the MINIATURE BED.
Boris LUNGES at him, but misses. He falls on Drosselmeyer, knocking him over.
Then Ivan, lying on the bed, WHISKS...
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
... on-stage.
Ivan plays the NUTCRACKER.
He SPRINGS to attention. LEADS "Hussar" soldiers into battle against the giant "mice," and
SWORD FIGHTS the tipsy Mouse King.
IN THE WINGS
AMAZED REACTIONS from Drosselmeyer, Natasha and Boris.
BORIS
That little twerp. He's stealing my part.
NATASHA
That rotten kid. He's ruining my plans.
DROSSELMEYER
That horrible bully. He might hurt my mousikin.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Mouse King KNOCKS down Ivan and RAISES his sword, but Catherina THROWS a slipper. It HITS the King's back.
Mouse King SPINS around, CHARGES toward Catherina, and LIFTS his sword. She "FAINTS."
Ivan IMPALES (for real) Mouse King with the TZAR'S SWORD.
The Mouse King FALLS.
Ivan CUTS OFF his crown and DISPLAYS it triumphantly.
Surviving "mice" "COWER." They DRAG Mouse King off stage.
"THE BATTLE" OUT
IN THE WINGS
DROSSELMEYER
(to Boris and Natasha)
I must check on my mousikins.
Drosselmeyer exits.
BOILER ROOM
The wounded Mouse King STAGGERS in. He still wears the seven-headed costume.
MOUSE QUEEN
Was the dastardly deed done, dearie?
He throws his arms around her.
MOUSE QUEEN
My, aren't we the romantic rodent!
She sees blood on one of the "heads".
MOUSE QUEEN
Hold on a bit. You've got blood on one of your heads.
She wipes it off while holding him up.
He FALLS. She removes the mask--he's unconscious, but still breathing. His toes twitch.
She SCREAMS.
Drosselmeyer enters.
MOUSE QUEEN
(to Drosselmeyer)
The King is dead!
ON STAGE--BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Ivan goes to "fainted" Catherina's bedside. He NOTICES the audience. TERRIFIED, he RUNS off stage.
IN THE WINGS
Ivan stops short. He's startled to see Natasha and Boris.
They LUNGE at him, but MISS. He BOLTS back on stage.
ON STAGE
PINE FOREST SET
BEGIN "JOURNEY THROUGH SNOW"
Ivan rejoins "fainted" Catherina.
IN THE WINGS
Balletmaster Petipa approaches the wing where Boris and Natasha stand.
BORIS
(to himself)
Oh boy! Here comes Petipa. I'm going to be shish kebob.
A sweaty dancer playing a TOY SOLDIER also watches the ballet. He removes his jacket and hat.
NATASHA
(to toy soldier)
Give me your costume, quick!
Toy soldier resists, but Natasha suggestively WINKS at him. He very slowly hands over the costume when...
Natasha impatiently yanks it away. He walks away shaking his head.
NATASHA
(to Boris)
Quick, put this on.
Natasha helps Boris don the outfit.
NATASHA
Just keep your head down.
He lowers his head.
She DARTS away.
Petipa stops next to Boris to watch the ballet, not realizing it's Boris.
Petipa puts his arm around Boris whose head is tucked down. Petipa watches the Nutcracker (Ivan) on-stage.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Ah, Boris Shlamealsky's performance of the Nutcracker is magnifique, non?
Boris gives a MUFFLED approval, nodding his head.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
All those years of training and hard work as my protege have been worth it. And someday, you too, my boy, will shine in the limelight.
Petipa pats Boris on the back.
Nutcracker (Ivan) finishes his number when...
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Look at that. Nothing this boy could do would surprise me.
... he FLINGS OFF the Nutcracker costume and sword, and reveals himself, now the handsome prince who returns in ACT II. (As in the original choreography).
IN THE WINGS
The flying costume knocks off Boris's hat.
BORIS
Glorioski!
ORCHESTRA PIT
The Tzar's sword flies past Ivan's dad. It slices his violin string (TWANG) and impales the wooden floor. Dad looks up at the stage. He's shocked to see Ivan.
IN THE WINGS
Petipa does a double take at Boris and Ivan.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
(sputtering to Boris)
You, you, you, you... baboon!
He THROTTLES Boris.
BORIS
But, but, but--
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
--You have humiliated me! I gave you my trust, my art, my genius and here I see you not on stage, but--but-- kibitzing!
BORIS
I, I, I--
Petipa DRAGS Boris off by his EAR.
ORCHESTRA PIT
Natasha stealthily snatches the Tzar's sword.
EXT. MARYINSKY THEATRE - STAGE DOOR
Petipa THROWS Boris outside.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
You are a disgrace to the profession. Be gone!
Petipa pushes him down an ice-encrusted stairway and into a SNOW BANK, face down.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Amateur!
Brief pause, then
NATASHA (O.S.)
Good night, sweet prince.
Boris rolls over, a coat LANDS on his face.
He removes the coat to see Natasha WAVING the Tzar's sword.
His snow-encrusted face makes him look older beyond his years.
NATASHA
Too-da-loo!
Cossack horsemen surround Boris.
COSSACK CAPTAIN
Seize him.
(to Boris)
Where's the Tzar's sword?
Natasha quickly hides the sword behind her and scrambles inside, leaving the door slightly AJAR.
A stray CAT wanders in.
INT. MARYINSKY THEATRE
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Ivan KISSES "fainted" Catherina's hand. She "awakes," SHOCKED to see Ivan. He places the Mouse King's crown on her head.
IVAN
(stage whisper)
Shhh. I'll explain later.
"JOURNEY THROUGH SNOW" OUT
BOILER ROOM
Mouse Queen's LIVID at Drosselmeyer. She CORNERS him.
MOUSE QUEEN
You killed my sweetie!
DROSSELMEYER
No, it was that cursed boy!
She LIFTS the snow globe to KILL him with it.
DROSSELMEYER
Wait! You need my help.
MOUSE QUEEN
In a pig's eye!
DROSSELMEYER
Smash that and you'll destroy my magical powers.
MOUSE QUEEN
Yeah?
She LOWERS the snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
Well, ducky, I'm the mouse with the magic now.
He tries to grab it, she pulls it away.
DROSSELMEYER
Give that back, you rabid rodent.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
KINGDOM OF SNOW
BEGIN "WALTZ OF THE SNOWFLAKES"
A winter wonderland of fir trees with snow garlands.
Ivan and Catherina walk hand-in-hand to stage rear, their backs to the audience.
Snowflake "FAIRIES" dance in white tutus and snowball coronets.
It gently "snows" paper snow.
Above-stage, two stagehands use ropes to rock the "snow cradle." Paper snow falls from the net-like cradle.
CATHERINA
(stage whispers)
What's going on? And where's Boris? He's supposed to play the Nutcracker, not you! And who are you anyway? Get your hands off me.
IVAN
Catherina, it's too complicated to explain. Just trust me.
CATHERINA
Trust you? First, you knock me over. Then you ruin the ballet.
IVAN
You called me your galant.
CATHERINA
Well, now I think you're a nut. I'm glad we're going off-stage.
She heads toward the wings. Ivan pulls her away.
IVAN
No! You can't leave.
CATHERINA
What is your problem?
IVAN
Look, they're trying to kill you.
CATHERINA
Who?
IVAN
Natasha, Drosselmeyer and the Mouse King.
CATHERINA
Are you out of your mind?
IVAN
We have to stay here. Listen to me! Your life is in danger! I'm trying to save you!
BOILER ROOM
Mouse Queen and Drosselmeyer continue their "TUG-OF-WAR" over snow globe. They VIOLENTLY SHAKE the "snow" inside.
DISSOLVE TO:
BACK ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
REAL SNOW falls from above. Ballerinas shiver as they dance the truly wintery waltz.
ABOVE-STAGE CATWALKS
Stagehands casually rotate the "snow cradle" as if nothing unusual is happening.
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
CATHERINA
(stage whisper)
You lunatic!
Ballerinas swirl/interweave in a supernatural real-life blizzard--a Siberian BUSBY BERKELEY spectacle. Their teeth CHATTER.
Ivan and Catherina huddle in the cold.
CATHERINA
Here we are in the middle of the ballet, in my first big role, and I'm... I'm...
MUSIC QUICKENS
Dancers go FASTER, AND FASTER to the music. Ivan and Catherina SHIVER in b.g.
CATHERINA
...freezing!
MATCH CUT:
BOILER ROOM
The on-stage scene is distorted inside the SNOW GLOBE.
"SNOW" swirls inside the snow globe as the FIGHT ESCALATES between Mouse Queen and Drosselmeyer.
ABOVE-STAGE CATWALKS
Anton climbs to the "snow cradle." He looks down at the stage, concerned.
ANTON
(to stagehands)
What are you guys doing?
STAGEHAND
Nothing!
ANTON
The dancers are freezing their butts off.
STAGEHAND
Look.
Stagehand scoops up paper confetti. He hands it to Anton.
ANTON
I don't get it. The paper is turning to snow.
BACK ON-STAGE AND IN ORCHESTRA PIT
WET SNOWFLAKES blow into the pit and MELT the printed notes on Tchaikovsky's SHEET MUSIC.
Tchaikovsky picks up the tempo. Musicians play faster and faster.
BOILER ROOM
Drosselmeyer and Mouse Queen TUG-OF-WAR over the snow globe. The ceiling bows and leaks from the on-stage snow.
Natasha enters, sword in hand.
DROSSELMEYER
Natasha, help me with this meshugenuh mouse.
MOUSE QUEEN
Listen darlin', your dad's an old geezer. He's mucked up your dreams of dancin' in the ballet. He's over the hill. Stick with me, girlie, and I can make your dreams come true.
Natasha looks from one to the other.
NATASHA
Tough luck, pop!
She YANKS on Mouse Queen's tail, pulling the snow globe away from Drosselmeyer. He FALLS. Mouse Queens grabs the sword from Natasha and holds Drosselmeyer at sword point.
MOUSE QUEEN
Natasha...
Mouse Queen looks up to the stage-rear TRAPS. They leak and creak.
MOUSE QUEEN
We're expecting company.
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Tchaikovsky brings the fast-paced music to a FINALE. He scribles notes with his left hand, conducts with the right.
"WALTZ OF THE SNOW FLAKES" OUT
AUDITORIUM
CURTAIN FALLS to THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
House lights illuminate the auditorium.
Tchaikovsky crosses out some old music and writes down some new notes.
TCHAIKOVSKY
That wasn't half bad.
SUPER: "INTERMISSION"
The Tzarina POKES the sleeping Tzar with her FAN. He awakes with a START, instinctively reaches for his sword. It's GONE.
He JUMPS UP and SUMMONS his Cossacks. After an animated discussion, the Tzar EXPLODES.
TZAR ALEXANDER III
Find my sword you fools!
The ASTONISHED audience becomes SILENT and LOOKS up at the box.
ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's Dad quickly exits, looking for Ivan.
ON-STAGE - INTERMISSION
Stagehands sweep/shovel snow into the fly gallery, stage right.
Ivan and Catherina shiver behind the closed house curtain.
CATHERINA
I'm wet. And I'm freezing.
IVAN
Catherina, I can explain--
Anton calls from the catwalk.
ANTON
--Catherina!
Ivan reaches for her arm. She pulls away.
CATHERINA
--No, don't touch me!
Anton witnesses the argument and climbs down a ladder mounted to the wall, stage right.
IVAN
Please believe me. Let's get out of here.
Stagehands sweep snow into piles.
INTERCUT IVAN'S DAD HEADING TO STAGE
BACK ON EMPTY STAGE
CATHERINA
I don't plan to go anywhere with you. Over two thousand people are expecting me back on stage, and I've got to change out of these dripping clothes, so if you'll excuse me--
They fall through a trap door.
IVAN AND CATHERINA
Whoa!
TRAP ROOM--MECHANICAL FLOOR
Ivan and Catherina fall to the floor then rise.
Mouse Queen, dressed in a black tutu and black veil, holds them at sword point with the Tzar's sword. They are pressed against the wall.
MOUSE QUEEN
Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
ON-STAGE - INTERMISSION
Anton reaches the stage just after the trap door closes. He looks around but can't find them.
Ivan's Dad simultaneously enters the stage, just missing them.
IVAN'S DAD
Ivan, where are you?
ANTON
Catherina, where'd you go?
Stagehands "fly" Act II props in place, including 12 foot tall CANDY CANES along the wing curtains. Balletmaster Petipa frantically runs on-stage, slipping on the snow.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
(to stagehands)
My stars! I've lost my stars. My Clara and Nutcracker have disappeared. Poof! Maybe they've vanished under this snow.
He's unsteady on the slippery snow.
FATHER
You! It's all your fault that my son was on this--
Father grabs on to Petipa for balance.
FATHER
--cockamamie stage.
Father slips on the snow.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Your son? Why he's a genius. He's got to go back on stage for the second act.
ANTON
(to Petipa)
And what about Catherina? She was freezing like an icicle. Little you care.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Now, now Anton. I understand your concern. Of course I'm worried about her, too.
Petipa puts his arms around Anton.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Because I need her--
Petipa shakes Anton.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
--for the second act!
Anton takes father aside.
ANTON
(to Father)
Listen comrade. Your son shouldn't be wasting his talents on stage. He's got the guts for politics. Trust me brother.
FATHER
Politics! Ballet! Rubbish! He's a musician!
Father exits and slips on his ass.
We hear a harsh BANGING.
BOILER ROOM
Redecorated to resemble an Old Bailey court room. Mouse Queen wears a white powered wig, and crimson and ermine judicial robe.
Mouse Queen POUNDS the the sword as if it were a gavel.
MOUSE QUEEN
Silence!
A HUSH falls of the minions of small mice.
MOUSE QUEEN
Allow me to introduce myself, dearies. I am the Mouse Queen. Widow of Mouse King--
IVAN
(whispering to Catherina)
--You thought I was crazy!--
MOUSE QUEEN
--that sterling man of a mouse who you--
Mouse Queen POKES Ivan with the sword.
MOUSE QUEEN
--murdered!
IVAN
I had to! He was going to kill Catherina.
MOUSE QUEEN
Yes, we had it all planned it to a "T" Me, Drosselmeyer and Natasha here.
CATHERINA
Natasha... did you really want to--I mean, actually, want to kill--
NATASHA
--Yes! Yes I did. You stole my part! I deserved it. Why, my daddy said--
DROSSELMEYER (O.S.)
