#1 Rattlesnakes

The snake stood up for evil in the Garden

- Robert Frost


She and He
Not sexually dimorphic, rattlesnakes are sexed by professional examination or during mating; side-by-side “hemipenes” take turns inseminating females. Compare to humans who lack brain power to control even one penis.
Males wake from hibernation to compete for mating rights; they will gentlemanly wrestle or simply avoid confrontation by scrambling to locate elusive “prey.” Successful males beguile and mount females, then wiggle their hemipenes-laden tales underneath, sometimes staying locked in love for over a day.

Doing the rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake, Make my body ache
Rattlesnake shake, Shake, shake, shake
Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take
- Motley Crue, Rattlesnake Shake

Females are “ovoviparous,” they retain eggs inside their bodies; young are born large, dangerous, mean and biting.

ID and Habitat

Best recognized by their triangular head and keratinized scale tail, rattlesnakes live throughout the Southwest: coast, mountains to 10,000 feet, chaparral and low desert. But not all rattlesnakes make noise; juveniles are born sans rattle, and add only one per molt. Two molts, not necessarily two years as the number of molts per year varies (0-4), are required before juveniles can make a rattling sound.

Forked tongues detect odors, left and right, just like your nose. Pit vipers also have “loreal” pits, see-in-the-dark infrared sensing devices located under the nostrils. Snakes rely on ground vibration to reach their internal ears; their loss of extremities (ears, for example) followed their evolutionary march underground.

Dangers Real and Imagined

Rattlesnake is, in fact, just like chicken, only tougher.
- Alistair Cooke

Actually, much tougher. Primatial ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) is genetic; from monkeys, chimpanzees and gorillas to Indiana Jones, most bi-ped mammals are repulsed by snakes. Sometimes without warning, rattlesnakes strike at lightening-fast speed, reach up to two-thirds their body lengths, and inject deadly hemotoxin (disrupting blood clotting) via their hypodermic needle fangs. Mojave rattlers also inject neurotoxin (disrupting heart rhythm and breathing) and western diamondbacks are especially dangerous because of their large size; bigger snake, more venom.
Several thousand bites are reported annually, but only a dozen or so are fatal. Defensive “people bites” are not venomous 30% of the time and in half the attacks, the snake injects less than a full dose. However, young snakes are especially dangerous as they don’t conserve venom, usually injecting a full dose. Even if not fatal, serious snake bites cause scaring and sometimes loss of limb.

Hot Tip

Monitor your hands and feet; if you can’t see them—in tall grass or behind rocks—it’s not safe. Avoid hiking alone in remote areas and don proper footwear. Running impairs foot monitoring as does stepping over large rocks or logs; a snake might be sunning on the far side. Better walk around, not over, road hazards. Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T; don’t touch, harass, catch or trap rattlesnakes. Ignore this simple advice and you may require a new primary care physician:

Let’s hope you feel better now.
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian

RX

You may have a life-threatening medical emergency, even if initially asymptomatic. Call 911 immediately or get to the ER post haste, presto, schnell, repide, veloce, pronto, allegro, rapido, etc. Stay calm, movement accelerates the flow of venom in the bloodstream, and keep the wound below your heart. Avoid tight tourniquets and don’t cut, bite, suck or ice the wound, or drink liquor. Unlearn what you “know” from old westerns and comedies:

Always carry a flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
- W.C. Fields

The ER will monitor your symptoms and possibly assign a “severity assessment” from the envenomation scale: zero to five, four and five presents massive bruising and swelling, difficulty breathing, dizziness, vomiting, shock, hemorrhaging and drooling. Antivenin treatment is typically applied to “four” and “five” cases.
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Death Meter: 7 out of 10 if you are bit, otherwise, 3 out of 10 as bites are not likely.