#6 Tarantulas

Lo, this is the tarantula's den!... Vengeance will we use, and insult, against all who are not like us--thus do the tarantula-hearts pledge themselves.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra

She and He
Distinguishing the sexes requires an arachnologist with magnifier, although mature adults exhibit sexual “dimorphism” (morphological differences). Females are often bulkier, especially their abdomens. Each autumn, males disperse, making booty calls on burrow-dwelling females. Romeo vibrates his body and taps his legs. If she’s receptive, he gains entrée; if not, he becomes the entré.

An eight-eyed myopic, he’s undaunted by her hairy legs, unshaved beauty in the eye(s) of the beholder. After leggy-spaghetti foreplay (there’s 16 legs between them), his tibial spurs (mating “hooks”) grab her fangs lifting her body—pas de deux—exposing the epigastric furrow, on-ramp to the genital highway. As with black widows, lucky post-coital males bid a hasty retreat, hasta la vista, baby! See YouTube for bodacious arachni-porn.

ID and Habitat
Largest of all spiders, this brownish, hairy, gentle giant reaches five inches long by two inches tall. Its burrow is “J” shaped with a quarter-sized round entrance. An ambush predator, it lays in wait listening for vibrations; a bunker-launched blitzkrieg dispatches unwary prey. Serpent-like fold-out fangs envenomate and liquefy animal innards followed by the pièce de résistance, a straw-shaped mouth Hoovers the goo. Some species have thousands of nasty, barbed, slightly venomous “urticating,” abdominal hairs; used defensively, Tarantulas kick (they have eight legs) them into the face of attackers.

Dangers Real and Imagined
Tarantula, tarantula,
Scuttling out of sight,
Whose bed will your darkness
Glide beneath tonight?
-Richard Edwards—Stowaway

Apparently 007’s. James Bond, horrified to discover Dr. No’s tarantula climbing up his “water spout,” kills the spider, then suffers post-trauma barf. When Bond, James Bond freaks out over a fairly harmless spider, well no wonder tarantula is #6 in our countdown. Tarantulas (except arboreal species) stay grounded, unlikely to climb into beds. Only a non-arachnologist (like Dr. No) would attempt using tarantula as murder weapons.

Tarantulas are unlikely to hurt you, but bites are never pleasant and the barbed hairs often cause serious allergic reactions.

Hot Tip
Hissing tarantulas are pissed off, poised to strike. Don’t piss off wildlife and don’t stick your fingers into quarter-sized holes, or any other cracks, crevices or potential burrowing places like your ear.

RX
Use standard first aid; hydrocortisone for superficial allergic reactions, 911 for serious reactions, such as respiratory distress.
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Death Meter: 2 out of 10. They are generally harmless to humans.