--Cuckoo.
A MINIATURE Drosselmeyer
POPS OUT of a CUCKOO CLOCK.
DROSSELMEYER
Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
MOUSE QUEEN
Don't he look dainty, your daddy?
Natasha and Mouse Queen GIGGLE. Ivan and Catherina are HORRIFIED. They RUN, but Mouse Queen STOPS them.
MOUSE QUEEN
Uh, uh, uh... thought you'd scurry away, eh? Restrain the prisoners. Check the equipment.
A black-masked, black uniformed EXECUTIONER wheels in two giant mousetraps. The exeuctioner has furry feet like a large mouse; he seems to be bleeding.
He pulls back the metal and locks the spring mechanism, then throws the wooden Nutcracker costume on the trap. The metal SWISHES through the air, decapitating the costume.
The EXECUTIONER resets the trap, fastens Ivan and Catherina to their respective guillotines; their heads in harm's way, their feet on the spring (where cheese would ordinarily go).
Mouse Queen WHISTLES. A swarm of mice enter as she exits. They are seated, twelve of them in a Jurors' Box.
"Judge" Mouse Queen officiates from the elaborate "bench."
The Court CLERK, a squeaky-voiced mouse, officiates.
CLERK
Oy vey! Oy vey! Queen's Bench now in session.
MOUSE QUEEN
Ivan, you are charged with one count of murder in that on this night you, with malice aforethought, did kill the Mouse--
She SOBS, using her wig as a hanky and blows her nose into it.
MOUSE QUEEN
That you did kill the Mouse King. How do you plead?
IVAN
It was self defense.
MOUSE QUEEN
Such insolence! If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.
She looks to Catherina.
MOUSE QUEEN
Catherina, you are charged with assault and pepper in that you threw your slipper and struck the Mouse King in the back.
CATHERINA
Not guilty.
MOUSE QUEEN
Rats! The execution will have to wait until after the trial. Is the prosecution ready?
NATASHA
Yes, your mouseyness. Ivan claims self defense, but at the time of his death, Mouse King was running in the opposite direction. He was stabbed in the back, like so.
Natasha pantomimes Mouse King's death.
IVAN
No!
MOUSE QUEEN
The prisoner is to be gagged.
Executioner gags Ivan.
MOUSE QUEEN
Does the prisoner have anything to say in his defense?
Muffled MOANS.
MOUSE QUEEN
I thought so. Now, on to the girl.
NATASHA
Your mouseyness, the slipper attack was unprovoked. At no point prior to the slipper being thrown did Mouse King threaten or attack Catherina.
Natasha pantomimes the "slipper attack."
NATASHA
It was Mouse King, and not Ivan, who acted in self-defense. Futhermore, the slipper in question is a toe-slipper, the kind with a steel toe, like so.
Natasha shatters a mirror with the ballet slipper. The jurors cower.
MOUSE QUEEN
Are you saying she used a deadly weapon?
NATASHA
Yes, your mouseyness.
The lights flash.
MOUSE QUEEN
Intermission is almost over. I will need to take this matter under advisement. Court adjourned.
CLERK
All rise.
The mice jury files out--
CLERK
--OK, everybody pile back in. Court is in session, all rise.
The mice jurors scurry back to their seats.
MOUSE QUEEN
After giving lengthy consideration to this matter which you
She gestures to Natasha.
MOUSE QUEEN
described so eloquently for our benefit--
The mice APPLAUD.
MOUSE QUEEN
I instruct the jury to find the defendants guilty as charged.
Song #4 "QUEEN'S COURT"
MOUSE QUEEN
(singing)
YO, LISTEN TO ME JURY
'COZ I'M IN A FURY
OVER THIS HERE CRIME
WHICH AIN'T NO NURSERY RHYME
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BALLET
WASN'T NO HEARSAY
BUT PREMEDITATED, COLLABORATED
CAPITAL OFFENSE
The executioner, now disc jockey, "scratches" a cylindrical, Edison-type "record" on an ancient phonograph with a large conical loud speaker. SWISH, SWISH.
MOUSE QUEEN
(singing)
NOW I'LL ADMIT
THAT YOU GOTTA ACQUIT
IF THE ALIBI SOUNDS LIKE A LULLABY
'CEPT THE DUDE'S SELF DEFENSE
IS JUST CONNIVANCE
AND WAY TOO SANCTIMONIOUS
FOR BEING SO FELONIOUS
She's groov'n to the music.
MOUSE QUEEN
Dig-it!
(singing)
CHECK OUT HIS PLEAD
FOR HIS BAD-ASS DEED
DON'T FALL FOR SMOOTH JARGON
HE WANTS A PLEA BARGAIN
'COZ IF HIS STORY DID JIVE
MOUSE KING'D BE ALIVE
AND MY COOL JUDICIAL WRIT
WOULD STAMP IT ALL LEGIT
AND HIS SORRY BUTT WOULD BE BACK IN THE ORCHESTRA PIT!
(speaking)
Sentence to be carried out at midnight tonight.
AUDITORIUM
Lights flicker, patrons return to their seats.
BACK TO "COURT ROOM"
Mouse Queen SQUEAKS as she holds the saber high over Ivan, then thrusts it down to impale the wooden trap; the sword vibrates back and forth.
The Cat (from the stage door)SLIPS into the room.
IVAN
You're insane, both of you. Somebody will find out and you'll be punished!
MOUSE QUEEN
Well, until then I shall have my revenge. Enough of this fiddle-faddle.
NATASHA
From now on, I'll get the--ah-choo--plum parts. I'll be the prima--ah-choo--ballerina. Ah-choo, ah-choo.
MOUSE QUEEN
What's the matter with you, girlie? You allergic to mice? Ha, ha, ha.
NATASHA
No, cats!
The cat JUMPS on a table.
MOUSE QUEEN
Cats!!!
All the mice scurry.
INTERCUT THE ESCAPE
Ivan gingerly wiggles out of his restraints. The trap CREEKS, but doesn't deploy.
The terrified Mouse Queen RUNS to a tiny MOUSE HOLE.
Ivan uses his own leather shackles to fasten Catherina's trap in the open or "safe" position. The leather strains under pressure as Catherina is freed.
Mouse Queen PUSHES her face up against the mouse hole, her royal RUMP high in the air. The cat CLAWS at her tail.
MOUSE QUEEN
Blimey, it's too small!
Natasha SNEEZES and SNEEZES.
Ivan GRABS Catherina's hand. They RUN up a flight of stairs, but are TRAPPED by a locked door at the top. Ivan TUGS at the door. Catherina sees an
AIR VENT; it leads across the top of the "Court Room."
CATHERINA
Look! We can escape through here!
IVAN
But look. It goes over the Mouse Queen.
CATHERINA
We have no choice. It's the only way.
Catherina PULLS open the grate. Ivan CLIMBS up and helps her in.
AUDITORIUM
SCREEN BLACK
The house curtain rises for ACT II.
BEGIN "THE MAGIC CASTLE"
ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
The audience OOOHS and AHHHS at the EXTRAVAGANT and BRILLIANT Viennese-style confectionery architecture, 12-FOOT CANDY CANES, etc.
The SUGAR PLUM FAIRY directs her CHERUBS who glide in circles.
"MAGIC CASTLE" OUT
BEGIN "DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"
Sugar Plum dances to the famous "celesta" (tuned steel bars) music.
IN THE AIR VENT
Ivan and Catherina crawl over the "Court Room." Through a tiny grate, Ivan sees Natasha TUG at Mouse Queen's RUMP. Her nose POPS out of the mouse hole.
Ivan and Catherina are motionless. Mouse Queen and Natasha are directly below them.
MOUSE QUEEN
Where are they?
NATASHA
I don't know. I was busy tugging on you.
MOUSE QUEEN
Blasted cat!
NATASHA
I should have been more careful.
MOUSE QUEEN
What?
NATASHA
When I went out, I must have left the door opened and let the cat in--oops.
MOUSE QUEEN
Fool!
Mouse Queen picks up the snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
It's all your fault! You were behind everything. The King would still be alive if you--
Mouse Queen trembles with anger. She sees Natasha's image in the Snow Globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
If--
She shakes the snow globe. Natasha transforms into a miniature, but hideous Nutcracker puppet.
Catherina GASPS. Ivan holds his hand over her mouth. Natasha tries desperately to remove the mask, but it's now part of her. As she runs away screaming...
POOF, she is in the cuckoo clock next to the miniature Drosselmeyer.
NATASHA
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Mouse Queen peers into snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
(to herself)
Now for that boy and the girl.
INSIDE THE SNOW GLOBE
Mouse Queen sees the kids' images crouching in the air vent. Ivan's HAND reaches closer and closer.
BACK TO SCENE
Mouse Queen shakes the globe, the hand grows enormous inside the snow globe. The hand
GRABS the snow globe from Mouse Queen.
She spins around to see Ivan's hand pull the snow globe into the air vent. The grate is quickly replaced.
Mouse Queen bangs on the grate, then runs underneath the vent looking for an entrance.
She can't squeeze into the entrance used by Ivan and Catherina.
INSIDE THE AIRVENT
Ivan and Catherina quickly CRAWL to escape. They see Mouse Queen through tiny grates. She tracks their progress, sword-in-hand.
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Sugar Plum finishes her dance.
"DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" OUT
BEGIN "CLARA AND THE PRINCE"
Sugar Plum ASSEMBLES her retinue. Each group does a warm-up DANCE.
IN THE AIR VENT
Mouse Queen's paw smashes through a grate. She claws at Catherina's foot, but can't maintain her grip. Catherina loses a ballet slipper to Mouse Queen.
Ivan spots a large metal grate just ahead.
It overlooks the top of a a giant CANDY CANE. Catherina hears the music in b.g.
CATHERINA
This is our entrance.
Ivan bangs out the grate.
IN THE WINGS
They
SLIDE
down
the candy cane, into a BOAT. It
LURCHES on stage...
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
ON CUE, they rejoin the ballet. The boat GLIDES to center stage.
Sugar Plum waves her wand over Ivan.
Ivan PANTOMIMES his "battle" with Mouse King per original score.
Mouse Queen PEERS out from a stage floor TRAP DOOR (stage rear).
MOUSE QUEEN
Little show off! The cheeky monkey.
Sugar Plum WAVES her wand. A
"THRONE"
glides stage-rear, directly above the TRAP DOOR. The "throne" is a miniature room.
Ivan and Catherina SIT on the throne. Sugar Plum DRAWS a VEIL. They are BARELY VISIBLE to the ballet audience.
The cast exits except "SPANISH" dancers.
BEGIN "HOT CHOCOLATE: SPANISH DANCE"
Ivan and Catherine watch the ballet, a SPARKLING Spanish bolero.
Mouse Queen (in Spanish dancer costume), OPENS the trap door and CLAWS up at the kids.
Ivan and Catherine's FEET move IN SYNC with the bolero--just beyond the GRASPING Mouse Queen.
"SPANISH DANCE" OUT
BEGIN "ARABIAN DANCE" (COFFEE)
ARABESQUE dancer does her slow, sinuous number in an "I DREAM OF GENIE" outfit.
She smokes from a "HOOKAH" pipe.
MECHANICAL FLOOR
Arabesque-dressed Mouse Queen awkwardly DANCES.
INTERCUT AS NEEDED
Mouse Queen INHALES from a large hookah pipe. She
BLOWS SMOKE toward the kids.
MOUSE QUEEN (O.S.)
Nightie night.
SMOKE WAFTS
into the "throne" room. The kids YAWN.
The smoke INTOXICATES Mouse Queen too. She TRIPS over her own ballet slippers.
Mouse Queen BLOWS more smoke. Catherina's head
FALLS
on Ivan's shoulder. She sleeps.
"COFFEE--ARABIAN DANCE" OUT
He DOZES but
BEGIN "TEA: CHINESE DANCE"
AWAKES
with a START to the glockenspiel music. He WAVES away the smoke IN SYNC with the staccato TUG-OF-WAR theme.
INTERCUT "Chinese" dancers.
Ivan PULLS open the veil slightly, deeply INHALES fresh air, then gives Catherina MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation.
"CHINESE DANCE" OUT
BEGIN "TREPAK: CANDY CANE"
Catherina AWAKES with a START to the spirited Russian Trepak. She
SLAPS
Ivan's face.
Trepak dancers LEAP through candy cane hula hoops.
A sword
RIPS
through the throne room's back curtain.
Mouse Queen JABS at the kids with the Tzar's SWORD.
IN THE WINGS
Cossacks notice the sword's GLINT.
ON STAGE
Ivan and Catherina
JUMP
side-to-side as the sword THRUSTS IN-SYNC with the music.
Cossacks gain on Mouse Queen. She bids a hasty retreat.
"CANDY CANE" OUT
BEGIN "MOTHER GINGER & THE CLOWNS"
Mother Ginger BUSTLES on-stage.
Her enormous dress COVERS little girl "Polichinelles."
"Mother" HIDES her face with a "Chinese fan."
The Polichinelles exit, dance, and return to inside the dress.
Catherina SNEAKS out of the throne room, DIVES under Mother's dress. Ivan follows, but is SMACKED BACK when a large
MOUSE-TAIL WHIPS OUT
from behind "Mother's" dress.
"Mother" is actually Mouse Queen. Ivan ducks through the curtain that Mouse Queen tore with the Tzar's sword, stage rear.
"Mother" BUSTLES off stage.
"MOTHER GINGER & THE CLOWNS" OUT
BEGIN "WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS"
IN THE WINGS, STAGE LEFT FLY GALLERY
"Mother" pulls a drawstring. The dress OPENS. Polichinelles run out.
BEGIN "WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS" in b.g.
Catherina exits, but Mouse Queen GRABS her,
and LIFTS
her off the ground.
Mouse Queen sheds her large dress, and CLIMBS stage ropes, Catherina tucked under her arm. In b.g., the Executioner lumbers up a wall-mounted ladder.
ON-STAGE: BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
The ballet audience watches the famous "Waltz of the Flowers," totally unaware of the unfolding drama in one of two "fly galleries."
NOTE: Located stage right and left of the proscenium opening, each gallery is 35 feet wide, 50 feet deep, and 85 feet high, all hidden from public view.
FLY GALLERY
Ivan CLIMBS another rope.
Mouse Queen WHIPS her tail in his face, SMACKING him like a right jab. He's stunned, nearly falls.
The rope SWAYS. Ivan dangles precariously, frozen with fear. He looks down at the big production number.
Ivan FANTASY: The dancers transform into the skaters Ivan saw while dangling from the Neva River Bridge. The rope rises as in the bridge scene.
IVAN
Dad?
Ivan doesn't realize that just above him the Queen has looped her tail around the rope. Her tail lifts the rope, swinging it (and Ivan) around.
END FANTASY: Ivan "comes to," seeing his predicament. He SHIMMIES up and GRABS onto the TIP of her tail. He tries climbing the RASPISH tail, but she FLINGS him skyward.
IVAN
Whoa!
He lands on a batten, GRABS another rope, CLIMBS up.
Mouse Queen maintains her lead, she's still above him. In b.g., the Executioner continues his climb.
Ivan lifts himself onto a side-wall-mounted fly gallery/catwalk. He looks over the ropes attached to the "pin rail" (hickory belaying pins). He selects a lower pin with "trimmed rope." An angry "fly man" approches.
FLYMAN 1
Stop!
Ivan holds onto the rope. The flyman lunges at him, but Ivan kicks the pin out of the rail, and flies upward on the rope as counterweight sandbag descends.
Now he's 40 feet above the floor, just 20 feet below the escaping Mouse Queen, Catherina still tucked in her arm. Mouse Queen swings toward stage rear.
ON-STAGE, The Waltz of the Flowers nears its finale.
Ivan swings on the ropes to the "Waltz of the Flowers" music.
Mouse Queen hoists herself onto the CATWALK/LIGHTING BRIDGE (70 feet above stage floor).
Ivan reaches a higher side-mounted-catwalk, about 30 feet away. Mouse Queen DANGLES Catherina over the edge.
Ivan GRABS a rope. He SWINGS "Tarzan-style" toward Catherina.
Just as Mouse Queen releases her grip on Catherina, Catherina grabs the snow globe. She
FREE FALLS as Rope-swinging Ivan SNATCHES her mid-air, and SWINGS on-stage into...
ON STAGE
BEGIN "FINALE"
... the waiting SLEIGH.
Sugar Plum bids them adieu. The sleigh
GLIDES UPWARD, stage right. Catherina holds the snow globe. The sleigh assends behind the grand valance and into the stage right fly gallery, beyond the ballet audience's view.
END "FINALE"
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
IN THE SLEIGH (hidden from the ballet audience)
The sleigh STOPS just below a 60 foot high catwalk.
Ivan suddenly kisses Catherina. They are unaware of Mouse Queen who looms above them on a catwalk.
Catherina likes the kiss. Preoccupied, she holds the snow globe behind her.
Mouse Queen notices the snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
Now, I've got you!
The kids look up.
MOUSE QUEEN
There's no escaping me now.
She jumps down into the sleigh. Her weight creeks the floorboards, the support ropes slowly untwine.
Ivan places himself in front of Catherina. Mouse Queen closes in.
IVAN
(whispering to Catherina)
She wants the globe.
Catherina shakes her head, then bravely confronts Mouse Queen.
CATHERINA
(to Mouse Queen)
Let's see how brave you are now...
She holds the snow globe outside of the sleigh, 60 feet above the stage.
MOUSE QUEEN
No!
Mouse Queen lunges at the snow globe as Catherina lets it fall. Mouse Queen dives after it, falling out of the sleigh.
EXECUTIONER (O.S.)
No!
The Executioner appears on the catwalk. He removes his black leather hood to reveal a bloody Mouse King!
MOUSE KING
I show up like a bad penny, don't I?
SNOW GLOBE and Mouse Queen fall in SLOW MOTION.
Mouse King jumps into the sleigh, but doesn't quite make it. His massive paws grip the sleigh's edge as he lifts himself up. The support ropes untwine even faster.
CUT TO:
SNOW GLOBE and Mouse Queen continue their SLOW MOTION fall.
INSIDE THE SNOW GLOBE
FLASHBACK to the tiny pair of mice we first saw at rehearsal dancing on the railing of the Tzar's box.
CUT TO:
The snow globe SMASHES into the snowy fly gallery floor. The globe breaks, water leaks out.
MOUSE QUEEN shrinks back to mouse-size in mid-fall. The snow breaks her fall, she's disoriented but OK.
CUT TO:
MOUSE KING (in sleigh) shrinks to mouse size. He scurries along the edge of the sleigh. Ivan moves toward him. Afraid, tiny Mouse King jumps out.
He falls, landing on the snow, next to Mouse Queen. He'll live.
A support rope snaps, the sleigh lists starboard. Ivan and Catherina scramble toward the catwalk just as another rope breaks. As they hoist themselves up, yet another rope snaps. The sleigh dangles by one rope.
ON-STAGE
The corps de ballet takes its bows to thunderous applause. The audience throws flowers.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's father frowns.
ABOVE THE VALANCE - ON A CATWALK
Ivan holds Catherina by her waist, grabs on to a rope and they slowly descend to stage center as counter weight sand bags rise in the fly gallery.
ON-STAGE
More CHEERS. Ivan searches his pockets and hands Catherine the same rose seen earlier.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's father smiles (for the first time ever).
ON-STAGE
A petal falls to the footlights.
Behind the footlight boxes, tiny Mouse King hands Mouse Queen a rose petal.
Ivan and Catherina look down at the cute mice and smile. The mice take their bows.
Ivan gives her a kiss.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's father gives Ivan a standing ovation, the rest of the orchestra remains seated.
ON-STAGE
Ivan smiles back at his dad.
The audience CHEERS even louder.
FADE OUT:
SYNOPSIS
St. Petersburg, Russia, December 18, 1892
(Action takes place on this one day and in real time with the events of that evening).
ACT I
Ivan, age 14, studies violin at conservatory. He seeks camaraderie with his care-free friends, but his overbearing father, concertmaster at the Maryinski Ballet, thinks Ivan should be more disciplined. Ivan spies from afar the lovely ballerina Catherina, also 14, but Father drags Ivan to the final dress rehearsal before opening night. Ivan sits in the musicians' pit next to father, turning his pages. Father wants Ivan to become a professional violinist. Tchaikovsky conducts.
We meet the strange Drosselmeier and his balletic pet mice. To the opening night ballet audience he is a cast member, an old man with a black eye patch and mystical powers. In reality, he possesses supernatural powers, but is easily manipulated. His only love is not for Natasha, his evil, wanna-be ballerina grand daughter, but for his pet mice.
Love-smitten Ivan watches Catherine outclass Natasha at the final audition. But Natasha is not finished; she will stop at nothing, including murder, to secure the role of “Clara,” the girl whose dream is the Nutcracker ballet. Ivan inadvertently manages to lock horns with macho-Boris, the arrogant 18 year old bully who plays the Nutcracker.
Natasha plots to kill Catherina on-stage, opening night. As originally choreographed, the mouse king almost "kills" Clara, but she is saved by the Nutcracker who "kills" the mouse king. According to Natasha's plan, and at her behest, Drosselmeier will grow his two favorite mice into 8 foot monsters, the “king” mouse will don the seven-headed mouse king costume and he will actually try to kill Catherina/Clara, but there is one complication. . .
Backstage, Ivan figures it out, but none of the adults believes him, nor does Catherine who thinks he's nuts. So Ivan must save his beloved Catherine against her will. He overpowers Boris, steals his costume, finds a real sword, and goes on stage to battle the rodential beast. The ballet audience is unaware of the drama unfolding on stage. Ivan appears to kill the monster mouse per original choreography, but in saving Catherina, he creates another mortal enemy, the 8-foot Mouse Queen. Catherina still thinks Ivan is crazy, she's unaware that he saved her life.
INTERMISSION AND ACT II
On and off stage during intermission and Act II, the vengeful Mouse Queen pursues Ivan and Catherina. Again, the ballet audience is unaware of the on-stage drama. The pursuit is choreographed to a popular version of the Nutcracker. It’s not until the very end, when the young couple is lifted on a sled above the stage, that Catherine realizes that Ivan was right, but it’s almost too late. The Mouse Queen and a wounded, but still alive Mouse King, are in hot pursuit. The Queen jumps into the sled to kill them both, but the Queen falls to her “death.” Catherina kisses Ivan, they are safe and in love. The ballet audience never knew what happened.
FINALE
Catherine and Ivan take their bows to thunderous applause. Along the footlights, the two "dead" monster mice have been transformed back to cute normal sized mice; they kiss and take their bows. In the musician's pit Ivan's dad gives Ivan a standing ovation.
==================================================================================
FADE IN:
[[[Please open links in a second window so you can hear/see while reading]]]
BEGIN OVERTURE
EXT. ST. PETERSBURG - DAY
Through LUMINESCENT SNOW FLURRIES, RUSSIAN-BAROQUE architecture.
SUPER: "SAINT PETERSBURG, RUSSIA, 1892"
BEAUTY SHOTS
sun-gilded polychromed onion domes, spires, Winter Palace (Hermitage), Alexander's Column in Palace Square, The Bronze Horseman.
The frozen Neva River, its canals and quays CRADLED in red GRANITE embankments. Stone bridges adorned by gilded griffins.
OVERTURE OUT
EXT. SAINT PETERSBURG CONSERVATORY
Block-long, neoclassical behemoth.
BEGIN TCHAIKOVSKY VIOLIN CONCERTO
INT. CONSERVATORY AUDITORIUM
Student orchestra plays. IVAN (bespectacled, age 15) sits next to the conductor in the "concert master's" seat. He plays virtuoso violin, allegro vivacissimo.
VIOLIN CONCERTO OUT
EXT. SAINT PETERSBURG CONSERVATORY - LATER
Teenage students exit, carrying instruments. In the midst of the throng, Ivan and VLADY exit--they "fence" using their violin bows while carrying their instrument cases. Ivan's FOOTWORK is extraordinary.
The THUNDER of horse hooves interrupts them. Red-jacketed Cossacks gallop pass. In the swirling snow is
CATHERINA, a lovely 15-year-old. She glides by in SLOW MOTION. Ivan is transfixed.
Vlady "impales" him with the violin bow.
VLADY
Touché!
Ivan spins around.
IVAN
Hey!
Ivan quickly looks back, but Catherina's disappeared.
A group of neighborhood boys, ice skates slung over their shoulders, call to Ivan and Vlady.
NEIGHBORHOOD BOYS
C'mon. We're going skating.
Ivan and Vlady join the group. They walk toward the Neva River.
BOY 1
We're going over to the river--
BOY 2
--To ice skate--
BOY 3
--and check out the girls.
VLADY
Great!
(to Ivan)
Let's go Ivan!
Ivan stops short.
IVAN
I can't.
Ivan places his violin bow back in its case.
IVAN
I have to meet my father.
BOY 1
Ooo, the Maryinski Theatre needs its maestro--
BOY 2
(falsetto)
--And those pretty ballerinas sigh when Maestro Ivan walks by.
Boy 2 mimics a step. Boy 3 pretends to play the violin.
Vlady grabs Ivan's violin case.
The boys run to the river tossing it like a football.
IVAN
Hey, give it back.
Ivan runs after them.
NEVSKY PROSPEKT
The boys zig-zag along the historic boulevard, flanked by large 18th and 19th Century buildings.
VOSTANIYA SQUARE
The boys pass leafleting revolutionaries. A large sign reads "WORKERS UNITE" over ANTON, the protesters' young leader.
Anton leads the chant.
ANTON AND PROTESTERS
Workers rights, we must unite! Workers rights, we must unite!
NEVA RIVER BRIDGE
All the boys, except Ivan, slide down a 20-foot rope to the frozen river.
Vlady hands Ivan the violin case.
VLADY
I'm going to join them. You coming?
IVAN
But, but I told you--I have to meet my--my fath--
Vlady slides down the rope then looks up to Ivan.
VLADY
C'mon Ivan. Don't be chicken.
A girl skates by Vlady. She smiles at him.
VLADY
(to Ivan)
See ya!
Vlady skates after her. Ivan nervously straddles the railing; hands shake on rope.
The protesters run onto the bridge, Cossacks gallop in hot pursuit. They make arrests and chase Anton who runs into Ivan.
ANTON
(shouting)
Move! Let me by.
Ivan looks down, trembles, then looks up to see the approaching Cossacks.
IVAN
But, but--
ANTON
--Go!
Ivan slides down the rope, Anton slides after him, but Ivan stops, just half way down. The rope swings wildly, side-to-side in the WIND.
IVAN
Help!
Anton jumps off the rope, lands hard, struggles getting up, clutches his arm and runs.
Ivan clings to the rope and hears the shouting Cossacks on the bridge. He's jerked upward as the rope is pulled up to the bridge.
IVAN
Listen, I'm no protester--
A hand grabs Ivan's collar and pulls him up.
Ivan looks up nervously, but it's his FATHER, a robust man.
IVAN
Dad!
FATHER
What are you doing on that rope? Performing some circus act?
IVAN
Dad, it's you! I thought you were one of the Cossacks!
FATHER
You are now...
He checks his watch.
FATHER
18 minutes and 47 seconds late for rehearsal. You gave me your word. Instead, I had to scour all of St. Petersburg. Where do I find you? Mixed up with these... these refuseniks.
He picks up Ivan's violin case.
IVAN
I had nothing to do with them. Honest, I--
FATHER
--Come with me this instant.
He shoves the violin case into Ivan's arms and hurries off.
FATHER
Presto! Presto!
Ivan follows.
INT. MARYINSKY THEATRE
AUDITORIUM
ROCOCO SPLENDOR--A heavily-gilded, five-ring, 1,700-seat, imperial edifice with Michelangelo-like murals and a chandelier the size of Rhode Island. The "house" is empty.
The tiered, brocaded, gold and red house curtain is in its "down" position.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
The orchestra is silent; everyone nervously looks around. The conductor, PETER ILYICH TCHAIKOVSKY, checks his pocket watch. Looks up, pauses, taps his baton metronomically on the lectern. He raises the baton.
Ivan's father barrels through the musician's door (under the stage apron) followed by Ivan.
Father scrambles to his "Concert Master" seat next to the conductor. Ivan sits next to him.
TCHAIKOVSKY
So glad you could honor us with your presence, Maestro.
He holds up the baton, then the DOWN BEAT.
BEGIN "TREPAK"
They REHEARSE the lusty Russian folk dance. Ivan turns the pages for his dad.
AUDITORIUM - IMPERIAL BOX
Two mice, one with a black patch over his left eye, dance spiritedly on the railing of the royal gold and white IMPERIAL BOX.
BACK TO PIT
The tempo gathers momentum. At the last measure, Father's "e" string SNAPS.
It "TWANGS." SILENCE.
BACK TO IMPERIAL BOX
The mice look at each other and HOLD their noses and shake their heads. The mouse with a patch scurries off.
BACK TO PIT
Musicians look around and clear their throats. Tchaikovsky glares at Father.
TCHAIKOVSKY
Thank you for your unique interpretation of my music.
Father hands Ivan the broken string.
DAD
(stage whisper)
Ivan, get me another string. In the music room. Quick!
BACK TO IMPERIAL BOX
DROSSELMEIER (tall, gaunt, and wrinkled with a black PATCH over his eye) approaches the remaining mouse.
DROSSELMEYER
There you are my naughty lovely.
He picks her up.
BACK TO PIT
Ivan exits under the stage apron into
BACKSTAGE
The musicians' locker room and opens the door to the MUSIC ROOM. In addition to sheet music and supplies, it contains a strange elevator-like contraption.
Drosselmeier's black-patched mouse DARTS in front of him. Ivan jumps backwards and lands in the elevator, reaches out to brace himself, and accidentally pushes a button. It LURCHES up.
ON-STAGE--BEHIND HOUSE CURTAIN
Stagehands "hang" the show.
They "fly" scenery with pulleys, ropes, battens, sandbag counterweights, lower a GIANT CHRISTMAS TREE, then check TRAP DOORS, stage rear.
STAGEHAND 1
Again, no extra pay for overtime.
STAGEHAND 2
It's like we're still serfs.
STAGEHAND 1
Lenin's calling for a general strike.
STAGEHAND 2
But he's in jail--
Stage Hand 2 is interrupted by the gaffer, Anton (with clip board and arm in sling from earlier mishap at the bridge). He stands on a "fly gallery," high above the stage floor.
ANTON
(shouting)
--OK, that's enough. Back to work. The walls have ears!
A 4X4 section of the stage rises. Ivan rides in the "elevator trap"--the top of the elevator is a 4X4 stage floor "trap."
ANTON
You never know who might--
He notices the elevator trap.
ANTON
--pop up.
Ivan is on-stage, unable to move, blocked by the Christmas tree.
IVAN
Whoops!
STAGEHAND 1
Who said that?
He examines the tree.
STAGEHAND 1
It sounds like it's coming from here.
STAGEHAND 2
A talking Christmas tree? Lay off the vodka.
Anton grabs onto a "fly" rope, and "rides the line" down as the Christmas tree ascends, slowing his descent.
Ivan watches the tree lift off the ground. He stands center stage, uncamouflaged.
ANTON
Hey you! What are you doing here?
IVAN
I'm trying to find--Don't I know you?
Anton nervously hurries Ivan along.
ANTON
You belong downstairs. That's where you'll find the other dancers.
IVAN
But I'm not a dance--
Anton grabs Ivan's arm, eyeballs him.
ANTON
We've never met, understand?
A confused Ivan walks to the elevator trap. Anton grabs him again.
ANTON
No, not that way.
IVAN
But my father needs--
Anton pushes him into the wings.
ANTON
--Dancers! All their brains are in their feet.
BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
Ivan walks cautiously, lost in a catacomb of hallways. He toys with the broken violin string.
IVAN
(to himself)
Where's that music room?
VOICE
Now, you Mouse King, advance, good, en garde.
Ivan looks into a rehearsal room. He watches BORIS, a handsome, muscular young man (about 18), in the NUTCRACKER costume and "MOUSE KING," the seven-headed, eight-foot rodent played by Sergei, an adult dancer.
REHEARSAL ROOM
Assistant balletmaster LEV IVANOV choreographs a sword fight. The dancers follow his direction. A pianist accompanies.
LEV IVANOV
Now Nutcracker, get ready to defend. Good. Mouse King, attack! Now both parry. Nice. You Mouse King, remise. Then Nutcracker, you riposte. Very good. Mouse King, feint. Both parry, now, counter-parry. Correct. Then Nutcracker, you fall. And Mouse King, raise your sword over him.
Ivanov stands behind Mouse King holding a ballet slipper over his head.
LEV IVANOV
Now this is where Clara throws her slipper.
Ivanov throws the slipper at Mouse King. It grazes his back and hits
Ivan's GLASSES, knocking them off.
Boris leaps up, sword in-hand.
LEV IVANOV
Now Mouse King, turn around and run to Clara. I'll be Clara.
Mouse King runs to Ivanov; holds his sword over him.
LEV IVANOV
Now this is where Nutcracker stabs Mouse King.
Boris, about to plunge his rehearsal sword into Ivanov, notices Ivan crawling on the floor, looking for his glasses.
BORIS
(to Ivan)
How dare you spy on my rehearsal!
Ivan quickly dons his glasses and stands. Boris struts to Ivan, but STOPS SHORT to check his image in the mirror. He turns to Ivan.
BORIS
(snaps)
Who are you--what are you doing here?
IVAN
I... I...
BORIS
If I ever catch you sneaking around here again...
Boris points the "sword" threateningly at Ivan. Ivan backs out of the room.
Boris pushes Ivan with the sword into the...
HALLWAY
BORIS
I'll slice you into--
Boris thrusts the sword at Ivan.
BORIS
Stroganoff!
Ivan leaps backwards and accidentally stumbles into ...
BALLET STUDIO
Catherina, interrupting her dance. She trips and falls. In b.g., ten girls (about Ivan's age) wear leotards and tights (like Catherina). They stand along the barre in front of wall-length mirrors.
The REHEARSAL PIANIST stops playing.
BALLETMASTER MARIUS PETIPA (age 73) frowns.
Ivan is stunned, embarrassed.
CATHERINA
Would you be a galant and help me up?
He awkwardly helps her up. She curtseys and smiles.
CATHERINA
Merci.
The other ballerinas GIGGLE.
Blushing Ivan dashes out.
HALLWAY
He runs a few feet, then returns to the ballet studio doorway. He PEEKS in unnoticed.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
(French accent)
Catherina, you may continue.
(to rehearsal pianist)
Maestro?
Catherina dances EXQUISITELY. Ivan is smitten by her, he stares ENRAPTURED.
BEGIN SONG 1: Ivan sings "Catherina" [Ivan/Catherina dance fantasy]
SONG OUT, Ivan returns to reality.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Tres bien, ma petite chou-chou. I think you are ready for a major role.
Petipa holds her hands.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
You are to dance Clara in Maestro Tchaikovsky's new ballet, "The Nutcracker."
The girls surround and congratulate Catherina, except NATASHA (sultry, age 16), who stands apart. She ANGRILY grips and twists her "pointe" slippers.
Boris pushes past Ivan. He STRUTS in like a peacock.
BORIS
Ah, the sound of rapturous adulation. Here I am.
The girls swarm around him.
BALLERINA 1
Catherina's got the part!
BALLERINA 2
She's going to play Clara!
BORIS
(to Catherina)
My new prima ballerina.
He takes her hand.
BORIS
What a fortunate girl to have such a handsome star.
Boris kisses her hand, but she watches Ivan in the doorway. He drops the violin string and walks away dejectedly. She follows and Picks up the violin string. She ties the string on his finger.
CATHERINA
Here, so you'll remember.
They gaze into each other's eyes. Then startled by SHATTERING glass. Catherina runs into the rehearsal room doorway as Natasha runs out, almost knocking her (Catherina) over.
BALLET STUDIO
Catherina joins the startled group. Their images are fractured as they examine the broken wall mirror.
BACKSTAGE STAIRWAY
Gothic.
Natasha RUNS downstairs.
DISSOLVE TO:
INSIDE SNOW GLOBE
Natasha RUNS downstairs, water-distorted.
BOILER ROOM
Natasha's image is in a SNOW GLOBE. It sits next to Drosselmeier.
The room is cavernous, sooty, with a catwalk above. A fire HISSES in the giant boiler.
Next to the snow globe, Drosselmeier dresses his two pet mice in tiny lederhosen costumes. He looks into the snow globe.
INSIDE SNOW GLOBE
Natasha reaches for a door.
BOILER ROOM
Natasha RUNS into the room CRYING.
NATASHA
Papa, Papa, Papa!
Frightened, the two mice SCURRY off the table.
DROSSELMEYER
Now, now dear, didn't I tell you not to come barging in? You scared the mousikins.
Drosselmeier SEARCHES the room. Natasha STAMPS her foot.
NATASHA
Catherina, Catherina, Catherina. Why is it always Catherina!?
DROSSELMEYER
Watch where you're stepping--oh!
He SPOTS the mice.
NATASHA
I could kill that Catherina.
He SCOOPS up the mice and pets them.
DROSSELMEYER
(to the mice)
There you are my little kazatskys.
He makes "KISSY" sounds.
NATASHA
You haven't listened to a word I said! I'm telling you about Catherina. She stole my part. The part of Clara in the Nutcracker. That was mine!
Drosselmeier finishes dressing the mice in their lederhosen costumes.
NATASHA
And that conceited peacock, Boris, was congratulating her too.
She struts around, imitating him, kissing her own hand.
DROSSELMEYER
There, there Natasha. I'm sure there'll be other Boris's--I mean parts.
He places the mice inside an elaborate cuckoo clock. He ignores her.
NATASHA
But I want that part. I have to play Clara. I have to! If I don't, I'll just die--Papa, will you stop playing with those furry freaks. They can't help. They're useless!
The "cuckoo" clock STRIKES THREE. The two mice dressed in LEDERHOSEN (like Hansel and Gretel)
MARCH around the clock.
NATASHA
Oh, you make me so furious.
Drosselmeier looks up to see Natasha about to SMASH the snow globe.
DROSSELMEYER
No!
He stops her.
DROSSELMEYER
Breaking it will destroy my magic.
NATASHA
Your magic! All your so-called magical powers are wasted on your stupid experiments. It's never for me. What good are these ridiculous mice? They can't help me get the part I want in the Nutcracker, can they? Huh?
Drosselmeier looks up with a
MANIACAL GRIN.
DROSSELMEYER
Au contraire, ma chère.
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
I HAVE A PLAN.
NATASHA
(singing)
REALLY?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
WHERE YOU'LL LAND YOUR MAN.
NATASHA
(singing)
BUT IT'S THE PART.
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
I KNOW.
NATASHA
(singing)
THAT'S REALLY IN MY HEART.
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THEN USE SOME MAGIC.
NATASHA
(singing)
HOW?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
AND YOUR FUTURE WON'T BE TRAGIC.
NATASHA
What can you possibly be thinking?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THERE'S A MOUSE KING IN THE PERFORMANCE
ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE
ENORMOUS
SEE THESE CRITTERS, MY LITTLE MICEY
LOOK HOW THEY'RE GROWING UP SO NICELY
BUT I CAN MAKE THEM BOTH
GIGANTIC
SO DARLING NATASHA, DON'T YOU
PANIC.
NATASHA
So we make these mice big. What's the point?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
WHEN THE MOUSE KING DIES
IT'LL STILL BE PRETEND
BUT THE PERSON WHO'LL REALLY COME TO HER END
WLL BE THE GIRL WHO PLAYS CLARA.
NATASHA
Catherina!?
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THEN OUR OWN MOUSE KING WILL FLEE-- AND SHRINK DOWN TO SIZE--NO ONE THE WISER THAT HE--
NATASHA
--the murderer--
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
WAS ALIVE!
NATASHA
(singing)
WE'LL TURN THE BALLET ON ITS HEAD--WITH CATHERINA WHO IS DEAD!
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THE ROLE WILL BE YOURS.
NATASHA
(singing)
OH, PAPA! J'ADORE!
DROSSELMEYER
(singing)
THE MOUSE WILL DO OUR KILLING--
NATASHA
(singing)
THIS REALLY IS TOO THRILLING--
DROSSELMEYER
Shhh! Not a word to anyone.
NATASHA
I swear.
DROSSELMEYER
Now let's see.
He presses his good eye against the SNOW GLOBE. "Hansel and Gretel" mice GROW inside.
Drosselmeier and Natasha both look up AWESTRUCK. She GASPS.
The mice are eight feet tall.
DROSSELMEYER
Voilà. There!
Drosselmeier hands MOUSE KING a SWORD and MOUSE QUEEN a CROWN.
EXT. THEATRE SQUARE - NIGHT
Large, gaslit public square surrounded by public buildings.
The MARYINSKY THEATRE draws closer, a moon-lit neoclassical blue and white wedding cake structure.
SUPER: "CHRISTMAS EVE"
Church bells RING.
Aristocratic theatergoers exit their luxurious horse-drawn sleighs with liveries in red uniforms.
A fancy coach arrives drawn by a team of white horses. It resembles an enormous FABERGE EGG.
LIVERIES roll out a red carpet.
LIVERY
Make way for the Tzar.
The door opens.
INT. MARYINSKY THEATRE
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
The orchestra WARMS UP. Ivan's father glances at Ivan's empty seat; he looks around worried.
AUDITORIUM
The chandelier descends to just above the seats. A white-wigged "snuff boy" lights it. The flame quickly encircles the chandelier (as it's supposed to). DAZZLING. The chandelier ascends to the ceiling.
BACKSTAGE
Opening night pandemonium.
Ivan stands in the wings, stage right. He clutches a ROSE. Dancers warm up on-stage. Dancers rub their slippers in a "rosin box."
Ivan spots Catherina in the wings, stage left.
IVAN
Catherina!
Catherina looks around.
Ivan waves the rose. She smiles at him. He navigates through the hubbub when
Boris SWOOPS on-stage. He blocks Ivan's way.
BORIS
Attention everyone.
Young ballerinas swoon around the studmuffin.
BORIS
I have to practice my--
He notices Ivan's rose.
BORIS
--for me?
Boris plucks it out of Ivan's hand.
BORIS
Too kind.
(a beat)
BORIS
My bow.
Boris does an elaborate, slow bow. The ballerinas coo.
BORIS
Magnificent. I am ready.
Boris throws the rose to the ballerinas. Ivan snatches it away.
IVAN
Catherina!
Ivan makes his way to Catherina. As he approaches, Anton lifts up Catherina by her waist. They LAUGH and embrace.
Ivan stares. Dejected, he places the rose in his pocket.
STAGE MANAGER walks on stage, CLAPPING his hands.
STAGE MANAGER
Places, everyone.
Dancers take their positions.
ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's Seat is empty, dad's still worried.
BACKSTAGE
Ivan panics.
IVAN
Ohmygod, I'll be late!
He runs past the lighting man at the "gas table," a complicated maze of pipes and valves that control the gaslights.
Pipes HISS as the lighting man turns the valves.
Lights flicker.
Ivan, stage left, cracks open the house curtain a tiny crack. House lights dim on the audience. A HUSH falls over the crowd.
He sees his empty seat in the orchestra pit.
IVAN
(to himself)
Father will kill me.
He looks at the spotlight booth, above the top tier of the auditorium.
SPOTLIGHT BOOTH
A workman inspects the Klieglight, checking the carbon rods. He dons heavy protective glasses and pulls down a large lever (like Dr. Frankenstein). Electricity arcs between the rods. Near white out.
SCREEN BLACK
BACKSTAGE
From Ivan's POV:
The SPOTLIGHT illuminates and follows Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky who steps onto the podium.
He bows then motions to the Tzar's BOX.
Still from Ivan's POV:
The spotlight "washes" TZAR ALEXANDER III in the royal gold and white BOX.
The Tzar wears a resplendent Hussar uniform with blazing decorations. The TZARINA is sumptuously attired in billowing white satin and diamond tiara.
Two large, uniformed COSSACK "LIFE GUARDS" stand behind the royal couple.
The Tzar and Tzarina smile to the crowd and whisper.
TZARINA
Did you arrest those roughnecks?
TZAR
You mean refuseniks.
TZARINA
Whatever.
TZAR
Yes, dear.
The Tzar STANDS,
UNSHEATHES his sword, and SALUTES the audience--the sword outstretched from his body.
The sword REFLECTS into Ivan's EYES. Ivan squints and backs away from the curtain.
AUDITORIUM
SPOT LIGHT OUT
BEGIN OVERTURE
The house is dark, footlights barely illuminate the orchestra.
BACK STAGE
OVERTURE in b.g.
Ivan hurries back to his seat. He runs, but gets lost among the endless maze of hallways.
AUDITORIUM
OVERTURE OUT
From ballet audience's POV:
The house curtain RISES.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
NOTE: ALL ON-STAGE SCENES TO ORIGINAL SCORE
BEGIN "LIGHTING OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE"
19th CENTURY DRAWING ROOM
Opulent, rose-colored. Brocaded furniture, tall candelabras, grandfather clock crowned with an owl.
Children FROLIC around a CHRISTMAS TREE. They TRIM the tree.
BACK STAGE
Music faintly in b.g.
Exasperated Ivan approaches a stairway, but stops abruptly when he hears an unerving, inhuman SQUEAL.
On the landing below, he sees Drosselmeier's MOUSE KING, the eight-foot, lederhosen-clad rodent.
INTERCUT Ivan's reaction.
Mouse King confronts Sergei in his SEVEN-HEADED MOUSE KING COSTUME. Mouse King ropes his tail around Sergei's neck. He DRAGS off the helpless Sergei.
MOUSE KING
(Cockney accent)
You won't be needin' a costume for where you're going.
Ivan overhears a SCUFFLE, muffled SCREAM, and BONES CRUNCHING.
MOUSE KING (O.S.)
Say "cheese."
Mouse King reappears. He PICKS his teeth with a BONE then BELCHES.
He HOLDS the seven-headed COSTUME against himself as if CLOTHES SHOPPING.
MOUSE KING
They don't carry anything like this at the Big and Tall Man's Shop.
HORRIFIED Ivan RACES back to the wings. Anton grabs him by the collar, mid-stride.
ANTON
You again!
IVAN
Wait a second--
ANTON
You should be ready to go on stage.
IVAN
Wait a second, let go--
Anton pushes him toward a door.
ANTON
Just put on your costume.
Ivan wheels around, facing Anton.
IVAN
(sputtering)
A mouse... uh, a humongous mouse just killed the Mouse King!
Ivan pulls Anton toward the stairway.
IVAN
Hurry, he'll escape.
Drosselmeier's Mouse King wears the "seven-headed" "MOUSE KING" costume. He WAVES at Stage Hand 1 from below.
ANTON
That's Sergei in his Mouse King costume, you doofus.
IVAN
No, no, that's not really Sergei. Sergei is just, just, mouse droppings by now. There's a real mouse under that costume. I'm not kidding!
ANTON
Look kid. Quit bugging me. I told you--wait! Oh, I get it, "mouse droppings." Here.
Anton hands Ivan a "WORKERS UNITE" flier. He bear hugs Ivan, kisses both cheeks.
ANTON
Welcome, comrade.
Anton exits. Ivan rolls his eyes, stuffs the flier in his pocket.
Ivan looks down the stairs. Mouse King has vanished.
ON-STAGE
CHRISTMAS TREE OUT
BEGIN THE "MARCH"
Children dance the famous march.
BACK STAGE
Music in b.g.
Ivan cautiously DESCENDS the stairway to investigate.
MUSIC OUT
He searches the subterranean labyrinth of dimly-lit, barrel-vaulted hallways. Crumbling plaster reveals wooden slats. Medieval wooden doors run along the sides, pipes run above.
He hears steam pipes HISS, water FLOW, wood CREAK.
BOILER ROOM
Drosselmeyer's giant MOUSE QUEEN wears her "Heidi" cuckoo clock outfit. She MUNCHES on a massive CHEESE WHEEL impaled on a giant sword.
Mouse King WIGGLES his claws/toes in front of a MIRROR, checking out the costume.
Both mice have COCKNEY ACCENTS.
MOUSE KING
How'd I look?
MOUSE QUEEN
Smashing. Simply smashing. Handsome as the day we was wed. Just like when you were a mere stripling of a mouse.
Mouse Queen HUGS the King, but her arms won't fit around his AMPLE BELLY.
MOUSE KING
I'm not going to be a cuckoo in Drosselmeier's clock no more. No siree. After we pull off this job we're gonna blow this joint. We's big enough now.
MOUSE QUEEN
But sweetie, we wouldn't be this big in the first place if not for ol' Drossie's magic.
MOUSE KING
We was tiny when he wanted us to be, and larger than life only for his own twisted purposes.
Mouse Queen CHOMPS on the cheese wheel.
MOUSE KING
And you'll be even larger eating that snack. You're gonna bust right out of that outfit of yours.
MOUSE QUEEN
That's good because I don't want to look like bloomin' Heidi anymore. Wait, I've got something special. Be back in a tick.
She exits.
Mouse King GRABS the cheese wheel. EATS from it.
Mouse Queen enters, RADIANT in her sparkling pink TUTU.
Cheese DROPS from his mouth.
MOUSE KING
Blimey! You look like a princess. A furry, fairy princess. Now I remember why I'm over-the-moon in love with you.
They rub noses and tickle each other's whiskers.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
BEGIN "ARRIVAL OF DROSSELMEIER"
LIGHTS DIM. The grandfather clock chimes, and owl flaps its wings. Drosselmeier enters to SINISTER, FRIGHTENING music. The footlighs flicker.
Drosselmeier presents gifts to the children. He OPENS two large, fancy gift boxes.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE puppets dance a comic pas de deux.
He opens third box. A "WIND-UP SOLDIER" does a lively, DIABOLICAL dance.
MUSIC OUT
BACK STAGE--BASEMENT HALLWAY
Ivan hears muffled voices behind a dwarf access door. He crouches down, gingerly turns the handle, slowly opens the door, and CRAWLS onto a
SUBTERRANEAN CATWALK
over the BOILER ROOM. He spies the activities below.
BOILER ROOM
Mouse Queen POURS two STEAMING drinks from a giant SAMOVAR.
MOUSE QUEEN
Here you go luvy, steamy hot vodka.
They hold up their glasses.
MOUSE KING
As soon as I kill Catherina, we'll lam it out of here and--
She stands on "POINTE."
MOUSE QUEEN
--and star in my own production of Swan Lake!
MOUSE KING
I'll drink to that.
They gulp the Vodka and throw their glasses into the furnace. He fills two new glasses.
MOUSE KING
And, I'll star in my own production of...
Mouse King YANKS the sword from the cheese wheel.
MOUSE KING
... the Sword in the cheese--uh, Stone. We'll sell the rights to Disney.
MOUSE QUEEN
They already have a mouse, Sweetie.
They laugh, down the vodka, smash the glasses and pour another round.
IVAN looks on, puzzled.
Song 3 "Human Beans"
SINGING
MOUSE KING
AND WHAT'S FOR DINNER, DEARIE?
MOUSE QUEEN
UH, HUMAN BEANS?
MOUSE KING
FIT FOR QUEENS.
MOUSE QUEEN
HOMO SAPIEN SOUFFLE?
MOUSE KING
OLÉ!
MOUSE QUEEN
PEOPLE PORRIDGE!
MOUSE KING
WAIT!
MOUSE QUEEN
WHAT'S WRONG?
MOUSE KING
BLIMEY, THAT'S HARD TO RHYME.
MOUSE QUEEN
OK, THAT'S FINE.
MOUSE KING
WELL DONE, WELL DONE.
They toast.
MOUSE KING
A TOAST TO CATHERINA.
MOUSE QUEEN
OR CATHERINA ON TOAST--DON'T FORGET THE RUSSIAN DRESSING.
MOUSE KING
A FINAL TRIBUTE TO HER FIRST--
MOUSE QUEEN
--AND LAST--
MOUSE KING
--PERFORMANCE.
MOUSE QUEEN
--PERFORMANCE.
SONG OUT
Ivan is AGHAST.
They LAUGH, SWILL the booze, and SMASH their glasses into the furnace.
CATWALK
Ivan scurries along the catwalk to the HALLWAY.
He runs wildly, finds a stairway and zooms up.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
RESUME MUSIC-IN-PROGRESS
Drosselmeier displays a TOY NUTCRACKER.
He presents it to Catherina. Her "brother" Fritz GRABS it away, STOMPS on it.
Drosselmeier repairs it with a SLING.
BACK STAGE--DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Ivan frantically READS NAMES off the dressing room DOORS:
"SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"
IVAN
(to himself)
Sugar Plum Fairy.
"CLARA"
IVAN
(to himself)
Clara.
Finally, a door marked
"NUTCRACKER"
Ivan BANGS on the door.
BORIS (O.S.)
Entre.
Ivan rushes in.
BORIS
Hey! You--
IVAN
--Listen, you may not believe this but there's going to be a murder on stage--I mean a real murder with Catherina as the Mouse King's victim--I don't mean Sergei the Mouse King, but a real Mouse King--I don't mean a real, real Mouse King but a mouse who is real and even larger than Sergei, really enormous--anyway Catherina, Clara, you know, what she is on stage, is going to be killed, and since you are the only other person on stage, you got to, got to, save her. Understand?
BORIS
(a beat)
You are crazy. Get out.
IVAN
No, no, believe me, it's true. I heard a plot being hatched by the Mouse King and his, his, I don't know what you'd call her, Mouse Queen.
BORIS
Mouse Queen? What Mouse Queen? There are no girlie mice in this ballet.
IVAN
That's what I'm saying. These rodents are for real! Drosselmeyer used magic to make them huge and they're going to murder--
BORIS
--Stop! Enough of this jibber jabber. Buzz off and don't--
IVAN
--You stuck up moron! I'm telling you that Catherina, your prima ballerina is in danger!
Boris grabs his "sword."
BORIS
And I'm telling you that this is make believe in your head. Dreams! Fantasy! Nothing is authentic. See? Nothing is real.
Boris points "sword" at Ivan.
BORIS
Even this weapon which you think can kill you. Look!
Boris pretends to stab Ivan and LAUGHS.
BORIS
It's fake. Like everything. Including your story. Now scramsky!
Boris pushes Ivan into the Hallway.
IVAN
(screaming)
I'll save her myself!
BOILER ROOM
BEGIN "PAS DE DUEX" [out of sequence]
Mouse King and Queen hear music, look around.
MOUSE QUEEN
Oh Mousikins, they're playing our song.
ZAFTIG Mouse Queen and DRUNKEN Mouse King dance and
BUNGLE
the famous, romantic grand pas de deux. He drops her during the final step, a "fish dive."
"PAS DE DUEX" OUT
MOUSE KING
Whoopsies.
MOUSE QUEEN
Are you all right, my mouse cavalier? You seem a bit tipsy.
Mouse Queen ADJUSTS his costume as if sending "hubby" off to work.
MOUSE KING
Tipsy, whipsy.
Natasha opens the door.
NATASHA
Are you ready?
Mouse King UNSHEATHES the sword, SMASHES it on the concrete wall. It POCK-MARKS the wall.
MOUSE KING
Ready enough, eh?
NATASHA
Ata boy. Now, as soon as you kill Catherina, you come straight back here.
MOUSE QUEEN
You sure they won't follow him?
NATASHA
I told you, my father will turn you back into tiny mice again so you can hide, at least for the time being. Got that?
MOUSE KING
I know. We be mini-mice for a spell. But tonight, I'm gonna be
(a beat)
a rat!
NATASHA
You're a soused mouse, alright.
Mouse King BELCHES. He CLIMBS the stairs with Natasha.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Boris exits his dressing room. He wears his red Nutcracker jacket and carries the Nutcracker "head piece." He sees what appears to be Sergei in his seven-headed mouse costume climb the stairs with Natasha.
Natasha hoists the tipsy Mouse King up the stairs. They stop at a landing. Boris is about to greet "Sergei" when...
MOUSE KING removes his seven-headed mask to wipe sweat off his brow with his paw.
NATASHA
Next time, lay off the schnapps.
Boris is shocked. He FAINTS.
NATASHA
(to Mouse King)
Quick, get to the wings.
Mouse King climbs the stairs, out of sight. Natasha kneels next to Boris. She slaps his face to wake him.
NATASHA
Boris, Boris, wake up!
He opens his eyes.
BORIS
A monster mouse! I'm scared.
He holds Natasha quivering.
NATASHA
There, there. The bad mouse is gone. He's already in the wings. He can't hurt you.
BORIS
OK, mommy--hey, wait a second!
He leaps up with bravado.
BORIS
What do you mean "in the wings?" He's going on stage!?
NATASHA
Um. Listen, you've got to get ready and I've got to go--
She dashes for a dressing room marked "CLARA." She enters, but Boris prevents her from shutting the door. He barges in.
DRESSING ROOM
BORIS
--That annoying kid with the cockamamie story was right.
NATASHA
Kid? What kid? Look, I can explain--
BORIS
--I saw you, I saw you with my own eyes with that, that giant mal à propos with whiskers! What's going on? Tell me!
NATASHA
He's Sergei's uh, um, understudy.
BORIS
You think you can pee down my leg and make me believe it's snow?
NATASHA
And I'm going on for Catherina.
BORIS
You? They wouldn't have you deliver coffee on stage, much less dance. Tell me the truth, or I see to it that the only role you'll ever get is a bialy. In fact, I'm going to Petipa right now--
NATASHA
--Wait! I'll tell you the whole story.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
The door marked "NUTCRACKER" is open. Ivan looks down the hallway, ducks in.
NUTCRACKER DRESSING ROOM
Ivan rifles through several costumes. He DONS a red Hussar jacket and matching pants.
He grabs the fake sword and knocks the broadside against his fist. He shakes his head.
IVAN
This is hopeless.
Ivan notices the TZAR's PORTRAIT in the mirror; it's on the opposite wall. He turns to look at it.
FLASHBACK
ALEXANDER III SALUTES with his
GLISTENING Sword.
IVAN
Of course, the Tzar's sword!
END FLASHBACK
Ivan quickly tosses the fake sword.
BACK TO CLARA'S DRESSING ROOM
BORIS
Such a greedy girl. And so lucky to have your papa Drosselmeyer take orders from you. But, you see, I'm not your father.
NATASHA
If you keep our secret, you'll be rewarded.
BORIS
What's in it for me?
NATASHA
Money?
BORIS
Nyet. Mother and I have plenty to live on.
NATASHA
Love?
BORIS
My fans already worship me.
He adjusts his hair in the mirror.
BORIS
Got anything else? You mean to tell me that your papa won't share any of his malevolent magic with me? No?
NATASHA
I, I don't know what he could--
He opens the door.
BORIS
I'm sure Balletmaster Petipa will find your little scheme very amusing. Dasvidanya.
NATASHA
I got it! Youth.
BORIS
What are you talking about?
NATASHA
Eternal youth.
BORIS
I'm already young.
NATASHA
But not forever.
He slowly shuts the door.
BORIS
Continue.
NATASHA
To always dance in your prime.
BORIS
It's tempting...
NATASHA
To be the world's greatest dancer for all time.
She turns him in front of the mirror.
NATASHA
Just think. Never getting old, but keeping your strong chest, those muscular arms, and your firm...
She turns him sideways to the mirror.
BORIS
tushski?
NATASHA
Yes, especially that. Why people will behold you as a...
BORIS
God!
NATASHA
Whatever.
BORIS
I'm making a deal with the devil. And what a pretty beelzebub it is.
Boris grabs her toward him.
BORIS
C'mere!
NATASHA
Hey!
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Ivan exits the Nutcracker dressing room. He hears a COMMOTION from Clara's dressing room and runs to the door.
He notices the two thick metal loops outside the door, one attached to the door and one to the door jam. They can be used to lock the door from the outside, using a thick chain, etc.
He pulls on the inner loop attached to the door and surreptitiously opens the door just enough to look inside. Boris chases Natasha around a divan.
Ivan spies on them.
NATASHA
Boris, you have to get on stage!
BORIS
You little she-devil.
NATASHA
You'll ruin everything!
Boris lunges at her. They tussle on the divan. He TOSSES his head mask on the floor.
Ivan sneaks in,
SCOOPS up the MASK, but Boris CATCHES sight of him.
BORIS
You little squirt, come back here!
Ivan sees the sword, GRABS it and bolts, Boris in hot pursuit.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
Ivan SLAMS shut the door, RAMS the sword through the metal loops.
BANGING on the door.
BORIS AND NATASHA (V.O.)
Somebody! Open the door! Let us out!
ON STAGE - DRAWING ROOM - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
"DEPARTURE OF THE GUESTS" LAST FEW BARS
The "guests" leave.
DEPARTURE OUT; BEGIN "BEDTIME"
Lights dim.
Catherina (as Clara) sneaks into the living room, finds the toy nutcracker on its "bed," holds it like a baby, and falls asleep on the couch, Nutcracker in her arms.
Her "mother" finds her sleeping, but instead of waking her up, she places her shawl over Catherina.
AUDITORIUM
Behind the drowsy Tzar and riveted Tzarina, the Cossack Life Guards flirt with two coquettes in an adjoining box.
One of the women motions to rendeznous in the corridor.
BEGIN "THE MAGIC SPELL"
AUDITORIUM
The Tzar sleeps.
MEZZANINE CORRIDOR--NEAR THE TZAR'S BOX
Opulent--Crystal chandeliers, plush carpet, pastel colored walls.
Ivan, dressed in the Nutcracker uniform and the head mask in-hand, walks along the corridor. He's heading toward...
The Cossacks who drink heavily from a flask and FLIRT with the young women.
Ivan turns the corner, almost bumping into them. He's shocked. The Cossacks look to him. He quickly dons the mask; they never see his face.
COSSACK 1
Boris, right?
IVAN
(clearing his throat)
Uh, yes.
Cossack 1 proudly turns to the young ladies.
COSSACK 1
They all know me.
IVAN
I've come to pay my respects to the Tzar.
The Cossacks nod and let him past. They return to their flirtations and heavy drinking. Ivan stops at a black curtain under the heraldic black TWO-HEADED EAGLE.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Catherina "SLEEPS" on the couch.
Drosselmeyer LIFTS the Toy Nutcracker, REMOVES the sling, and REPAIRS it with a screwdriver.
He places a "SPELL" over Catherina, TUCKS the Toy Nutcracker under her arm, and exits.
MEZZANINE CORRIDOR--Just outside the Tzar's box.
Ivan SNEAKS in, crawling on all fours.
IMPERIAL BOX - DARK
The Tzar SNOOZES. Ivan stealthily unsheathes the Tzar's sword as the TZARINA views the ballet through opera glasses.
She watches Catherina on-stage.
TZARINA
What a darling ballerina that girl is.
IVAN
(low, muffled)
Yes, yes dear.
The Tzarina reaches for the Tzar's hand. Ivan gingerly moves the Tzar's hand into her's.
He finishes removing the sword, but the political flyer from Anton is nearly dislodged, it hangs from his pocket.
Ivan SLITHERS out.
MEZZANINE CORRIDOR
Ivan, the flyer hanging out of his pocket, must pass by the Cossacks (and the young ladies) to escape. They nod as he passes, but brushes against one of the ruffled dresses, dislodging the flyer.
COSSACK 1
Wait, you dropped this.
While he hands it to Ivan, he realizes its contents.
COSSACK 1
Not so fast!
(to Cossack 2)
Get the Tzar.
COSSACK 2
But he's sleeping.
COSSACK 1
(to Ivan)
So Boris, you are a refusenik, no?
Ivan kicks him in the shins and pushes over Cossack 2. He runs like hell. They chase after him.
DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY
CRIES for help.
Dancers overhear Natasha and Boris. They remove the sword from the door hardware.
Natasha and Boris SCRAMBLE out.
NATASHA
Where is he? Where is that brat?
BORIS
I'll destroy him!
CUT TO:
IVAN
in costume, DASHES to the wings.
CUT TO:
Natasha and Boris RACE to the wings.
IN THE WINGS
Natasha and Boris STOP SHORT, out of breath.
BORIS
You take stage right, I'll take left.
They ZOOM off separately.
Drosselmeyer STOPS Natasha.
DROSSELMEYER
Natasha, you're not supposed to be here yet, someone will see you. What are you doing?
NATASHA
Downstairs! I was locked in... in, in the dressing room with Boris--
DROSSELMEYER
--Boris, again!
NATASHA
No, no, listen to me. This kid stole Boris's head mask--
DROSSELMEYER
--You're losing your head, Natasha. Now calm down! You're supposed to keep your mind on the ballet, remember?
NATASHA
But, but Papa--
DROSSELMEYER
--After the Mouse King kills Catherina, you go on stage. Now behave!
Drosselmeyer dashes back on stage.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Catherina "AWAKES" with a START to see Drosselmeyer ON TOP of the clock, FLAPPING his cloak like wings. He turns the hands to MIDNIGHT and MOTIONS to
SCURRYING, adult-size "MICE." Catherina jumps off the couch. The "mice" exit.
Catherina "SHIVERS" in her nightgown. She cradles the Toy Nutcracker, then is "STARTLED" when the
CHRISTMAS TREE
"grows." She places the Toy Nutcracker in its
MINIATURE BED.
"THE MAGIC SPELL" OUT
BEGIN "THE BATTLE"
Catherina reviews the troops. "Soldiers" muster in b.g. The tree "GROWS" to 50 feet.
The Toy Nutcracker (on his miniature bed) WHISKS off stage.
IN THE WINGS
A STAGE HAND waves Ivan along.
STAGEHAND
(to Ivan)
C'mon, c'mon! You'll miss your cue.
Ivan, still wearing the Nutcracker costume, DIVES on to a full-size version of the MINIATURE BED.
Boris LUNGES at him, but misses. He falls on Drosselmeyer, knocking him over.
Then Ivan, lying on the bed, WHISKS...
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
... on-stage.
Ivan plays the NUTCRACKER.
He SPRINGS to attention. LEADS "Hussar" soldiers into battle against the giant "mice," and
SWORD FIGHTS the tipsy Mouse King.
IN THE WINGS
AMAZED REACTIONS from Drosselmeyer, Natasha and Boris.
BORIS
That little twerp. He's stealing my part.
NATASHA
That rotten kid. He's ruining my plans.
DROSSELMEYER
That horrible bully. He might hurt my mousikin.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Mouse King KNOCKS down Ivan and RAISES his sword, but Catherina THROWS a slipper. It HITS the King's back.
Mouse King SPINS around, CHARGES toward Catherina, and LIFTS his sword. She "FAINTS."
Ivan IMPALES (for real) Mouse King with the TZAR'S SWORD.
The Mouse King FALLS.
Ivan CUTS OFF his crown and DISPLAYS it triumphantly.
Surviving "mice" "COWER." They DRAG Mouse King off stage.
"THE BATTLE" OUT
IN THE WINGS
DROSSELMEYER
(to Boris and Natasha)
I must check on my mousikins.
Drosselmeyer exits.
BOILER ROOM
The wounded Mouse King STAGGERS in. He still wears the seven-headed costume.
MOUSE QUEEN
Was the dastardly deed done, dearie?
He throws his arms around her.
MOUSE QUEEN
My, aren't we the romantic rodent!
She sees blood on one of the "heads".
MOUSE QUEEN
Hold on a bit. You've got blood on one of your heads.
She wipes it off while holding him up.
He FALLS. She removes the mask--he's unconscious, but still breathing. His toes twitch.
She SCREAMS.
Drosselmeyer enters.
MOUSE QUEEN
(to Drosselmeyer)
The King is dead!
ON STAGE--BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Ivan goes to "fainted" Catherina's bedside. He NOTICES the audience. TERRIFIED, he RUNS off stage.
IN THE WINGS
Ivan stops short. He's startled to see Natasha and Boris.
They LUNGE at him, but MISS. He BOLTS back on stage.
ON STAGE
PINE FOREST SET
BEGIN "JOURNEY THROUGH SNOW"
Ivan rejoins "fainted" Catherina.
IN THE WINGS
Balletmaster Petipa approaches the wing where Boris and Natasha stand.
BORIS
(to himself)
Oh boy! Here comes Petipa. I'm going to be shish kebob.
A sweaty dancer playing a TOY SOLDIER also watches the ballet. He removes his jacket and hat.
NATASHA
(to toy soldier)
Give me your costume, quick!
Toy soldier resists, but Natasha suggestively WINKS at him. He very slowly hands over the costume when...
Natasha impatiently yanks it away. He walks away shaking his head.
NATASHA
(to Boris)
Quick, put this on.
Natasha helps Boris don the outfit.
NATASHA
Just keep your head down.
He lowers his head.
She DARTS away.
Petipa stops next to Boris to watch the ballet, not realizing it's Boris.
Petipa puts his arm around Boris whose head is tucked down. Petipa watches the Nutcracker (Ivan) on-stage.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Ah, Boris Shlamealsky's performance of the Nutcracker is magnifique, non?
Boris gives a MUFFLED approval, nodding his head.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
All those years of training and hard work as my protege have been worth it. And someday, you too, my boy, will shine in the limelight.
Petipa pats Boris on the back.
Nutcracker (Ivan) finishes his number when...
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Look at that. Nothing this boy could do would surprise me.
... he FLINGS OFF the Nutcracker costume and sword, and reveals himself, now the handsome prince who returns in ACT II. (As in the original choreography).
IN THE WINGS
The flying costume knocks off Boris's hat.
BORIS
Glorioski!
ORCHESTRA PIT
The Tzar's sword flies past Ivan's dad. It slices his violin string (TWANG) and impales the wooden floor. Dad looks up at the stage. He's shocked to see Ivan.
IN THE WINGS
Petipa does a double take at Boris and Ivan.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
(sputtering to Boris)
You, you, you, you... baboon!
He THROTTLES Boris.
BORIS
But, but, but--
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
--You have humiliated me! I gave you my trust, my art, my genius and here I see you not on stage, but--but-- kibitzing!
BORIS
I, I, I--
Petipa DRAGS Boris off by his EAR.
ORCHESTRA PIT
Natasha stealthily snatches the Tzar's sword.
EXT. MARYINSKY THEATRE - STAGE DOOR
Petipa THROWS Boris outside.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
You are a disgrace to the profession. Be gone!
Petipa pushes him down an ice-encrusted stairway and into a SNOW BANK, face down.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Amateur!
Brief pause, then
NATASHA (O.S.)
Good night, sweet prince.
Boris rolls over, a coat LANDS on his face.
He removes the coat to see Natasha WAVING the Tzar's sword.
His snow-encrusted face makes him look older beyond his years.
NATASHA
Too-da-loo!
Cossack horsemen surround Boris.
COSSACK CAPTAIN
Seize him.
(to Boris)
Where's the Tzar's sword?
Natasha quickly hides the sword behind her and scrambles inside, leaving the door slightly AJAR.
A stray CAT wanders in.
INT. MARYINSKY THEATRE
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Ivan KISSES "fainted" Catherina's hand. She "awakes," SHOCKED to see Ivan. He places the Mouse King's crown on her head.
IVAN
(stage whisper)
Shhh. I'll explain later.
"JOURNEY THROUGH SNOW" OUT
BOILER ROOM
Mouse Queen's LIVID at Drosselmeyer. She CORNERS him.
MOUSE QUEEN
You killed my sweetie!
DROSSELMEYER
No, it was that cursed boy!
She LIFTS the snow globe to KILL him with it.
DROSSELMEYER
Wait! You need my help.
MOUSE QUEEN
In a pig's eye!
DROSSELMEYER
Smash that and you'll destroy my magical powers.
MOUSE QUEEN
Yeah?
She LOWERS the snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
Well, ducky, I'm the mouse with the magic now.
He tries to grab it, she pulls it away.
DROSSELMEYER
Give that back, you rabid rodent.
ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
KINGDOM OF SNOW
BEGIN "WALTZ OF THE SNOWFLAKES"
A winter wonderland of fir trees with snow garlands.
Ivan and Catherina walk hand-in-hand to stage rear, their backs to the audience.
Snowflake "FAIRIES" dance in white tutus and snowball coronets.
It gently "snows" paper snow.
Above-stage, two stagehands use ropes to rock the "snow cradle." Paper snow falls from the net-like cradle.
CATHERINA
(stage whispers)
What's going on? And where's Boris? He's supposed to play the Nutcracker, not you! And who are you anyway? Get your hands off me.
IVAN
Catherina, it's too complicated to explain. Just trust me.
CATHERINA
Trust you? First, you knock me over. Then you ruin the ballet.
IVAN
You called me your galant.
CATHERINA
Well, now I think you're a nut. I'm glad we're going off-stage.
She heads toward the wings. Ivan pulls her away.
IVAN
No! You can't leave.
CATHERINA
What is your problem?
IVAN
Look, they're trying to kill you.
CATHERINA
Who?
IVAN
Natasha, Drosselmeyer and the Mouse King.
CATHERINA
Are you out of your mind?
IVAN
We have to stay here. Listen to me! Your life is in danger! I'm trying to save you!
BOILER ROOM
Mouse Queen and Drosselmeyer continue their "TUG-OF-WAR" over snow globe. They VIOLENTLY SHAKE the "snow" inside.
DISSOLVE TO:
BACK ON STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
REAL SNOW falls from above. Ballerinas shiver as they dance the truly wintery waltz.
ABOVE-STAGE CATWALKS
Stagehands casually rotate the "snow cradle" as if nothing unusual is happening.
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
CATHERINA
(stage whisper)
You lunatic!
Ballerinas swirl/interweave in a supernatural real-life blizzard--a Siberian BUSBY BERKELEY spectacle. Their teeth CHATTER.
Ivan and Catherina huddle in the cold.
CATHERINA
Here we are in the middle of the ballet, in my first big role, and I'm... I'm...
MUSIC QUICKENS
Dancers go FASTER, AND FASTER to the music. Ivan and Catherina SHIVER in b.g.
CATHERINA
...freezing!
MATCH CUT:
BOILER ROOM
The on-stage scene is distorted inside the SNOW GLOBE.
"SNOW" swirls inside the snow globe as the FIGHT ESCALATES between Mouse Queen and Drosselmeyer.
ABOVE-STAGE CATWALKS
Anton climbs to the "snow cradle." He looks down at the stage, concerned.
ANTON
(to stagehands)
What are you guys doing?
STAGEHAND
Nothing!
ANTON
The dancers are freezing their butts off.
STAGEHAND
Look.
Stagehand scoops up paper confetti. He hands it to Anton.
ANTON
I don't get it. The paper is turning to snow.
BACK ON-STAGE AND IN ORCHESTRA PIT
WET SNOWFLAKES blow into the pit and MELT the printed notes on Tchaikovsky's SHEET MUSIC.
Tchaikovsky picks up the tempo. Musicians play faster and faster.
BOILER ROOM
Drosselmeyer and Mouse Queen TUG-OF-WAR over the snow globe. The ceiling bows and leaks from the on-stage snow.
Natasha enters, sword in hand.
DROSSELMEYER
Natasha, help me with this meshugenuh mouse.
MOUSE QUEEN
Listen darlin', your dad's an old geezer. He's mucked up your dreams of dancin' in the ballet. He's over the hill. Stick with me, girlie, and I can make your dreams come true.
Natasha looks from one to the other.
NATASHA
Tough luck, pop!
She YANKS on Mouse Queen's tail, pulling the snow globe away from Drosselmeyer. He FALLS. Mouse Queens grabs the sword from Natasha and holds Drosselmeyer at sword point.
MOUSE QUEEN
Natasha...
Mouse Queen looks up to the stage-rear TRAPS. They leak and creak.
MOUSE QUEEN
We're expecting company.
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Tchaikovsky brings the fast-paced music to a FINALE. He scribles notes with his left hand, conducts with the right.
"WALTZ OF THE SNOW FLAKES" OUT
AUDITORIUM
CURTAIN FALLS to THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
House lights illuminate the auditorium.
Tchaikovsky crosses out some old music and writes down some new notes.
TCHAIKOVSKY
That wasn't half bad.
SUPER: "INTERMISSION"
The Tzarina POKES the sleeping Tzar with her FAN. He awakes with a START, instinctively reaches for his sword. It's GONE.
He JUMPS UP and SUMMONS his Cossacks. After an animated discussion, the Tzar EXPLODES.
TZAR ALEXANDER III
Find my sword you fools!
The ASTONISHED audience becomes SILENT and LOOKS up at the box.
ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's Dad quickly exits, looking for Ivan.
ON-STAGE - INTERMISSION
Stagehands sweep/shovel snow into the fly gallery, stage right.
Ivan and Catherina shiver behind the closed house curtain.
CATHERINA
I'm wet. And I'm freezing.
IVAN
Catherina, I can explain--
Anton calls from the catwalk.
ANTON
--Catherina!
Ivan reaches for her arm. She pulls away.
CATHERINA
--No, don't touch me!
Anton witnesses the argument and climbs down a ladder mounted to the wall, stage right.
IVAN
Please believe me. Let's get out of here.
Stagehands sweep snow into piles.
INTERCUT IVAN'S DAD HEADING TO STAGE
BACK ON EMPTY STAGE
CATHERINA
I don't plan to go anywhere with you. Over two thousand people are expecting me back on stage, and I've got to change out of these dripping clothes, so if you'll excuse me--
They fall through a trap door.
IVAN AND CATHERINA
Whoa!
TRAP ROOM--MECHANICAL FLOOR
Ivan and Catherina fall to the floor then rise.
Mouse Queen, dressed in a black tutu and black veil, holds them at sword point with the Tzar's sword. They are pressed against the wall.
MOUSE QUEEN
Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
ON-STAGE - INTERMISSION
Anton reaches the stage just after the trap door closes. He looks around but can't find them.
Ivan's Dad simultaneously enters the stage, just missing them.
IVAN'S DAD
Ivan, where are you?
ANTON
Catherina, where'd you go?
Stagehands "fly" Act II props in place, including 12 foot tall CANDY CANES along the wing curtains. Balletmaster Petipa frantically runs on-stage, slipping on the snow.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
(to stagehands)
My stars! I've lost my stars. My Clara and Nutcracker have disappeared. Poof! Maybe they've vanished under this snow.
He's unsteady on the slippery snow.
FATHER
You! It's all your fault that my son was on this--
Father grabs on to Petipa for balance.
FATHER
--cockamamie stage.
Father slips on the snow.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Your son? Why he's a genius. He's got to go back on stage for the second act.
ANTON
(to Petipa)
And what about Catherina? She was freezing like an icicle. Little you care.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Now, now Anton. I understand your concern. Of course I'm worried about her, too.
Petipa puts his arms around Anton.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
Because I need her--
Petipa shakes Anton.
BALLETMASTER PETIPA
--for the second act!
Anton takes father aside.
ANTON
(to Father)
Listen comrade. Your son shouldn't be wasting his talents on stage. He's got the guts for politics. Trust me brother.
FATHER
Politics! Ballet! Rubbish! He's a musician!
Father exits and slips on his ass.
We hear a harsh BANGING.
BOILER ROOM
Redecorated to resemble an Old Bailey court room. Mouse Queen wears a white powered wig, and crimson and ermine judicial robe.
Mouse Queen POUNDS the the sword as if it were a gavel.
MOUSE QUEEN
Silence!
A HUSH falls of the minions of small mice.
MOUSE QUEEN
Allow me to introduce myself, dearies. I am the Mouse Queen. Widow of Mouse King--
IVAN
(whispering to Catherina)
--You thought I was crazy!--
MOUSE QUEEN
--that sterling man of a mouse who you--
Mouse Queen POKES Ivan with the sword.
MOUSE QUEEN
--murdered!
IVAN
I had to! He was going to kill Catherina.
MOUSE QUEEN
Yes, we had it all planned it to a "T" Me, Drosselmeyer and Natasha here.
CATHERINA
Natasha... did you really want to--I mean, actually, want to kill--
NATASHA
--Yes! Yes I did. You stole my part! I deserved it. Why, my daddy said--
DROSSELMEYER (O.S.)
--Cuckoo.
A MINIATURE Drosselmeyer
POPS OUT of a CUCKOO CLOCK.
DROSSELMEYER
Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
MOUSE QUEEN
Don't he look dainty, your daddy?
Natasha and Mouse Queen GIGGLE. Ivan and Catherina are HORRIFIED. They RUN, but Mouse Queen STOPS them.
MOUSE QUEEN
Uh, uh, uh... thought you'd scurry away, eh? Restrain the prisoners. Check the equipment.
A black-masked, black uniformed EXECUTIONER wheels in two giant mousetraps. The exeuctioner has furry feet like a large mouse; he seems to be bleeding.
He pulls back the metal and locks the spring mechanism, then throws the wooden Nutcracker costume on the trap. The metal SWISHES through the air, decapitating the costume.
The EXECUTIONER resets the trap, fastens Ivan and Catherina to their respective guillotines; their heads in harm's way, their feet on the spring (where cheese would ordinarily go).
Mouse Queen WHISTLES. A swarm of mice enter as she exits. They are seated, twelve of them in a Jurors' Box.
"Judge" Mouse Queen officiates from the elaborate "bench."
The Court CLERK, a squeaky-voiced mouse, officiates.
CLERK
Oy vey! Oy vey! Queen's Bench now in session.
MOUSE QUEEN
Ivan, you are charged with one count of murder in that on this night you, with malice aforethought, did kill the Mouse--
She SOBS, using her wig as a hanky and blows her nose into it.
MOUSE QUEEN
That you did kill the Mouse King. How do you plead?
IVAN
It was self defense.
MOUSE QUEEN
Such insolence! If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.
She looks to Catherina.
MOUSE QUEEN
Catherina, you are charged with assault and pepper in that you threw your slipper and struck the Mouse King in the back.
CATHERINA
Not guilty.
MOUSE QUEEN
Rats! The execution will have to wait until after the trial. Is the prosecution ready?
NATASHA
Yes, your mouseyness. Ivan claims self defense, but at the time of his death, Mouse King was running in the opposite direction. He was stabbed in the back, like so.
Natasha pantomimes Mouse King's death.
IVAN
No!
MOUSE QUEEN
The prisoner is to be gagged.
Executioner gags Ivan.
MOUSE QUEEN
Does the prisoner have anything to say in his defense?
Muffled MOANS.
MOUSE QUEEN
I thought so. Now, on to the girl.
NATASHA
Your mouseyness, the slipper attack was unprovoked. At no point prior to the slipper being thrown did Mouse King threaten or attack Catherina.
Natasha pantomimes the "slipper attack."
NATASHA
It was Mouse King, and not Ivan, who acted in self-defense. Futhermore, the slipper in question is a toe-slipper, the kind with a steel toe, like so.
Natasha shatters a mirror with the ballet slipper. The jurors cower.
MOUSE QUEEN
Are you saying she used a deadly weapon?
NATASHA
Yes, your mouseyness.
The lights flash.
MOUSE QUEEN
Intermission is almost over. I will need to take this matter under advisement. Court adjourned.
CLERK
All rise.
The mice jury files out--
CLERK
--OK, everybody pile back in. Court is in session, all rise.
The mice jurors scurry back to their seats.
MOUSE QUEEN
After giving lengthy consideration to this matter which you
She gestures to Natasha.
MOUSE QUEEN
described so eloquently for our benefit--
The mice APPLAUD.
MOUSE QUEEN
I instruct the jury to find the defendants guilty as charged.
Song #4 "QUEEN'S COURT"
MOUSE QUEEN
(singing)
YO, LISTEN TO ME JURY
'COZ I'M IN A FURY
OVER THIS HERE CRIME
WHICH AIN'T NO NURSERY RHYME
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BALLET
WASN'T NO HEARSAY
BUT PREMEDITATED, COLLABORATED
CAPITAL OFFENSE
The executioner, now disc jockey, "scratches" a cylindrical, Edison-type "record" on an ancient phonograph with a large conical loud speaker. SWISH, SWISH.
MOUSE QUEEN
(singing)
NOW I'LL ADMIT
THAT YOU GOTTA ACQUIT
IF THE ALIBI SOUNDS LIKE A LULLABY
'CEPT THE DUDE'S SELF DEFENSE
IS JUST CONNIVANCE
AND WAY TOO SANCTIMONIOUS
FOR BEING SO FELONIOUS
She's groov'n to the music.
MOUSE QUEEN
Dig-it!
(singing)
CHECK OUT HIS PLEAD
FOR HIS BAD-ASS DEED
DON'T FALL FOR SMOOTH JARGON
HE WANTS A PLEA BARGAIN
'COZ IF HIS STORY DID JIVE
MOUSE KING'D BE ALIVE
AND MY COOL JUDICIAL WRIT
WOULD STAMP IT ALL LEGIT
AND HIS SORRY BUTT WOULD BE BACK IN THE ORCHESTRA PIT!
(speaking)
Sentence to be carried out at midnight tonight.
AUDITORIUM
Lights flicker, patrons return to their seats.
BACK TO "COURT ROOM"
Mouse Queen SQUEAKS as she holds the saber high over Ivan, then thrusts it down to impale the wooden trap; the sword vibrates back and forth.
The Cat (from the stage door)SLIPS into the room.
IVAN
You're insane, both of you. Somebody will find out and you'll be punished!
MOUSE QUEEN
Well, until then I shall have my revenge. Enough of this fiddle-faddle.
NATASHA
From now on, I'll get the--ah-choo--plum parts. I'll be the prima--ah-choo--ballerina. Ah-choo, ah-choo.
MOUSE QUEEN
What's the matter with you, girlie? You allergic to mice? Ha, ha, ha.
NATASHA
No, cats!
The cat JUMPS on a table.
MOUSE QUEEN
Cats!!!
All the mice scurry.
INTERCUT THE ESCAPE
Ivan gingerly wiggles out of his restraints. The trap CREEKS, but doesn't deploy.
The terrified Mouse Queen RUNS to a tiny MOUSE HOLE.
Ivan uses his own leather shackles to fasten Catherina's trap in the open or "safe" position. The leather strains under pressure as Catherina is freed.
Mouse Queen PUSHES her face up against the mouse hole, her royal RUMP high in the air. The cat CLAWS at her tail.
MOUSE QUEEN
Blimey, it's too small!
Natasha SNEEZES and SNEEZES.
Ivan GRABS Catherina's hand. They RUN up a flight of stairs, but are TRAPPED by a locked door at the top. Ivan TUGS at the door. Catherina sees an
AIR VENT; it leads across the top of the "Court Room."
CATHERINA
Look! We can escape through here!
IVAN
But look. It goes over the Mouse Queen.
CATHERINA
We have no choice. It's the only way.
Catherina PULLS open the grate. Ivan CLIMBS up and helps her in.
AUDITORIUM
SCREEN BLACK
The house curtain rises for ACT II.
BEGIN "THE MAGIC CASTLE"
ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
The audience OOOHS and AHHHS at the EXTRAVAGANT and BRILLIANT Viennese-style confectionery architecture, 12-FOOT CANDY CANES, etc.
The SUGAR PLUM FAIRY directs her CHERUBS who glide in circles.
"MAGIC CASTLE" OUT
BEGIN "DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"
Sugar Plum dances to the famous "celesta" (tuned steel bars) music.
IN THE AIR VENT
Ivan and Catherina crawl over the "Court Room." Through a tiny grate, Ivan sees Natasha TUG at Mouse Queen's RUMP. Her nose POPS out of the mouse hole.
Ivan and Catherina are motionless. Mouse Queen and Natasha are directly below them.
MOUSE QUEEN
Where are they?
NATASHA
I don't know. I was busy tugging on you.
MOUSE QUEEN
Blasted cat!
NATASHA
I should have been more careful.
MOUSE QUEEN
What?
NATASHA
When I went out, I must have left the door opened and let the cat in--oops.
MOUSE QUEEN
Fool!
Mouse Queen picks up the snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
It's all your fault! You were behind everything. The King would still be alive if you--
Mouse Queen trembles with anger. She sees Natasha's image in the Snow Globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
If--
She shakes the snow globe. Natasha transforms into a miniature, but hideous Nutcracker puppet.
Catherina GASPS. Ivan holds his hand over her mouth. Natasha tries desperately to remove the mask, but it's now part of her. As she runs away screaming...
POOF, she is in the cuckoo clock next to the miniature Drosselmeyer.
NATASHA
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Mouse Queen peers into snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
(to herself)
Now for that boy and the girl.
INSIDE THE SNOW GLOBE
Mouse Queen sees the kids' images crouching in the air vent. Ivan's HAND reaches closer and closer.
BACK TO SCENE
Mouse Queen shakes the globe, the hand grows enormous inside the snow globe. The hand
GRABS the snow globe from Mouse Queen.
She spins around to see Ivan's hand pull the snow globe into the air vent. The grate is quickly replaced.
Mouse Queen bangs on the grate, then runs underneath the vent looking for an entrance.
She can't squeeze into the entrance used by Ivan and Catherina.
INSIDE THE AIRVENT
Ivan and Catherina quickly CRAWL to escape. They see Mouse Queen through tiny grates. She tracks their progress, sword-in-hand.
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
Sugar Plum finishes her dance.
"DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" OUT
BEGIN "CLARA AND THE PRINCE"
Sugar Plum ASSEMBLES her retinue. Each group does a warm-up DANCE.
IN THE AIR VENT
Mouse Queen's paw smashes through a grate. She claws at Catherina's foot, but can't maintain her grip. Catherina loses a ballet slipper to Mouse Queen.
Ivan spots a large metal grate just ahead.
It overlooks the top of a a giant CANDY CANE. Catherina hears the music in b.g.
CATHERINA
This is our entrance.
Ivan bangs out the grate.
IN THE WINGS
They
SLIDE
down
the candy cane, into a BOAT. It
LURCHES on stage...
BACK ON-STAGE - BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
ON CUE, they rejoin the ballet. The boat GLIDES to center stage.
Sugar Plum waves her wand over Ivan.
Ivan PANTOMIMES his "battle" with Mouse King per original score.
Mouse Queen PEERS out from a stage floor TRAP DOOR (stage rear).
MOUSE QUEEN
Little show off! The cheeky monkey.
Sugar Plum WAVES her wand. A
"THRONE"
glides stage-rear, directly above the TRAP DOOR. The "throne" is a miniature room.
Ivan and Catherina SIT on the throne. Sugar Plum DRAWS a VEIL. They are BARELY VISIBLE to the ballet audience.
The cast exits except "SPANISH" dancers.
BEGIN "HOT CHOCOLATE: SPANISH DANCE"
Ivan and Catherine watch the ballet, a SPARKLING Spanish bolero.
Mouse Queen (in Spanish dancer costume), OPENS the trap door and CLAWS up at the kids.
Ivan and Catherine's FEET move IN SYNC with the bolero--just beyond the GRASPING Mouse Queen.
"SPANISH DANCE" OUT
BEGIN "ARABIAN DANCE" (COFFEE)
ARABESQUE dancer does her slow, sinuous number in an "I DREAM OF GENIE" outfit.
She smokes from a "HOOKAH" pipe.
MECHANICAL FLOOR
Arabesque-dressed Mouse Queen awkwardly DANCES.
INTERCUT AS NEEDED
Mouse Queen INHALES from a large hookah pipe. She
BLOWS SMOKE toward the kids.
MOUSE QUEEN (O.S.)
Nightie night.
SMOKE WAFTS
into the "throne" room. The kids YAWN.
The smoke INTOXICATES Mouse Queen too. She TRIPS over her own ballet slippers.
Mouse Queen BLOWS more smoke. Catherina's head
FALLS
on Ivan's shoulder. She sleeps.
"COFFEE--ARABIAN DANCE" OUT
He DOZES but
BEGIN "TEA: CHINESE DANCE"
AWAKES
with a START to the glockenspiel music. He WAVES away the smoke IN SYNC with the staccato TUG-OF-WAR theme.
INTERCUT "Chinese" dancers.
Ivan PULLS open the veil slightly, deeply INHALES fresh air, then gives Catherina MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation.
"CHINESE DANCE" OUT
BEGIN "TREPAK: CANDY CANE"
Catherina AWAKES with a START to the spirited Russian Trepak. She
SLAPS
Ivan's face.
Trepak dancers LEAP through candy cane hula hoops.
A sword
RIPS
through the throne room's back curtain.
Mouse Queen JABS at the kids with the Tzar's SWORD.
IN THE WINGS
Cossacks notice the sword's GLINT.
ON STAGE
Ivan and Catherina
JUMP
side-to-side as the sword THRUSTS IN-SYNC with the music.
Cossacks gain on Mouse Queen. She bids a hasty retreat.
"CANDY CANE" OUT
BEGIN "MOTHER GINGER & THE CLOWNS"
Mother Ginger BUSTLES on-stage.
Her enormous dress COVERS little girl "Polichinelles."
"Mother" HIDES her face with a "Chinese fan."
The Polichinelles exit, dance, and return to inside the dress.
Catherina SNEAKS out of the throne room, DIVES under Mother's dress. Ivan follows, but is SMACKED BACK when a large
MOUSE-TAIL WHIPS OUT
from behind "Mother's" dress.
"Mother" is actually Mouse Queen. Ivan ducks through the curtain that Mouse Queen tore with the Tzar's sword, stage rear.
"Mother" BUSTLES off stage.
"MOTHER GINGER & THE CLOWNS" OUT
BEGIN "WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS"
IN THE WINGS, STAGE LEFT FLY GALLERY
"Mother" pulls a drawstring. The dress OPENS. Polichinelles run out.
BEGIN "WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS" in b.g.
Catherina exits, but Mouse Queen GRABS her,
and LIFTS
her off the ground.
Mouse Queen sheds her large dress, and CLIMBS stage ropes, Catherina tucked under her arm. In b.g., the Executioner lumbers up a wall-mounted ladder.
ON-STAGE: BALLET-IN-PROGRESS
The ballet audience watches the famous "Waltz of the Flowers," totally unaware of the unfolding drama in one of two "fly galleries."
NOTE: Located stage right and left of the proscenium opening, each gallery is 35 feet wide, 50 feet deep, and 85 feet high, all hidden from public view.
FLY GALLERY
Ivan CLIMBS another rope.
Mouse Queen WHIPS her tail in his face, SMACKING him like a right jab. He's stunned, nearly falls.
The rope SWAYS. Ivan dangles precariously, frozen with fear. He looks down at the big production number.
Ivan FANTASY: The dancers transform into the skaters Ivan saw while dangling from the Neva River Bridge. The rope rises as in the bridge scene.
IVAN
Dad?
Ivan doesn't realize that just above him the Queen has looped her tail around the rope. Her tail lifts the rope, swinging it (and Ivan) around.
END FANTASY: Ivan "comes to," seeing his predicament. He SHIMMIES up and GRABS onto the TIP of her tail. He tries climbing the RASPISH tail, but she FLINGS him skyward.
IVAN
Whoa!
He lands on a batten, GRABS another rope, CLIMBS up.
Mouse Queen maintains her lead, she's still above him. In b.g., the Executioner continues his climb.
Ivan lifts himself onto a side-wall-mounted fly gallery/catwalk. He looks over the ropes attached to the "pin rail" (hickory belaying pins). He selects a lower pin with "trimmed rope." An angry "fly man" approches.
FLYMAN 1
Stop!
Ivan holds onto the rope. The flyman lunges at him, but Ivan kicks the pin out of the rail, and flies upward on the rope as counterweight sandbag descends.
Now he's 40 feet above the floor, just 20 feet below the escaping Mouse Queen, Catherina still tucked in her arm. Mouse Queen swings toward stage rear.
ON-STAGE, The Waltz of the Flowers nears its finale.
Ivan swings on the ropes to the "Waltz of the Flowers" music.
Mouse Queen hoists herself onto the CATWALK/LIGHTING BRIDGE (70 feet above stage floor).
Ivan reaches a higher side-mounted-catwalk, about 30 feet away. Mouse Queen DANGLES Catherina over the edge.
Ivan GRABS a rope. He SWINGS "Tarzan-style" toward Catherina.
Just as Mouse Queen releases her grip on Catherina, Catherina grabs the snow globe. She
FREE FALLS as Rope-swinging Ivan SNATCHES her mid-air, and SWINGS on-stage into...
ON STAGE
BEGIN "FINALE"
... the waiting SLEIGH.
Sugar Plum bids them adieu. The sleigh
GLIDES UPWARD, stage right. Catherina holds the snow globe. The sleigh assends behind the grand valance and into the stage right fly gallery, beyond the ballet audience's view.
END "FINALE"
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
IN THE SLEIGH (hidden from the ballet audience)
The sleigh STOPS just below a 60 foot high catwalk.
Ivan suddenly kisses Catherina. They are unaware of Mouse Queen who looms above them on a catwalk.
Catherina likes the kiss. Preoccupied, she holds the snow globe behind her.
Mouse Queen notices the snow globe.
MOUSE QUEEN
Now, I've got you!
The kids look up.
MOUSE QUEEN
There's no escaping me now.
She jumps down into the sleigh. Her weight creeks the floorboards, the support ropes slowly untwine.
Ivan places himself in front of Catherina. Mouse Queen closes in.
IVAN
(whispering to Catherina)
She wants the globe.
Catherina shakes her head, then bravely confronts Mouse Queen.
CATHERINA
(to Mouse Queen)
Let's see how brave you are now...
She holds the snow globe outside of the sleigh, 60 feet above the stage.
MOUSE QUEEN
No!
Mouse Queen lunges at the snow globe as Catherina lets it fall. Mouse Queen dives after it, falling out of the sleigh.
EXECUTIONER (O.S.)
No!
The Executioner appears on the catwalk. He removes his black leather hood to reveal a bloody Mouse King!
MOUSE KING
I show up like a bad penny, don't I?
SNOW GLOBE and Mouse Queen fall in SLOW MOTION.
Mouse King jumps into the sleigh, but doesn't quite make it. His massive paws grip the sleigh's edge as he lifts himself up. The support ropes untwine even faster.
CUT TO:
SNOW GLOBE and Mouse Queen continue their SLOW MOTION fall.
INSIDE THE SNOW GLOBE
FLASHBACK to the tiny pair of mice we first saw at rehearsal dancing on the railing of the Tzar's box.
CUT TO:
The snow globe SMASHES into the snowy fly gallery floor. The globe breaks, water leaks out.
MOUSE QUEEN shrinks back to mouse-size in mid-fall. The snow breaks her fall, she's disoriented but OK.
CUT TO:
MOUSE KING (in sleigh) shrinks to mouse size. He scurries along the edge of the sleigh. Ivan moves toward him. Afraid, tiny Mouse King jumps out.
He falls, landing on the snow, next to Mouse Queen. He'll live.
A support rope snaps, the sleigh lists starboard. Ivan and Catherina scramble toward the catwalk just as another rope breaks. As they hoist themselves up, yet another rope snaps. The sleigh dangles by one rope.
ON-STAGE
The corps de ballet takes its bows to thunderous applause. The audience throws flowers.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's father frowns.
ABOVE THE VALANCE - ON A CATWALK
Ivan holds Catherina by her waist, grabs on to a rope and they slowly descend to stage center as counter weight sand bags rise in the fly gallery.
ON-STAGE
More CHEERS. Ivan searches his pockets and hands Catherine the same rose seen earlier.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's father smiles (for the first time ever).
ON-STAGE
A petal falls to the footlights.
Behind the footlight boxes, tiny Mouse King hands Mouse Queen a rose petal.
Ivan and Catherina look down at the cute mice and smile. The mice take their bows.
Ivan gives her a kiss.
AUDITORIUM - ORCHESTRA PIT
Ivan's father gives Ivan a standing ovation, the rest of the orchestra remains seated.
ON-STAGE
Ivan smiles back at his dad.
The audience CHEERS even louder.
FADE OUT:
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